I am a twat, I am a twat

TWAT thing 1: Car wouldn't start, so I called the AA to come around and sort out my flat battery. Waited an hour before he turned up, then he sat in the front seat and PUT IT IN NEUTRAL! It had been in DRIVE the whole time. The battery was fine. I've not told a soul.

TWAT thing 2: Was off for the weekend by myself, heavily pregnant, to see an old friend who liveds in Dublin. My first time there. Being of a foreign persuasion (a Kiwi), I thought I'd need my passport, so tucked it in with my tickets, and off I set. Got there in plenty of time, proudly presented the tickets and passport, only to find that it was DH's passport. The irony is, you don't NEED a passport, you just need photo id, and I wasn't carrying a damn thing. Had to go all the way home, swap passports, and lumber rapidly back. Have not told DH, as I would never hear the end of it.

DH always used to leave his keys in the door. We had a lovely milkman who would post them back through the letter box for us. Very early one morning we had a knock on the door. Lovely milkman handed over DH's laptop - couldn't fit it throught he letterbox

And forgot one I meant to add. I parked my car once, went to a Very Important Meeting, set off to go back to carpark, got all the staff I was meeting, security guards and random passers-by in a stew because I had lost my car keys...

Has anyone noticed? It has been moved to Classics

Well done DiffID

Have left keys in front door on numerous occassions.

Picked up plates under hob forgetting they'd be hot

But the worse one was:

getting locked in the garage by DD1 (then 3), with front door wide open and DD2 (then 5mths), snoozing in carry cot. I remember throwing myself like something out of a James Bond film at the dwindling gap as the door shut to here DD1 giggling on the other side. It was the longest few minutes of my life as I pursuaded DD to press the button to open the door. I always take the garage fob with me now....

olissa hilarious LMAO

I've left my cash card in the machine with the pin number typed in, and asking me if I want cash, and I've wandered off perusing my balance reciept (thank you to the nice man in Waterloo station who returned it to natwest..)

When I first lived on a flat on my own the radiators stopped working, and boyfriend (now dh) said I should bleed them. About an hour later he phoned to ask how I was getting on. I said that it was going well, but there was so much water to let out I had had to get lots of jugs and buckets to take the water as it 'bled' out.

It was only after a stunned silence that he informed me that when you bleed a radiator you only let the air out, not the water. And in draining the water out of your hot water/heating system you could be in serious trouble. So, I'm not the twat here, clearly, its the person who came up with the expression "bleeding" the radiators, which would imply the letting out of a liquid, rather than calling it "aerating" or something more suitable..

Bump. And have 'reported' your post DiffID to nominate for Classics

Leave my keys in ignition overnight at the weekend. Battery flat next day. Borrow DD's car and drive to Halfords to buy jump leads. Miss the one way system because I am talking. Shit. Drive round again. Take different wrong turning off one way system again because I am talking. Shit. Turn around and head for Halfords again. Accidentally turn left because it is my usual route home and I am talking. Shit shit shit. Turn around again and refuse to open mouth so that I finally make it to Halfords. I am a complete knob.

The other night i smelt burning but couldn't find where it was coming from, informed dp, as i was heading out and was late, Dp sat there and did nothing (he apparently couldn't smell it).

Came back and could still smell it, so after some investigation, i found the reason, dp had been moving the furniture around, and had pushed my rocking chair to close to the lamp, the rocking chair had a towel over it, was pushing it directly onto the lightbulb beneath, had burnt through the shade and was currently burning through the towel grrrr.

And at work for some strange reason i decided that i would climb on the table to fix a painting to the ceiling, old table, legs collapsed, i fell off table into the step ladder (that i was meant to be using) and the table landed on my leg very very painful, and the painting which was attached got dragged back down. (work in nursery, although no children in the room at the time)

We need more. these are brilliant.

Have done most of these, but nothing brilliantly funny or twattish is coming to mind.

After asking someone for a light, I bent my face downward to the lighter that had been offered to me, and the person said 'You should probably put the fag in your mouth first...'

And I wasn't drunk either..

I am a Twat.

I was home from university in the holidays and had been out with friends, got back to Mum and Dad's a little tipsy {ok, more than a little) and decided to cook a Cornish pasty I found in the fridge.

Lit the gas oven and then threw the pasty into the flames at the back with full force where it caught fire. Rather than turning off the gas, I flailed at it with a tea towel which also caught fire.

Then my dad came in from a different pub and dragged the whole lot out with the oven gloves - yes you guessed it they caught fire and he dropped the whole lot on the floor.

My mum could not say much as she has also caught an iron and frequently puts her Tesco clubcard/library card in the cashpoint.

Twattishness must run in my family.

I left the car door open overnight... as in wide open! It was hallowe'en night so every teenage twat in the village was maurading around egging houses and it was raining.

dp was a leetle bit irritated when he came down in the morning

I've also repeatedly stood at the cooker getting very irritated when a pan or pot isn't heating up only to realise after 20 mins that the damn wall switch isn't on and therefore neither is the cooker.

I take food out of the oven and walk off leaving the oven on... often

I remember my mother putting my little brother's trainers in the rayburn to dry them, and then finding them 3 days later! We did wonder what the odd smell was.

My H is the one who tends to do these things. I've had the police knock on my door to return the car keys that were in our car door in the street. Keys are often left in the car or front door. This did once result in his phone being stolen - although he was more upset that they hadn't taken his jacket too, "What's wrong with my jacket?!"

That's why we now live somewhere with a very low crime rate.

The worst thing he did was 'helpfully' do a water-change of my treasured fishtank while I was away. He filled it to the glass and suffocated all but 5 of my fish

He sleep walks too, so it doesn't necessarily end when he goes to sleep. I have found him buttering entire loaves of bread before now. But I guess that's another story.

Twice in the last fortnight the kind teenage girl who lives next door has popped round to tell me that my car door was lying wide open on the driver's side. the first time we chuckled in 'the things we do!' type fashion, the second she just looked at me really pityingly. Who opens their car door, gets out and then just walks off without shutting it? Why would I do that? Twice?

Whilst drunk, my brother used to make cheese toasties with only one slice of bread and when it started burning, he would stand there look confuddled.

did the same aws timothy (page 1) left the door wide open all day.

and when i was a teenager i put a mini pizzaa i nthe oven at about 7 o'clock. my sister woke me up at 11 to tell yell at me that i'd left it in there.

i always forget that i'm cooking something if someone turns the kitchen light off.

Eddas did similar last week, took my car to my DB's garage and I was taking his car. He asked me to open mine and I was clicking at car for ages, he had a go (we knoe the locking ia on the way out). He then said "maybe we should use YOUR car keys to open it" I'd been clicking with his

OP, this need never happen, you just need to give up ironing.

My mantra on any iron-related thread; "what's so great about very flat clothes?"

During the days of being a smoker, I was at a party without a lighter, so decided instead to light the cigarette using the gas hob. However, I didn't think to switch the hob on first and then light the cigarette, instead, I leant over and lit the gas flame at the same time, then freaked out and ran around screaming that I had burnt my eyebrows off. I did not believe anyone who told me that I had not burnt them off, until I got dragged into the bathroom for a look in the mirror.

Supreme twatishness.

and I don't think I can take it, because it took so long to make it.

Domestic - DH has done that twice. Both times it was £100 and both times he managed to get it back! (I assume that no one used it after him and the machine swallowed it back up!