Can I recover years of cheating with escorts?

Living with someone with an addiction is hell. It’s only people who have never done it who say

“ Ah bless the poor lamb, it’s not his fault, he can’t help it - it’s an addiction. As long as he admits it and goes for counselling, it will all be fixed and everything will be fine. So you must put up and shut up - only a heartless cow would leave a poor man who is ill. Remember you are just a support human who’s only job in life is to forgive and protect him from the consequences of his behaviour “.

He’s had years if not decades to address this “ addiction “ and he’s done nothing until he was caught. That’s not the sign of someone who genuinely wants to change.

Also if he is an addict, the OP can’t believe a word that comes out his mouth. Addicts are the best liars and actors in the world.

I’m so sorry OP, I understand this must all be very painful to read. There’s nothing I’d like more than to be able to post

“ Well if he’s promised not to do it again then I’m sure he won’t, so everything will be fine now”.

But you deserve better than more lies and nice platitudes.

It doesn't matter whether it's really an addiction (like so many men seem to claim) or not. It is perfectly reasonable and sensible of you to leave him because of what he's done, regardless of why he claims to have done it. I wouldn't be remotely sympathetic. He has no respect for you and no respect for women.

It is easy for posters who are not walking in your shoes to say LTB. You have been understanding to see that it was an addiction driving your husband's behaviour. He is working on getting help for his addiction now. You both want you to be forgiving and to move òn with your lives. Therapy may help you better understand his addiction,.that it was present before he met you and help you possibly find a way to detach his addiction from you and your relationship. As his addiction belongs to him and is being driven by something that was present before he met you. Six months is not a long time, it will take time to accept and move on together. As they say time heals all wounds. Go easy on yourself. Hope you find peace of mind.

While he was doing this his wife didn't matter (which is one thing) but neither did the sex worker he was doing it to. You can't grow empathy, and that's what's lacking here.

^This, I agree absolutely. There's no way he could know that the woman he's paying for sex is there willingly or not. There are a lot who are not and most of the others are vulnerable. It's exploitation of women pure and simple.

If it is an addition he will also need help with that - just like gambling or alcohol addition.

But it isn't an addiction like gambling or alcohol because those don't involve abusing another person. I know addicts that beg and and do all kinds of things to feed their habit. They can come back. But the ones that hurt people, and steal to feed their habits, they tend to find it harder.

While he was doing this his wife didn't matter (which is one thing) but neither did the sex worker he was doing it to. You can't grow empathy, and that's what's lacking here.

It is VITAL op that both you and your child are screened for STDs. He's put you both at incredible risk.

Hi OP. I'm going to go against the grain here (and probably get flamed for it). It is possible to get over it but only if:-
1 He continues going to counseling until his actions have changed for good.
2 He works on why he went down this path (usually connected with his childhood).

1. If it is an addition he will also need help with that - just like gambling or alcohol addition.

All these areas are very hard to come to terms with. A lot of women would just throw in the towel now. I guess it depends on if you think it is worth putting the effort in - it will be a long process. It will be lonely for you, as you said you can't talk to anyone about it. Perhaps you have 1 friend you could talk to? I think it is also worth your husband going to a sex therapist not just a regular therapist - there is a big difference. I wish you luck whichever road you decide to chose x

@lalunedujour

Sorry to read about what is happening, I have been there too. Maybe try reading the work of Paula Hall who specialises in infidelity due to porn or sex workers. Whether you decide to stay or leave it may be helpful. www.paulahall.co.uk

I stayed and tried to make it work for three years but I couldn't, he did it again (never stopped the behaviour really) I regret the time I wasted trying to make it work. I saw in the end this was just who he is and he had no space for me in his life, I was a " respectability" screen for him to hide behind when he was lying about the person he was to the rest of the world. Whatever you decide to do I wish you every happiness in the future.

Do you know what I resent after the betrayal is the amount of money, family money that would have been wasted on this :(

You can nicer forgive him. He won't change. You need to leave him
For your daughter, not stay for your daughter

I want to vomit when I read these threads.
Pregnant wife at home while he goes and puts his dick in any hole that accepts money.
It's so disgusting.
Your health risked, if he'd given you a disease while pregnant then your daughters life could have been risked.
The deceit and outrageous waste of money.
Treating women as nothing but commodities.

