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Original poster

Can I recover years of cheating with escorts?

158 replies

lalunedujour · 22/01/2021 14:19

Ladies, I turn to you for impartial advice, by this I mean if possible not to project yourself onto my situation and think - what would I do? Don't, because you will never know what you would do until it happens to you. You think you know your partner and above all you think you know yourself, but then something like this comes up and all is out of the window.

Long (wish) story short - I discovered in July that my husband had been seeing prositutes, escorts, whatever is the correct term for it, for years, as in since I was pregnant at least so about 4 years ago. All in the midst of coronavirus and being in full isolation, with me out of a job and him being the only provider (first time in our lives).

I can't begin to explain the rollercoaster of emotions at the time (still now) but there and then it was intense and a sever shock. He was never 'the type' and in fact I always had a higher sex drive than him and he hardly initiated sex in our relationship, well past the first year at least.

He confessed straight away and went into a full meltdown, confessing a long addiction since his teens as it was how he broke his virginity (the things we learn!!) His excuse or reasoning was that it had been a secret for years and he always thought he could get rid of it, but it was an addiction.

He saw a therapist since then and did everything he could, whatever that means, to regain my trust, to apologise and to express his own disgust.

I have tried my hardest to forgive him but of course I cannot - I am constantly reminded by the thought of it all, the betrayal, the lies, the ability he had to do it for YEARS, while I was pregnant, working hard, trying to get back to my female self after birth etc etc but he was content in his sex life I guess because he was visiting countless places at least once a week.

No need to bang on about the details as to how I found out but lets say Uber rides is a wonderful app to look at..

So here I am, 6 months later, trying to get over this with immense struggle. My main source of strength is my daughter who I simply cannot destroy over this.

I don't have concerns as to him doing it again, but I can't move past what has already been done.

I appreciate your insight.

OP posts:
Graffitiqueen · 23/01/2021 00:01

No I could not get past it. My DH had a crush on someone else possibly an EA and several years later I'm still struggling.

myyearnextyear · 22/01/2021 23:27

No leave and get therapy, you will never get over it if you stay ! I'm still trying to get over it and I'm glad I left as it's still easier away from him . Your daughter will learn to be like you.. either by staying with a man who treats her the same cos that's what she learnt from mums life... or she will be strong independent and never take a mans shit just like mum ....

AnimalLogic · 22/01/2021 23:18

I can't move past what has already been done.

You unfortunately never will... What has been done can't be undone and it will be in your mind forever. Up to you to decide if you're worth more than to just get over it and continue on letting him off for having his fun.... IMO sure people can say sorry and act like they regret it... But that doesn't change it. He got his fun and you're willing to move on and forget it. There's only one winner here.

And who's to say he won't do it again!? He told you?? Sounds like he's been a pillar of faith so far.

toocold54 · 22/01/2021 23:15

by this I mean if possible not to project yourself onto my situation and think - what would I do? Don't,

OP only you know your own limits - what you can forgive, what it takes for you to move on, if you can trust him after this etc

Some people would forgive and forget what your DH did but others wouldn’t forgive a flirty text from a girl.

What I am confused about is why you are so confident that he won’t do it again?
I’m assuming he got caught so he turned on the waterworks and begged for your forgiveness - which is obviously your call but he’s only sorry because he got caught out.

MaryLoopyLoo · 22/01/2021 22:45

Fuck all the above shit.

He is an lying, cheating, cunt.

You and your child deserve better.

poppyzbrite4 · 22/01/2021 22:24

I was in a relationship with someone who had a prostitute habit from before we met. I found out because he caught herpes and wasn't careful about using condoms. When I went to an STI clinic, I had caught several from him.

I don't know that much about why people visit prostitutes but I do know that it's a habit they rarely change. I think he'll continue given time and he's going through the motions to win you back.

I had a good think about what to do but immediately knew when I found out that I would never forgive him. He had put my health at risk and he was treating me with contempt. I left him to get on with it.

I also suggest you have a think about how he managed to have two lives and all the lies he told. I don't think I could love someone and treat them like that.

scottishlass123 · 22/01/2021 21:51

It is such a difficult position you are in. You want your marriage to work as does your husband. But he has done something that you don't know if you can live with for the rest of your life. The dynamic of your relationship has changed forever and you are the one who has to accept, forgive or at least put up with what he has done. I can imagine that you cannot even speak to your family and friends about this. I get it is an addiction but it is such a damaging addiction to you. I have no words of advice really but I can understand the compassionate part of you that wants to forgive your husband who you love and who has an addiction. You need to go to therapy to figure out if you can move on from this and stayed married or if it is in your best interests to move on. You have a right to be happy and content with your life. I hope you find peace of mind and happiness.

Crappyfridays7 · 22/01/2021 20:18

My dad was a horrible Pervy man who did very similar you think your daughter won’t know or find out but she will. And is that the environment you want her brought up in? Is an unhappy mother and a dad who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself better than leaving and starting again the 2 of you?

