Please help me process what on earth went on with me and DP last night

I’ve just looked back in my Amazon music history again and the first song I played before I went full 90s indie was Chappell Roan good luck babe which does have an identical opening to Billie Jean.

I can now kind of see how if he’d grumbled on his way to the toilet about it being Michael Jackson then came back in and thought it changed to something else he might have thought he was right about whatever he was taking issue with.

That’s complete side note to his behaviour but does perhaps explain what he thought he’d heard.

Well cheers to Chappel Roan for bringing it all to a head 🍷

I’ve just looked back in my Amazon music history again and the first song I played before I went full 90s indie was Chappell Roan good luck babe which does have an identical opening to Billie Jean.

I can now kind of see how if he’d grumbled on his way to the toilet about it being Michael Jackson then came back in and thought it changed to something else he might have thought he was right about whatever he was taking issue with.

That’s complete side note to his behaviour but does perhaps explain what he thought he’d heard.

Well cheers to Chappel Roan for bringing it all to a head 🍷

It was my birthday yesterday. DP came over after work and my main present was dinner somewhere nice local to me (this is what I had asked for). I’d arranged to have an empty house at mine for us so we’d have some time to ourselves.

Been together almost 2 years and been arguing a lot over the last few months. My kids caused some trouble between us and we both said some things that hurt the other and are trying to get through it. Argued earlier in the week about that but I genuinely felt that we were working through it.

Anyway, I don’t normally dress up but I put on a nice dress and heels. I know I looked nice as my DD said so. Answered the door to DP and he was really angry with how I was dressed as apparently he had turned up ‘looking like a scruff’ and it made him look back.

So no compliment on the effort I made and a couple of times thought the night made angry comments about it.

Other than that all fine at dinner. We got home and Dp went to sit in the garden and have a beer. It was dark and cold and I didn’t fancy being out there so I sat indoors entertaining myself playing music on the Alexa - not loud - and singing along to it. DP hates me singing along to music but I just thought well he’s outside, not listening and it’s my house and my birthday so I’ll entertain myself.

We then watched a TV show for an hour, all good.

Then just the weirdest thing happened - DP started having a go at me for playing Billie Jean and how he’d had to comment that MJ is a paedophile to make me stop playing it.

I was baffled as I don’t like MJ either, hadn’t played Billie Jean and didn’t know what he was talking about.

When I responded to that he got really angry going ‘I know what I heard, stop gaslighting me!!’ And I was literally like maybe it was coming from one of the kid’s Alexa’s upstairs and he went on and on about how I was telling him he was imagining things.

i said I wasn’t saying that just that I hadn’t played it. I said I’d been playing the charlatans as the last song and pulled out my play history on Amazon music and indeed it was the charlatans and a load of other 90s indie which is exactly my taste as he knows.

i thought that would just solve it all but it escalated and escalated about how he heard Billie Jean and I’d stopped as soon as he made the comment.

I said I hadn’t played Billie Jean but also it’s my house and if I wanted to play it I would.

I then decided I’d had enough and thanked him for ruining my birthday and went to bed. I didn’t know what else to do to de escalate things.

i could then see him on the drive waiting for a cab so I went down again to try and de escalate things. I said I felt the conversation was unnecessary and unkind, that I had no idea where he heard Billie Jean - he said it must have been on the TV I said maybe it was but I have no recollection of it or of the comment he made.

I tried to get him to calm down and come in, I just wanted a nice end to the evening but he wouldn’t back down.

It was the most ridiculous argument of my life and I also believe it has ended our relationship because where do we go from this?

Usually when we argue I initiate apologies and we smooth things over but I have no idea how or why I would apologise for playing a song I didn’t play. I feel like last night he was wanting an apology and it’s usually very easy to get one out of me, but not for something like this where I’ve done nothing.

His car is still outside so presumably he’ll come and get it today but I’ve heard nothing from him and don’t expect to.

This MUST be the end of our relationship right? I can’t live like this.

