I am a twat, I am a twat

Oh my god Sparky, what a terrifying image

when bf'ing and extremely sleep deprived, I plugged (what I thought was) the expressing machine in, cupped the pump to my to my breast and put my finger on the 'on' button, was about to press when, for some blessed reason I looked down to see TO MY HORROR, that I had in fact plugged in, and held to my breast THE ELECTRIC HAND BLENDER.

argh, the thought of what nearly was makes me shudder still.

Titsalina, sorry but I am rofling at the image of you snorting hot tea up a teapot spout Wtf were you thinking?

A surprisingly low level of twattery from me, considering how clumsy and forgetful I am. As a uni student I did leave a small lamp on for two days, buried under a pile of coats that had been thrown on top of it when we got home from a night out. The bulb burnt a fetching semi-circular pattern through my ratty astrakhan coat and was scorching hot when I unearthed it.

I used to leave my door key under a stone in my garden when I went out drinking to try and avoid twattish "Oh no lost my keys!" late night incidents.

One early evening the taxi comes, I pull the door closed which then automatically locks. I put spare key under the stone and then realise I had left normal key in the lock on the other side so am now efectively locked out.

I had left my bedroom window open on "tilt" ie with a small opening at the top. Cue a full on comedy incident involving the taxi driver scaling the side of my house on a neighbours ladder. Rest assured you cannot get through a window on tilt. Taxi driver then had to break my back door window and force the lock.

What a twat you may think, but only a real twat would then do the same thing again. At least the second time I knew to go straight for the back door window. TWAT

I once left the keys of a rented car hanging out of the boot lock overnight. Car was parked on a busy road. Amazingly the car and the keys were still there in the morning. I have never felt so releived and lucky in my life.

DH does a very nice line in leaving the keys to the house hanging on the outside of the door.

Amazing that we have any possessions left

Was stuck in traffic with very entertaining friend so decided to turn off and go through carwash so we had an extra few minutes to talk. She was telling me about her surfing holiday and the story was so vivid, I could almost feel the warm waves.

It was then I realised it's a good idea to close the sunroof before entering a carwash

Well I have done loads of these things I have to say, but my favourite was a parent at a school I worked at years ago. She dropped child at nursery with us. Went to supermarket with baby, walked home and realised car had been stolen, rang police etc......they found it on the co-op car park......WHERE SHE HAD LEFT IT before walking home!!!

Parked on top of a hill, forgot to apply handbrake and my car later popped out of gear and rolled down the street, hitting one parked car, bouncing off it and into another. There were only two cars parked in the street at the time, and my car managed to hit both of them.

Also once reversed into a parked trailer which came loose from its chocks and careered down the hill, landing upside down in our neighbour's front garden, where their kids usually played. (that one still makes me feel sick).

Stuck my knife into the toaster when buttering bread (we keep the butter next to the toaster).

I'm very sorry for the physical agonies you seem to have suffered but......pmsl.

I have left my car doors wide open, came home hours later to find slightly wary neighbours circling the car.

Have GIVEN AWAY dh's wedding ring by accident.

Once locked myself out of boyfriend's bedsit after a night-time toilet visit wearing a jumper and nothing else.

iirc the 80's were fab for hair related twatishness. Friend of mine had full on hairspray/backcombed number, was distractedly flicking her cigarette lighter in bored kinda way, stray spark lept into her fringe - carnage.

I left the Gas on in our old oven without igniting it, then i went to investigae and found my food hadn't cooked and realised i hadn't ignited the Gas so with my head still in the oven full of Gas i pressed the ignite button and my hair went up in flames and so did my face, that was damn painfull and extremely twatish.

I sniffed hot tea up the spout of the teapot up my nose when i was a teen and burnt my throat, inside nose and lip really badly.
I wanted to see if i could smell if it was ready

2 weeks later from the tea incident i licked the ice cube tray and got my toung stuck, i then panicked and ripped it oof along with half my toung. I was in hospital a lot as a child/teen, my parents were very nearly investigated by ss because i was hurt so often, it was me the whle time being a twat.

I am always leaving the Oben on though, i also pu my sons nebuliser in our microwave steriliser, it has alot of metal in it and melted everything and blew up the microwave.

Oh and another ocassion I thought my car had been stolen, get the staff from the carpark involved, went to call the police and find my car parked... in another carpark...

Have you been sitting inside a car wondering why why why the keys you used to drive it there do not work anymore? Well, because it was NOT my car

Oh and years ago when I was 18 I went out with a friend in town one night. I parked my car in an estate agent's carpark. Got back and the barrier was down.

