Can I recover years of cheating with escorts?

Sometimes threads like these crop up on here and you see women tearing their hair out, beating themselves up, trying to reconcile themselves to the behaviour etc etc. I understand there'd often more financial dependence and that adds a real element of reluctance, fear and stress but I really have to wonder men would do even a fraction of the same self flagellation and hair tearing and self doubt ....

The vast vast majority of them would never ever try to work through finding out their partner had been repeatedly unfaithful; with either sex workers (there are male escorts) or non sex workers. They would never consider staying, they'd never consider counselling, they wouldn't question themselves, and they'd probably be quick to brand her a damaged, flawed, degenerate slut/mess etc as well as inherently not good mother material.

I think we should take a leaf from their book tbh.

Oooft, I could have written your post. Said he was addicted, went for counselling, visited whores throughout my pregnancy and never stopped. I left, took our 1 year old with me and I've never been happier and I don't truly think that's something a women can/should get over.

You cannot want your daughter brought up by a man like this. Even if he did do some nice things for you ten years ago or whatever.

Do you think anyone will fail to see the issue when they know the full story?

Why do so many people start threads like this and then never return ?

There is a new one nearly every day

Your DD doesn't have to be "destroyed" by this. No offense but that's extremely dramatic and you saying you would be doing doing the destroying is clearly wrong and speaks of a martyrdom attitude. (I have to stop.hervfrom being destroyed etc).

Your dh has destroyed your marriage & family.

Your DD will adjust and so many children are raised in separated/divorced co-parenting situations. Are you saying they're all destroyed?

Oh they're always "addicted" and need "help".

Leave him, it won't destroy your daughter and of course he will do it again

I think that your daughter will be more affected by you staying than you leaving. She might end up forgiving future partners when she shouldn't because you taught her to do that.

My ex left after infidelity and it was the lies and gaslighting that was far more damaging than the sex itself.

Staying for your DD's sake is a horribly heavy burden to place on your dd. She can have a good relationship with her Dad post divorce if he puts the effort in too.

To be fair there is a lot of piling on the OP now when she obviously is reaching out for support and maybe a bit of kindness?
Unless you have been in an intimate relationship with another person who has been leading a double life, you have no idea the range of turbulent, confused and soul destroying emotions on an hourly basis.
Its very hard to seperate the person (who is expert at playing at/ presents as your wonderful partner) to someone who at the same time is a complete stranger.
The gaslighting and trickling of information and confessions can literally cause you to have a complete breakdown and cease functioning.
I know we are living in difficult times but where has empathy and compassion gone. MN is like a nest of vipers lately. So much for sisterhood.

For some men seeing escorts is a fetish. A sexual preference. He is extremely likely to do it again. I would divorce.
I'm an ex escort.

Oh and my children weren't destroyed by it.

I can't even begin to respond to that.

You seem to think as little of women as your husband does.

You might not be able to parent on your own but the majority of us manage to do it without 'destroying' our children 🙄

He's a creeper. This is so grim. You won't be "destroying " your daughter by leaving him, you will be protecting her. This is a man who thinks it's OK to use other people's daughters for sex. He's only stopped now because he's been found out. He'll go back to it again. And even if he doesn't, how you can you bear to have him anywhere near you?

Personally I would have to leave this man. There would be absolutely no question. I feel I need to set an example to my DC.

God, that is disgusting! Why would you want to get past it?

I can tell you what I would do because I ended my 12 marriage over far, far less in the infidelity stakes than this. So far less than this, in fact, that this is off the scale and I can't actually imagine how I would have reacted to it. But I can tell you I wouldn't be trying to get past it.

Being in a single parent family does not destroy children. And what a rude assumption.

Far more destructive to be raised in a home Where the mother’s boundaries are so poor they excuse years and years of prostitutes aNd lies.

Also he said it is an addiction yet you have no concerns he will do it again. Thats ridiculous. Of course he will.