I do have friends I can talk to but I think I’ve hidden a lot of this stuff from them because I’ve tried to convince myself that this was ok.

My ex H was a miserable, controlling arsehole and I was convinced this guy was different.

But there have been red flags I’ve tried to rationalise away. He doesn’t make me feel seen, heard or valued.

He makes comments that I’m more intelligent and educated than him, more attractive than him but it’s like he resents that and those things are objective opnions largely anyway.

It’s like he feels proud he has me but also wants to put me in my place so I don’t outshine him I don’t know it’s a weird dynamic.

Things have been poor for months now and they never really repair. He’s not been around my kids in many months so they haven’t been affected, but I really have been.

It feels good to say it out loud because no loving partner who respects and cares for someone would pull the behaviour that went on yesterday. Least of all not even be sorry about it.

Thats the main point I think, that he thinks his behaviour has been fine. Of course he won’t change.

He sounds absolutely unhinged 😅 from reading this, I don’t think it needs a postmortem- the reason is because he’s a horrible person.

He was looking for an argument and just kept finding fault until he got what he wanted. Get rid x

I don’t think he’s going to contact me, how do I do this? Do I have to officially break up with him?

I feel like just blocking him but I can’t as he’s got tools and stuff here in my garage that he’d need to get back.

Honestly, the urge to repair things is usually so strong with me but I honestly can’t be fucked. I’m completely and utterly all out of fucks.

The thing I said months ago that mortally wounded him is that some of his behaviour around a particular issue could be seen as controlling.

His ex wife says he was controlling and he hates that. The thing is he isn’t controlling in a traditional sense, but his moods do affect how I feel and behave.

I don’t think he sees or accepts that. But yesterday was controlling IMO.

Yeah he message me and said I’m sorry have I ruined your birthday. I said don’t worry about it.

All I had wanted was to walk the dog in the woods and go to the cafe there, nothing fancy. But the thing is he never made it up - a few weeks later I said I was upset he hadn’t anything for me to celebrate my birthday and he did then take me for a cream tea in the woods.

But he complained about the price and seemed to begrudge it really.

Its like he can’t actually be NICE to me.

He sounds awful and certainly was using gaslighting as well as being very, very nasty. He wanted an argument and he got one.
I’m sure you’ll be telling yourself that this is not really him and normally he’s a prince amongst men but really he is not.
I can’t believe you ran after him to calm things down - this will only make him think he can behave like this again….. and he will.
His behaviour will only get worse - he’s shown you who he is now believe him!

He has teens as well and I get on very well with his daughter. I’ll be really sad to lose her actually. I don’t think he wants us to break up but he wants me in my place I think.

I don’t think he’s going to contact me, how do I do this? Do I have to officially break up with him?

I feel like just blocking him but I can’t as he’s got tools and stuff here in my garage that he’d need to get back.

Honestly, the urge to repair things is usually so strong with me but I honestly can’t be fucked. I’m completely and utterly all out of fucks.

The thing I said months ago that mortally wounded him is that some of his behaviour around a particular issue could be seen as controlling.

His ex wife says he was controlling and he hates that. The thing is he isn’t controlling in a traditional sense, but his moods do affect how I feel and behave.

I don’t think he sees or accepts that. But yesterday was controlling IMO.

I don’t think he’s going to contact me, how do I do this? Do I have to officially break up with him?

I feel like just blocking him but I can’t as he’s got tools and stuff here in my garage that he’d need to get back.

Honestly, the urge to repair things is usually so strong with me but I honestly can’t be fucked. I’m completely and utterly all out of fucks.

The thing I said months ago that mortally wounded him is that some of his behaviour around a particular issue could be seen as controlling.

His ex wife says he was controlling and he hates that. The thing is he isn’t controlling in a traditional sense, but his moods do affect how I feel and behave.

I don’t think he sees or accepts that. But yesterday was controlling IMO.

It’s not really a self help book. It’s an antidote to the pretzels we tangle ourselves into trying to explain why these men behave the way they do, and it’s a real step on the road to being cured of recurring knobheads. I speak from experience!