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Original poster

Can I recover years of cheating with escorts?

157 replies

lalunedujour · 22/01/2021 14:19

Ladies, I turn to you for impartial advice, by this I mean if possible not to project yourself onto my situation and think - what would I do? Don't, because you will never know what you would do until it happens to you. You think you know your partner and above all you think you know yourself, but then something like this comes up and all is out of the window.

Long (wish) story short - I discovered in July that my husband had been seeing prositutes, escorts, whatever is the correct term for it, for years, as in since I was pregnant at least so about 4 years ago. All in the midst of coronavirus and being in full isolation, with me out of a job and him being the only provider (first time in our lives).

I can't begin to explain the rollercoaster of emotions at the time (still now) but there and then it was intense and a sever shock. He was never 'the type' and in fact I always had a higher sex drive than him and he hardly initiated sex in our relationship, well past the first year at least.

He confessed straight away and went into a full meltdown, confessing a long addiction since his teens as it was how he broke his virginity (the things we learn!!) His excuse or reasoning was that it had been a secret for years and he always thought he could get rid of it, but it was an addiction.

He saw a therapist since then and did everything he could, whatever that means, to regain my trust, to apologise and to express his own disgust.

I have tried my hardest to forgive him but of course I cannot - I am constantly reminded by the thought of it all, the betrayal, the lies, the ability he had to do it for YEARS, while I was pregnant, working hard, trying to get back to my female self after birth etc etc but he was content in his sex life I guess because he was visiting countless places at least once a week.

No need to bang on about the details as to how I found out but lets say Uber rides is a wonderful app to look at..

So here I am, 6 months later, trying to get over this with immense struggle. My main source of strength is my daughter who I simply cannot destroy over this.

I don't have concerns as to him doing it again, but I can't move past what has already been done.

I appreciate your insight.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
CariadStar · Today 02:34

I'm going through a divorce. It is taking years. Since the separation we have lost both sets of parents, moved country. I have lost my job. The situation is a little complex. But my issue is that although I wanted the divorce, I am.struggling. I caught him cheating, using escorts, going on online forums looking for hook ups, etc. And it transpires that he had several affairs/liaisons during our 21 year marriage. My life has been upended. He is in a new relationship with a woman who adores him and puts all over Facebook about her love for him and how great he is. For me he was moody, controlling and wanted to do very little with me. He sees her every weekend and they do lots of things together.
I'm jobless, been staying with friends or house sitting while I wait for my settlement. I don't want to go into all details, but it is a painful, emotionally challenging process. My health has suffered and I am broken.
I can't recover from the trauma the situation has caused. People say move on, but I am stuck. I don't think I will ever trust anyone again and I am struggling to keep things together. I can't see a future.
Please share any advice to help me move on and hopefully build a future for myself.

Beingrealistic2022 · 31/12/2022 02:01

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/12/2022 02:56

@Beingrealistic2022 you are not only a smug twat, you are also more than a year out of date on this thread. Are you just trolling any thread to tell women off, no matter how old they are?

And yes, porn is also not OK, it isn't the same as raping a trafficked woman yourself.

Why in your opinion are all escorts trafficked?

Are you telling me all these women on only fans selling themselves for sex to men are trafficked?
Nope!!
They are In it because money is involved!!

Very shallow and narrow minded person you are. Women are portraying themselves and advertising on sites and in strip clubs making themselves desirable to men. Do you not think women need to look at what they are doing they are tempting men to lust after and desire them. Sorry fine line here you’re crossing here making out women are always the innocent parties here.

I think you need to open your eyes not all escorts are trafficked.

Shakeyitoff · 30/12/2022 11:05

Just realised this is an old thread. Hope you’re recovering?

Shakeyitoff · 30/12/2022 11:00

You’re setting and example of how a relationship works for your daughter. If she sees you putting up with this, that’s ultimately what will destroy her and her chance at healthy future relationships. You being strong and leaving his sorry lying arse won’t. You’re worth more than this. Find some self respect and keep it with you when he leaves. Trust can never be regained and tbh it will be easier on the child if you separate before they know much about it.

forththeroast · 30/12/2022 10:57

I think that the sex offered by prostitutes is a different sort of sex. I'm not really sure why men like it beyond using a woman as a piece of meat, 'sticking it in holes' type sex. That is not the type of man one would want as a long-term partner. It's a shame these types of men don't make it clear to their partners before marrying them that they like that type of sex.