He has destroyed your marriage. He's revolting and selfish.

You can make your own choice as to what you'll do but I can guarantee this will wreck your mental health, you'll be paranoid he'll do it again, how will you sleep with him again knowing what you do?
This is his fault.
He needed to be single and revolting, not pretend to be a family with someone and lie and scheme.

Get an std check, seek further counselling and realise you're worth 20 of this stupid fucker and plan your life and goals that don't take him into consideration ever again.

Sorry to hear this op, it seems in sometimes we never truly know our other half at times, not sure what to advise other than put your health and well being first and foremost, and apologies but the song I get around is now in my mind,

I think your daughter is why you should leave!

This is a man who thinks women and girls not only CAN be bought and sold to satisfy men's sexual urges but SHOULD be.

I very much doubt he's stopped and even if he has I doubt it will last.

He put you and your daughters health at risk many multiple times and in multiple ways, spent money he shouldn't have, spent time away from you that he shouldn't have, betrayed, deceived and humiliated you.

Why do you think you have to stay?

I left my ex for cheating and that was one woman and was bad enough. I have never regretted leaving but I do wish he hadn't cheated.

I raised my dd alone for the most part and she is absolutely fine. Indeed she is now almost 20 and away studying and living (as best as one can in current circumstances) a good life. I am immensely proud of her.

No amount of counselling will ever change who a person fundamentally IS - he is a person who showed you and your daughter NO loyalty NO care NO thought, he also didn't care if the girls/women he was shagging were trafficked, violently raped (I am of the opinion that prostitution is effectively rape), addicts or otherwise desperate - the "happy hooker" crap is a myth!

He is a disgrace and that will never change.

MY XH was unfaithful. for an extended period. I chose to go to counselling with him to work out what I wanted for me. I chose to divorce him. My DC were 5 and 7. He wasn't the man I thought he was, a shabby, lying, dirty cheat. I can never regret ending it. I couldn't even bear to be the in same room as him - how could I have swallowed up that shit.

In regards to previous posters saying it isn’t rape with a prostitute, ask yourself would this woman have had sex with this man if money wasn’t involved? Is there a genuine connection and want towards that man. No there isn’t, they only do it for the money and they don’t enjoy it.

You’ll never get over it. It’ll torture you, and you’ll never trust him again. The pain will lessen in time but why should you have to put up with that? You’ll always be wondering if he is where he says he is.

I’m sorry, but I don’t buy the addiction excuse - he chose to go there and to deceive you. He’s just sorry he got found out.

I could never stay with a man who has put his penis into someone else (or in your Dh’s case, many many someone’s) whilst supposedly in a relationship with me. He doesn’t respect you. And your dd will be fine. Better to leave him now while she’s young.

[quote Lauren551]@lalunedujour

I agree with you

I don’t ageee prostittues are poor vulnerable people either , not all of them have pimps or are trafficked, infact they are the minority ,I’ve researched this and most are independent, money greedy trash that wouldn’t think twice of sleeping with your husband on his dinner break for £50 trust me stop saying it’s rape or painting them as victims , I’ve seen many and it’s not the case at all , many do it on the side alongside a full or part time jobs

Op what your partner did was disgusting but please don’t let advice on here push you to a decision it has to be your own , have you friends and family members you can speak to about this so you can get perspective from people that actually know him?

None of us can tell you if he’ll do it again or not

I would also like to add that before Infidelity happens people will swear they’d leave straight away , they think it’s so easy but when it actually happens to you , when the perfect husband and life you thought you had is ruined by a man who appears no different to any other man or husband it’s not as easy as you think and any woman who has been through the same will tell you this.[/quote]
My 'research' has been 40 years working with women and some men who prostituted. I've had one crying on me because she had to work and didn't want to. Some fucking arsehole shagged her even with her red, tear-stained face. Another women went to work because her BF had no drugs, she gave him the money, he used it, then beat her for 'cheating' on him. That's two of a thousand stories.

If your 'research' is online bear in mind that pimps and punters are writing the history of these women.