If uou want to stay because it is easier to do so and turn a blind eye, that is up to you. But own that decision. do not make your daughter the reason you stay. That will be far more damaging to her in the long run.

What will destroy your daughter is being raised by a distracted and preoccupied shell of a mother.

He could have taken those thousands of pounds he was spending on prostitutes and spent it on private therapy to cure his "addiction" and you would have been none the wiser but he didn't did he?

As others have said he would still be doing thing now if he hadn't been exposed, and there's always an excuse - If it's not 'addiction' it's 'depression'. Anything rather than admit the truth with cheaters.

Willingly blind never ends well OP - protect your daughter and protect your peace. End it.

💐

My main source of strength is my daughter who I simply cannot destroy over this

If you want to stay with him - and it's fine if that's your choice - then please don't use your daughter as a reason.

Later down the line she could find out what her dad is like. & "I stayed because of you" may not cut it with her. She'll have questions and her own thoughts as a young woman.

Particularly with a Dad that views women as sex objects. & A Mum who stays.
If you don't want to leave then Counselling for yourself could help you see a way forward in coping within your marriage.

I do wonder if you aren't/will become repulsed by him. All those years of fucking strangers, would you not "see" unwanted images in your head when you're making love with him?

& He's spent a lot of family money on his sex habit too. I don't think he cares for your daughter that much really. & He's a beyond poor role model for her in terms of what to accept and expect in a relationship.

Have you told anyone else?

My DH put his hand up someone's skirt. In front of me. I know he did no more than that.

After three years of trying, I still couldn't forgive him - and he was genuinely sorry.

We ended up divorced.

Leave him - and after you've split the family assets fairly, estimate how much his 'habit' cost your family over the years, and demand he pays half of that into your child's savings account, out of his share.

@lalunedujour what do you want?

From your OP, it sounds like part of you thinks you ought to struggle on, find a way to forgive because he looks so remorseful and has done 'all the right things'. That a divorce will hurt your dd and that somehow it will then be YOUR fult because you havent managed to forgive him.

Bit at the same yime, I thnk yu are quite clear that actually you cant manage to forgive. Neirther what he did, nor the fact he managed to lie and hide it so well from you for YEARS. And the fact eh was happy to sue money for that despite much tighter finances. So putting himself before his family.

I think you know most poetrs on MN will tell you to LTB.

I think you need to find a counsellor for yourself and arrive at a solution that works FOR YOU.
One that will protect you self esteem that has just been destroyed.
One where your boundaries are respected
One where you live a life that is true to yourself - would you be able to look at your dd in 10 or 20 years time and tell her you stayed 'just for her' and accepted the lies, the unfaithfulness? You would be happy to basically say that all that wasnt such a big deal? Do you want to teach her this is not such a big deal?

It's been 6 months. You are still struggling to process it. I think you need support to do so.

He will very likely do it again.

I wouldn’t stay with someone who has such a poor view of women. What would you tell your daughter to do if this was her husband?

I'm just echoing what so many will say, but I am really sorry this happened to you. It must have been a great shock and I feel for the situation you are now in.

To me there are so many layers to this deception and that in itself would cause me to really wonder if the relationship can survive. If he was able to rationalise this addiction for four years including when you were pregnant.... Then it shows that he is able to justify betrayal efficiently. I don't know how many people would be able to do that so completely if I'm honest. I'm sorry but I don't know if there is a way for your relationship to become healthy after that. It may survive but I'm not sure what form it would survive in. I think you really need to think about what your life will be if you stay together.

Xxx

If your daughter was an adult and married, and she came to you with you the same problem. What would your advice be?

Get rid of him!
Just think what advice you would give your daughter when she’s older if her partner treated her like that? Or your friend or sister? It’s despicable behaviour and you will never have trust together again. There will always be underlying paranoia that he’s up to stuff behind your back again. He’s clearly a very experienced liar and doesn’t want a monogamous relationship.
Be alone and enjoy the single life and you’ll maybe meet someone further down the line who isn’t a complete cunt and will cherish you!