Prostitutes can say that they enjoy sex and that they're good at it and that they get paid as a result. Yet I've seen the mechanical and clinical sort of sex people have with strangers at swinging parties, and suspected some punters had brought prostitutes with them. That sort of sex is very, very different to sex within a committed relationship.

forththeroast · 30/12/2022 10:48

JNI20 · 09/12/2021 23:02

Hi Op - our timelines are very similar and so is our situation. I am also struggling a lot and can’t seem to make a decision one way or the other. Wish you all the best and if you ever want to talk I am here. I understand what you are going through

Focus on you. Live in the present. He's to blame 100%. His failings are his failings. You are responsible for your feelings now and in the future, 100%.

If you choose to give him another chance, mentally compartmentalise it if need be. Avoid triggers. Don't re-run his failings in your head. Plan your future based on what you want. If your life would be negatively impacted by leaving him, but you want to leave him, then take as long as you need to be in a secure situation before leaving him. But most of all, don't take any further shit from him or from anyone else.

DidyouNO · 30/12/2022 08:46

If this is any help at all, and I appreciate everyone is different but I found out my (ex) husband had cheated off and on for years. One night stands or weeks/months. Also the reason he was uncontactable while I was giving birth to our 3rd DC. I went through all the emotions but mostly blamed myself. My 'mum' bod. My 'saggy ness' my lack of sparkle, fun anything. I stayed for 10years after!! I didn't want to 'fail' I tried, we had another baby so I can't regret staying for that but I regret losing years of my life to him. I hate the low self esteem I now have. I'm not and never will be the same person. I'm remarried and happy but I'm not who I was. Given my time again I should have left, for myself, my sanity, my self confidence. I should never have stayed but, for my DC4 I can't feel that in my heart. Because I'd never change having him. He's the perfect ending and I'm a really good mum.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 30/12/2022 08:38

You won’t destroy your daughter
and with all due respect why will he stop ?
its been years and years and even therapy hasn’t stopped him

please don’t think you have to save him to save your daughter

Fraaahnces · 30/12/2022 06:40

I would assume that how you found out in the first place would depend on whether or not you can forgive him and work through it. If he came clean on his own then maybe. If you guessed and found out yourself because he’s been shady and you had to do the spy work, probably not. If he’d been lying and lying and shifting family funds. No.

allboysherebutme · 30/12/2022 04:48

By the way none of this is your fault leave him now and find a decent man when you want to. X

allboysherebutme · 30/12/2022 04:46

Why would you want to recover from it, the thought of it makes me feel sick, if it was my husband he'd have been out the door that day and I'd have been booking an appointment at the diseases clinic to have every test going.
I couldn't even be in the same room as him let alone want to recover.
Also to me they say it's an addiction to make an excuse for their shit behaviour.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/12/2022 02:56

@Beingrealistic2022 you are not only a smug twat, you are also more than a year out of date on this thread. Are you just trolling any thread to tell women off, no matter how old they are?

And yes, porn is also not OK, it isn't the same as raping a trafficked woman yourself.

Beingrealistic2022 · 30/12/2022 02:12

lalunedujour · 22/01/2021 14:19

Ladies, I turn to you for impartial advice, by this I mean if possible not to project yourself onto my situation and think - what would I do? Don't, because you will never know what you would do until it happens to you. You think you know your partner and above all you think you know yourself, but then something like this comes up and all is out of the window.

Long (wish) story short - I discovered in July that my husband had been seeing prositutes, escorts, whatever is the correct term for it, for years, as in since I was pregnant at least so about 4 years ago. All in the midst of coronavirus and being in full isolation, with me out of a job and him being the only provider (first time in our lives).

I can't begin to explain the rollercoaster of emotions at the time (still now) but there and then it was intense and a sever shock. He was never 'the type' and in fact I always had a higher sex drive than him and he hardly initiated sex in our relationship, well past the first year at least.

He confessed straight away and went into a full meltdown, confessing a long addiction since his teens as it was how he broke his virginity (the things we learn!!) His excuse or reasoning was that it had been a secret for years and he always thought he could get rid of it, but it was an addiction.