Walked up to the police station to ask for help, 2 officers came back with us. I was really upset thinking I couldn't get home. The police officers pointed out if I tried driving the car up to the barrier then it would open automatically. It did!

My mother once left the hob on low, didn't realise and put the plastic flour tub on top! Burnt plastic is hard to get off hob rings, burnt flour is harder!!

DH came home at tea time to find the gas hob was on (low light) under an empty frying pan. Was very cross that I'd left it on since lunch time. Didn't dare tell him it had been on since breakfast. How it didn't burn the house down I have no idea.

Decided whilst drunk on Vodka and OJs to give my eyelashes the most almighty curling ever in the loos of a club. I summoned all my grip on them and lost the balance in my propped up elbow on the sink and ripped them all out by the root.

Builder installing a fence outside my house asked if I could move my car forward about 3 meters. After I had been sitting in the car trying to turn the locked key and nothing happening for 5 mins he politely asks if I need a hand; he turns them gently and the car starts . Five minutes later he comes around again and finds me trying to move the locked steering, he touches it and it turns he asks if this is the car I normally use... "er yes".....

I once parked my motorbike in the street outside the office in central London. I then left the keys, complete with their large flourescent yellow keyfob (that I bought because "it's so bright there's no way I'll miss it"), sat on the seat all day. I was amazed that the bike was still there when I got back.

I am a rank amateur twat compared to my ex, though. She has left her door keys in the front door, lost her purse, set fire to her fringe while lighting a cigarette off the hob, left the hob on for hours, left hair-straighteners turned on... And she's done all those things not just once or twice but dozens of times.

Oh I forgot another recent one!

Having collected the keys to the holiday home we were staying in over the Summer, I pulled up outside the door only to find no sign of the keys. They weren't in my pockets, I was sure I'd thrown them on the dashboard, but there was no sign anywhere; not on the floor, under the chairs (cue very unladylike scrabbling about beneath them with my arse in the air), not anywhere.

So I drove back down the road to where we'd had to go through a gate thinking, "They must have fallen onto the road!"

But no... still no sign of them. After an hour of frantic searching I suddenly remember that I hadn't put them on the dashboard at all, I'd put them in front of all the dials above the steering column. So I checked, and... nope, not there either! But when I felt around the back I realised there was a gap behind the steering wheel, and there were the keys, happily nestled in all the wires inside the steering column itself

No one was having a brilliant start to the holiday at this point.

Another hour with various hand-made tools (bent coathanger) finally freed them.

So I'm a twat too.

When DS1 was an infant, I accidentally locked myself out of the house. I'd left the back door wide open (it was a lovely day) and was saying farewell to an old friend who'd dropped by, when a sudden breeze slammed the front door shut behind me. The only way to the back of the house was through a locked door in the next close - it was a tenement flat, and none of my neighbours was in, to unlock the door.

I'd only recently moved into the area and really didn't know anyone; I knew one of my living room sash windows wasn't locked, but I was too feeble small and burdened with a 7 month old to push it up.

Then, Glory be! A chap DH and I had chatted to in the pub was walking down the street! I called across to him (using the wrong name ) and asked him if he'd climb in through the window for me. He gave me a very strange look, but rather charmingly agreed.

I later discovered that he was a scion of the local crime lord family.

I have also left my house unlocked, the keys in my motorcycle - but it's DH who keeps forgetting to switch off the cooker.

I've been out and left the front door open.

Almost daily I go out and leave one of the back doors open.

We went shopping in the nearest town for a few hours and came back to car to find all doors locked but back one still wide open.

I frequently burn teatowels having left one of the hob rings on.

I burnt a chopping board the same way.

I left the back door wide open and went away for the weekend. When I was 16 in he family home. Mum was away. The video was pinched. We are lucky the whole house wasn't stripped! It was freezing when I got back.

Mum beat me this holiday however, by putting the electric kettle on the hob to boil.

I do hope the person we rented off doesn't read this....

I've left the front door open when I lived in a flat and recently I left the car door open all night/morning/afternoon. Only closed when a neighbour knocked on the door to check if I was okay .

• one halloween i opened door to yet another bunch of surly teenage trick or treaters - i had had enough of lanky teenage boys on the scrounge and was going to tell them exactly that - except they werent - they had knocked to tell me i had left my keys in the lock, on a very busy road.

im always doing it. im also always going to bed and leaving the doors unlocked.

even worse is suddenly remembering youve left your hair straighteners on - running back home to find that actually you havnt - youve gone into autopilot and turned them off - you just dont remember doing it!

the other day i went to work and couldnt find my sandwich. i remembered getting it out of the fridge.
my DH found it. in a cupboard. twat. yes.