I would, just once, like to see a post that goes 'my husband has been seeing prostitutes for years and when I confronted him he admitted to being a scummy fuck who has no respect for me or our relationship, nor a fuck to give about the fact he puts his dick in trafficked women.'

It's always an addiction, a meltdown, an emotional breakdown.

Nah. Men visit prostitutes because they want to. And it is perfectly ok for you to not want to stay with someone who chooses to do that, OP.

I don’t ageee prostittues are poor vulnerable people either , not all of them have pimps or are trafficked, infact they are the minority ,I’ve researched this and most are independent, money greedy trash that wouldn’t think twice of sleeping with your husband on his dinner break for £50 trust me stop saying it’s rape or painting them as victims , I’ve seen many and it’s not the case at all , many do it on the side alongside a full or part time jobs

Men who pay sex workers for sex cannot know those sex workers aren't trafficked, vulnerable or abused. They are willing to run the risk. Decent men wouldn't do that.

You say you've 'researched this' but what does that mean? As in an scientific, academic research paper into the motivations and backgrounds of sex workers? I would assume not if you are saying the majority of them are 'independent, money greedy trash.'

Not "all" are prostitutes are any one thing, because they are real, living people not a homogenous group. The point is that punters are willing to run the risk that the one they pay for sex IS one of the vulnerable, non independent, at risk ones. And they are still happy to pay for sex with them.

The fact you humanise the punter involved by making it 'your husband' despite dehumanising prostitutes as mainly 'trash' is very telling. With misogynist women like you, who needs sexist men.

It's 2021 and some women just can't seem to get behind the idea of aiming for a world where vulnerable women aren't a commodity for men. How depressing.

@lalunedujour

I agree with you

I don’t ageee prostittues are poor vulnerable people either , not all of them have pimps or are trafficked, infact they are the minority ,I’ve researched this and most are independent, money greedy trash that wouldn’t think twice of sleeping with your husband on his dinner break for £50 trust me stop saying it’s rape or painting them as victims , I’ve seen many and it’s not the case at all , many do it on the side alongside a full or part time jobs

Op what your partner did was disgusting but please don’t let advice on here push you to a decision it has to be your own , have you friends and family members you can speak to about this so you can get perspective from people that actually know him?

None of us can tell you if he’ll do it again or not

I would also like to add that before Infidelity happens people will swear they’d leave straight away , they think it’s so easy but when it actually happens to you , when the perfect husband and life you thought you had is ruined by a man who appears no different to any other man or husband it’s not as easy as you think and any woman who has been through the same will tell you this.

This isn’t what you want to hear, but some things are unforgivable in life. You’ll never see him in the same way, his actions have long-standing consequences that you may not get over. Your relationship won’t continue on the trajectory it was before, and you know now that your previous happiness was all a facade as behind closed doors he was deceptive and disrespectful

As well as the blatant shitting all over your life, your trust and your family unit, he put your health at risk in a MAJOR way without a second thought.

You say that he claims it's an addiction and then you say you're not worried about him doing it again.
If it is an addiction, he's not going to be able to kick it just like that.

Walk away and build a happy home with your daughter and yourself. He's a piece of shit.

No, you can’t. He paid women for sex, which to me is on a very thin line between consensual and non consensual sex.

I’m so sorry he lied about something so disgusting and has made you feel this way. My only sane advice would be to leave him and bring up your DD without someone like him in your life. How would he feel if his daughter worked as a prostitute when she’s older and men paid her? You both deserve better.

My main source of strength is my daughter who I simply cannot destroy over this.

Do you really think that women (or men) who end a romantic relationship with the other parent of their kids for any reason, including infertility (and in your partners case, a total absence of respect for women including you and the ones he saw as a commodity to purchase) are "destroying" their children?

Leaving your partner does not equal destroying your children. You can coparent. Think how many people separate / divorce... do you really think they are all "destroying" their children?

You hopefully don't think that, so why are you positioning your own situation as being a choice between staying or destroying your child's world... that isn't what you'd be doing by leaving.

Frankly you'd be showing her women are more than capable of being independent and having boundaries and an expectation of respect from the people in their lives.