He saw a therapist since then and did everything he could, whatever that means, to regain my trust, to apologise and to express his own disgust.

I have tried my hardest to forgive him but of course I cannot - I am constantly reminded by the thought of it all, the betrayal, the lies, the ability he had to do it for YEARS, while I was pregnant, working hard, trying to get back to my female self after birth etc etc but he was content in his sex life I guess because he was visiting countless places at least once a week.

No need to bang on about the details as to how I found out but lets say Uber rides is a wonderful app to look at..

So here I am, 6 months later, trying to get over this with immense struggle. My main source of strength is my daughter who I simply cannot destroy over this.

I don't have concerns as to him doing it again, but I can't move past what has already been done.

I appreciate your insight.

Of course you can move on I have one question to you….have you ever watched porn?

Guess what if you have you’ve paid for a prostitute.

How?? You ask ….it’s only porn

  1. What is prostitution?

the practice or occupation of engaging in sexual activity with someone for payment.

Do the people on porn sites get paid (yes)

  1. Just like YouTubers get paid porn industry get paid when you click on the link

Guess what you’ve paid for digital prostitute no money exchanged hands but no money left my bank account it’s on a computer.

Again it’s only porn I’m not cheating..hmmm let’s see you’re watching someone else get off other than your partner and desiring something else.

Or lets look at this another way I go to a house and watch 2 people have sex in the same room whilst I masturbate and get off…is that cheating?? isn’t that what porn is?

I think you all need your eyes opening on here and look at things from different perspectives.

DelphiniumBlue · 10/12/2021 20:09

He's a disgusting sleaze, how can you move past that? I would feel sickened and certainly never want to be intimate again with someone like that.
Not only has he cheated on you repeatedly over a period of years, he thinks it's Ok to pay vulnerable women to cater to him, using family money and making out to you that he has a low sex drive. He then pleads addiction as a get-out , how revolting!
Did he seek a therapist's help to beat this so-called addiction before you found out, or was he happy to carry on in secret?
Why do you want to forgive this?

dg2003 · 10/12/2021 19:58

I honestly don't know how you can handle this and stay. You deserve more than this. This is the worst betrayal. Your daughter will be fine. Move on and leave him.

user1481840227 · 10/12/2021 01:25

@Katprice

Hi OP. I'm going to go against the grain here (and probably get flamed for it). It is possible to get over it but only if:- 1 He continues going to counseling until his actions have changed for good. 2 He works on why he went down this path (usually connected with his childhood).
  1. If it is an addition he will also need help with that - just like gambling or alcohol addition.

All these areas are very hard to come to terms with. A lot of women would just throw in the towel now. I guess it depends on if you think it is worth putting the effort in - it will be a long process. It will be lonely for you, as you said you can't talk to anyone about it. Perhaps you have 1 friend you could talk to? I think it is also worth your husband going to a sex therapist not just a regular therapist - there is a big difference. I wish you luck whichever road you decide to chose x

The things you listed there are things that HE has to do, not what the OP would need to do/go through/work through etc. to even attempt to get over it.

She could also do a ton of work on herself and building herself up and letting go of pain/trauma/hurt etc and her husband could go and sleep with prostitutes again and put her right back at square one.

I also wouldn't be surprised if he used the OP's journey to try to get past this as an excuse if he did in fact go back to prostitutes again....if she stays with him she will inevitably go through periods of disgust etc..if he's claiming to be an addict he will use her 'disgust' as an excuse for his 'relapse'.

JNI20 · 09/12/2021 23:02

Hi Op - our timelines are very similar and so is our situation. I am also struggling a lot and can’t seem to make a decision one way or the other. Wish you all the best and if you ever want to talk I am here. I understand what you are going through

Asurvivor · 17/02/2021 21:53

Having been in this situation myself (same story with exdh that 1st experience was paid-sex and then it continued on as an “addiction” etc) - now many years after having left him and having my own happy life, my thoughts were:

  1. You can’t get the time back, so try to let go of that. Accept that the relationship you thought you had was not real. Your dh concealed who he actually was and you can’t go back or change anything about that. But that was the past and you can choose to live differently in the future.
  2. It is very easy to say it is an “addiction” because that implies that someone can’t help it or is ill in some way. It implies some kind of suffering and invokes sympathy. This is unlikely to be the case - it has been a choice, and a bad one, because he will have taken advantage of women at vulnerable times in their lives (I am not counting women who choose this, but those who don’t).
  3. You write about a deep struggle - why should you be struggling? Given that he was capable of deceit over a long period and the bad choices he made, the struggle is his and his alone and whether he is capable of changing to become the man that you and your dd deserve. Go easier in your mind, you will be ok whatever happens, put the responsibility onto his shoulders to become a better person. Give him a chance if you feel that is needed - for you or for him - but if he can’t take on this responsibility, then life is showing you that there is another path to take.
Mintypylonsfryingsurplus · 17/02/2021 01:44

@Gamezup I dont blame you or your daughter at all. Its the women and kids that suffer due to these men. @jazz1995 what is not mature is gaslighting and treating an unknowing partner who pretends to the world they are the doting husband and father. Mature would be becoming single rather than exposing your partner to STDs possible pregnancies using family money and generally being a loathsome John.

Gamezup · 16/02/2021 22:05

An idea which came from our 18 year old daughter who was also appalled at what her dad had been getting up to.

Gamezup · 16/02/2021 21:48

And again speaking from experience, you too will probably become capable of doing more research and investigation than MI fucking 6 !

jazz1995 · 16/02/2021 21:45

@Gamezup

OP your story is my story, exactly. I know EXACTLY how you feel and let me tell you that you will never look at your husband in the same way again - ever. I tried to forgive and move on. It didnt work. A year after I found out what he had been getting up to, I was still as bitter, broken and depressed as I had never been before. On hindsight I should have kicked him out when I discovered what a disgusting lying cheating serial adulterer he was. I didn't as I thought our marriage was worth salvaging. I was wrong and bitterly regret even thinking I could get over it. Result: divorce. And when my divorce was finalised, I had the pleasure of sending all his phone records matching the relevant prostitutes he had used to all his family, relatives and friends so they could see what an accomplished liar and adulterer he was.
Because this is incredibly mature isn’t it Hmm
Gamezup · 16/02/2021 21:38

OP your story is my story, exactly. I know EXACTLY how you feel and let me tell you that you will never look at your husband in the same way again - ever. I tried to forgive and move on. It didnt work. A year after I found out what he had been getting up to, I was still as bitter, broken and depressed as I had never been before. On hindsight I should have kicked him out when I discovered what a disgusting lying cheating serial adulterer he was. I didn't as I thought our marriage was worth salvaging. I was wrong and bitterly regret even thinking I could get over it. Result: divorce. And when my divorce was finalised, I had the pleasure of sending all his phone records matching the relevant prostitutes he had used to all his family, relatives and friends so they could see what an accomplished liar and adulterer he was.

jazz1995 · 15/02/2021 04:37

@Sandals19

He's a dud, defective .. chuck him back.in the sea. Be glad you only have one child with him.

Oh and the prostitutes who've posted on here have said that most punters are punters for life. They show them pics of their attractive wives and partners, they talk about them, they have many many "last times" but they always turn up again sooner or later.

Oh and the prostitutes who've posted on here have said that most punters are punters for life. They show them pics of their attractive wives and partners, they talk about them, they have many many "last times" but they always turn up again sooner or later.

Sad but also very true

jazz1995 · 15/02/2021 04:35

I’m going to stick my ore in as a sex worker.
Ex escort but current cam girl

Not all of us are drug addicts. Not all of us are trafficked. Not all of us are vulnerable- I had a very middle class upbringing. Private school then university. You wouldn’t know if you walked passed me in the street.

So why you might ask?

I enjoy sex. I’m good at it. And I make good money. And fwiw unless your husband is picking up random crack heads from the side of the street- most escorts insist on protection.

There is a difference between picking some random girl dressed in Lycra standing on a street corner and a girl advertised on a website. It’s a career for some of us and for some it’s a way to make a quick £20 to buy a wrap.

So let’s not tar everyone with the same brush and remember everyone’s human eh?

Not condoning what has happened to you OP- leave him if you don’t trust him and can’t forgive him. If you don’t have trust you don’t have fuck all.