Dear Husband (or Wife)... Just a quick note to let you know:

Dear DH,

Whilst I respect that you are a vegetarian, I really don't think that egg and chips every night constitutes a balanced diet, just try a lentil......

Yes, that's true, twofalls.

My husband is incapable of keeping anything to himself.

He is like Chandler; "I tell people things so they will like me!" Poor souls.

Quite wearing at times...

Dear MrMerryHenry

I strongly suspect that you are married to mrsbabookaloo, as surely no two men could have the same approach to dishcloth 'hygiene'. What's the penalty for bigamy these days? Can't be as fearsome as the wrath of a woman facing yet another mouldy dishcloth.

Yours suspiciously,

MMH

Dear DP,

I don't really think you are a rancid lump of rotting man-flesh.

I have a touch of pmt.

Love Alistair.

maybe nicky but thinking about it, not sure he could keep it to himself, what with all that expressing every thought

perhaps he has a twin......

Darling Husband

While you are clearly an upgrade on husband number 1, it does seem that you have some further development opportunities which I would like to bring to your attention.

(1) That space by the side of the sink where you dump cups and plates, has beneath it, a wonderful world of manly chrome and spinning arms. It is, my dear a dishwasher, it's amazing. You put the dirty crocks in it and they become clean. This of it like an engine for cups.

(2) It is extremely thoughtful of you to wash and dry the clothes. However might I suggest that it might reduce ironing time if when things are taken out the dryer they are gently draped or perchance slightly folded rather than crushed into the basket.

(3) For the love of all that is shiny, can I please point out that saying 'I'm really tired' and demonstrating this by falling asleep on the sofa, then staying up till 1am on the Internet is actually quite fecking irritating.

Thank you!

Dear DH

I love you very much and you are fantastic with the dcs/washing up/my hormones/my family. But I have waited almost 40 years to own a house of my our own and I would rather have empty windows until I'm 50 than hang the curtains that your mother made (for much smaller windows) some time in the late 50s and which you have carefully stored for 15 years along with 3 broken toasters, 2 defunct washing machines, the empty boxes from every other item you ever bought and your mother's war-time store of Sunlight Soap.

There is a reason ebay/freecycle/skips were invented and I believe these illustrate this perfectly.

Your loving wife WBP

Lol, twofalls.

Perhaps he is a bigamist?

Bumperlicioso, that is eerie....my DH does the same exact thing with the milk foil, but last time I brought it up he pointed to the sparkling clean kitchen with all washing up done, as if to say 'how can you complain?'.

Your DH's name doesn't start with J does it?

nickytwotimes, are you married to my DH?

Dear MsPan,

You too are perfect in just about every way. And your imperfections merely reveal your perfectness.

However.

when I cook dinner, can you please please please NOT find the slightest trifling excuse to go and "do" something just at that moment?? Feed the cat. Record something on SKY that isn't on until next week. Text a friend. Make a cup of tea. That sort of thing. This means the wonderfully prepared and sweated-over meals that I cook, which you tell me are excellent (and you know your food), goes cool and on ocassion cold.

I appreciate that this is a female trait, for some unfathomable reason. But I would like it if you would heed my squealing pleas and general rolling of eyes and be ready to dine?? You always get the two-three minute warning, but still a diversion appears. Do you think I am being petty and demanding??

Love and kisses.

Your Pan.

thank you.

I would like to start off with Yankncock's piece:

'Dear DH,

It would be really great if, nearly every time I ask you what you want to do/eat, you didn't say 'I dunno, what do you want to do/eat?'

I appreciate that you are so easy-going that you generally will go along with what I want. BUT, I will tell you what I want without any prompting (and I think you know this by now!). If I ask your opinion, it's because I want your opinion. When I want you to agree with me, you'll know about it! grin'

And add:

Darling, I really appreciate how good you are at house work, and yes you are the best washer upper in the world. However I would really appreciate it if when you take the foil lid off the milk you would put it in the bin instead of leaving it face down on the surface.

Thanks very much!

Snigger, I spat out my wine at the 'seriously' thing.

Dear DH,
I love you dearly and appreciate how hard you work so I don't have to can spend my time writing.
But please learn to cook. If I become an international bestseller and am on a world tour or ,more likely, am killed by a bear, you and DCs will not be able to live on toast.

Dear DH,

I am not going to take you seriously just because you tack "Seriously" on the end of your more provocative statements.

I don't know who it is phoning at this time either, why would I, we don't have caller display, stop asking me.

The silences in my phone conversations with mutual friends are not there for you to fill, I'm generally listening to them.

If I call you a tragic old gipper because of your taste in trousers, it can still generally be construed as affection .

Quattro - my DP says cushions are a sign of a girl who is nesting (for which read: preparing for babies). In that case what is your DH doing buying them?

Ooh, thanks for this opportunity, I was just thinking how much I wanted to say...

Dear DH,

You are practically perfect in every way, but I cannot understand how you got to your age without realising that dishcloths, flannels, sponges etc need to be rinsed and squeezed after you've used them. Leaving things in a dripping heap of dirty water is disgusting.

Thanks

Mrsb

P.S. - If you do ever get your enormous stage amplifier from your parents' shed, rest assured it will go straight past the house and into our shed. Your small guitar amplifier is loud and window-rattling enough.

Dear DH,

It would be really great if, nearly every time I ask you what you want to do/eat, you didn't say 'I dunno, what do you want to do/eat?'

I appreciate that you are so easy-going that you generally will go along with what I want. BUT, I will tell you what I want without any prompting (and I think you know this by now!). If I ask your opinion, it's because I want your opinion. When I want you to agree with me, you'll know about it!

My DH is like your DP Reality, so with that in mind:

Dear DH, I realise you are very busy most of the time but I would really appreciate it if you could find the time to clear the garage of all the junk bits and pieces you are storing for the day you are going to make a guinea pig run/set of shelves for the utility room/wine rack. It hasn't happened in 13 years, it's not going to is it?

also - reading what I'm typing over my shoulder whilst pretending to look for something on the shelves is quite annoying. I'm on to you.

The sock mountain should be in the washing basket, or even the washing machine, rather than on the floor by your computer.

I told you we did not need a toasted sandwich maker.

Those shorts with the cat sick on only got pissed on by the cats because for some reason you left them in the middle of the kitchen floor for 3 days, not because the cats hate you.

Oh yes. He has also bought many 'bargain' lamps. All hideous. I won't go into cushions, which have seriously made me wonder whether or not he is actually colour blind. Also desks and chairs. Bedside tables too. We have four beds in the house - two doubles and two singles. We have six bedside tables. This is a normal and adequate number of bedside tables. Only DH could come back from the shops with 4 excruciatingly ugly (but cheap) additions to our bedside table family. All of these have had to be recycled ...