Salvaging some sort of happiness for the 2 of you or just dragging yourself and her through a life of lies, deceit, and cheating? You can choose to stay, she hasn’t chosen this life. You need to choose yourself op, love yourself enough to not let your husband think it’s ok to do what he did and you’ll stay, love your daughter enough to leave and give her the chance of a better life without unhappiness etc. It’s horrible being the kids in a farce of a marriage it’s blatantly obvious when parents are staying together for the kids.

If, one day, your daughters husband did this would you encourage her to stay or leave?...

peak2021 · 22/01/2021 20:18

You would not destroy your daughter by leaving. It would be hard but not impossible, and in any case, does she need to know the full details other than perhaps his infidelity?

BettyAndVeronica · 22/01/2021 20:10

Not in a million years would I want to plan my future with this man.

Why on earth would you want to even try and forgive / move past it. No reason makes it worth it. DC will be happy if you're happy.

JohnBarron · 22/01/2021 20:09

That’s the thing, addicts don’t just stop, they hide what they’re doing.

CluelessnotShoeless · 22/01/2021 19:52

It may be an addiction but addicts usually relapse so consider that.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 22/01/2021 19:47

And apparently he's addicted because that's how he lost his virginity Hmm.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 22/01/2021 19:46

@PammieDooveOrangeJoof

It’s funny how it’s always an addiction with these things and not someone doing something that they know is awful but think they can get away with:
It's the first time I've heard of an addiction to prostitutes. Addicted to sex, yes, but prostitutes? New one on me.
BigGreen · 22/01/2021 19:45

Your daughter will arguably be more impacted by a relationship where there is no respect than a clean break separation.

yetmorecrap · 22/01/2021 19:45

From
My experience OP, you can push it to the back of your mind and go on functioning as a couple reasonably well but something inside simply ‘dies a death’ — I find it relatively straight forward to forgive (and it wasn’t escorts) but I have found it impossible to forget to be honest. I think if you genuinely do still care about the other person it’s often actually kinder to insist they move on , in my case (and I didn’t leave for quite a few practical reasons ) it certainly killed the sex life and affection on my side too.

Hanbam · 22/01/2021 19:33

You won’t get over it

BejeweledCrocs · 22/01/2021 19:16

This happened to me in year 3 of relationship (well that's when I found out). I "moved on". In year 10 of relationship found out again. So the relationship finally ended.

I never got to the truth but guess he saw escorts throughout our relationship. So from my pov, chuck the fucker xxx

C0NNIE · 22/01/2021 19:08

@AnyFucker

Leave him because of your daughter.

All those coerced women are someone's daughter. Your husband is scum.

This.

I couldn’t ever forgive someone who had abused prostituted women. You know, don’t you OP, that many of them will have been forced into it by their “boyfriend“ to feed his ( and their ) habit.

Others will be women and girls who are trafficked ☹️☹️.

Please don’t think that’s not the case in your area. I know someone who is a HCP in a small town who spotted a girl of about 14 who was brought in for urgent health care. They suspected that she was trafficked and informed the police who were able to rescue her later.

That’s the reality of what your husband has been doing. It’s not Pretty Woman and Belle De Jour.

I know you don’t want to believe this - no one does. But you need to face the reality of who your husband is, if you decide to stay. You have to the right to make an informed choice.

PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 22/01/2021 19:07

It’s funny how it’s always an addiction with these things and not someone doing something that they know is awful but think they can get away with:

Wearywithteens · 22/01/2021 19:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

iamlocutus · 22/01/2021 18:58

He has cheated. It's time to go.

He isn't addicted. I say that as someone who spent their single years enjoying sensual massages every few weeks. I haven't cheated on my wife in our 15 year marriage. There is no addiction for this, just desire to do it weighed against consequences.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 22/01/2021 18:55

I truly don't mean to be unkind, to OP or anyone else, but there are so many times when a man proves himself an absolute shit of a partner and father, and the woman stays "for the children", and it's just so obvious that she's really staying for herself, because leaving is very very hard. I don't say that with judgement, but I do think it's often the case. It's hard to watch.

AnyFucker · 22/01/2021 18:39

Too right

LimpLettice · 22/01/2021 18:39

Could I? No, not ever. This ain't 'just' infidelity, OP, and and it's not an addiction, either. My ex was a cheating arsehole. My DD is not destroyed. She is happy, well adjusted, and loves living with me and a stepfather who treats us like beloved people and not trash. At 11, she tells me she hopes she ends up with a man like my DH, not daddy, who treats every partner like trash.

No idea if you're coming back, but if you are reading: he did it repeatedly. He had sex over and over with women having multiple partners a DAY. He had sex with them. He treated real, living breathing women as commodities he could buy, while you nourished and grew a daughter. He did all that, putting not just you, but your daughter, at risk of horrible diseases which can and do cause birth defects. Think on, what will destroy your daughter? You taking care of the two of you, or him? I know which is more likely.