Dear Husband (or Wife)... Just a quick note to let you know:

This has to go in MN classics - PMSL
(and recognise a scary amount of these...)

Dear Dh,
It is not acceptable to take children out of school on holiday during term time.

Pulling back curtains properly and plumping cushions is not really that hard.

You clean the toilet if you leave skids behind.

Snorting in the shower and leaving your nose contents behind is not acceptable.

You have a diary on your blackberry, kindly use it and stop using me as a secretary.

Do not leave your work id card, wallet and car keys on the hall console table, there is a drawer in it for you to use - do so.

Do not leave your laptop in the middle of the floor.

Kitchen surfaces need to be wiped behind the kettle and toaster too.

The sink needs a clean and anything not flushed away picked out of the plug every time you use it.

I am sure there are more..............

Wow - I thought it was just my DH who decided to take a shower/go to the bathroom/read an article etc either 5 mins before or just when dinner was ready, despite regular countdowns, allowing our dinner to get cold!!

Mrsbabookaloo - Glad Im not the only one!

Dear MrW,

Love you dearly but in seventeen years of marriage perhaps you would have learnt by now that:

1. I don't like kebab and asking me repeatedly to 'just try it' when you've come in a few sheets to the wind will not change my mind

1. Don't say you will be home no later than 11.30 when I know you'll be falling in about 3am...

1. When you fart in bed ? don't waft the covers about so we can 'share' it.

Yours, MrsW

HarleyQuinn: The SHOE RACK!! Yes!

Dear Darling MrWizz

You are lovely and gorgeous and I love you very much.

I never nag you because I have learned to live with your little foibles like how you never rinse the bath out and you always leave dribbles of wee on the floor, you never do any washing or clean the kitchen sink and you never change the bed sheets. But your cooking is delicious and you do do some tidying. But do not think you can nag at me because for ONE day, when you were working I hadn't loaded the dishwasher by the time you got home and hadn't tidied DS's toys away - because I decided that spending time getting a new mortgage that took ages was more important. You do not deserve a fuckin medal just because you sometimes manage to do this when you are at home and I am working. [still annoyed emoticon].

Dear Mr. Quinn,

You are simply wonderful, but please we have a shoe rack for a reason, I am getting fed up of tripping over your work shoes in our narrow hallway every morning.

Saying "Ive done the dishes" or " Ive hoovered" then staring at me expectantly, will not earn you a sticker nor does it mean that you do not need to do any other housework during the week.

Love,

Harley

xx

Dear Husband

Not talking for an entire day is going to make me inflict physical pain on you if you ever ever choose to do it again for absolutely no reason.

Do not ever whine about "never seeing the girls" and then refuse to even speak to them because you feel the need (not in a hungover way) to lie on the sofa and lapse in and out of conciousness. Lying there sleeping whilst they cover the floor in bits of "Puppy In My Pocket" is not "playing with them".

I am 8 weeks pregnant. I am tired and I feel nauseous. YOU DO NOT NEED TO COMPETE WITH ME ON THIS - trust me, you are NOT more tired than me. Going to bed at 10pm is not actually "wrong" and so I do NOT need humped at every time I do it.

You have 2.5 hours by yourself every sunday morning. If you "want to be quiet sometimes" that is the time to do it. Its a darn sight more time to yourself than I have had in the last 5.5 years.

Lying on your back snoring is not nice. Roll over for pity's sake.

PS It is generally obvious that, at 6pm, I am busy making the dinner. We generally eat at about 6.30pm. Do you think you could perhaps schedule a wee in at about oh 6.15-ish, rather than wait till I say the dinner's on the table then go to the toilet? Thanks!

Dear DP,

You are, I will admit, a star, however, there are a few areas that you could work on...

If things are on the stairs at the bottom they are to go up. If things are on the stairs at the top they are to go down. Doing your sherpa tensing impression and climbing over them does not make them go away.

When taking cups (numerous) from the office could you get them as far as the kitchen? (as far as I am aware we don't have a sink in our bedroom) and even better as far as the sink? I know its two extra paces but think of the exercise.

When I'm a hungover tired on a Saturday have the grace to take ds swimming without sulking. I NEVER make you go to Wacky Warehouse so you owe me this one.

I know I am breaking an illusion here, but there IS no laundry fairy.

Towels belong on the towel rail (novel I know)

Big hungs and kisses
Blackduck..

Dear H

Is it at all possible that you could manage to look after your two delightful children AND manage to wash up at the same time ? I know it is difficult to get anything done when they are in the same house but what on earth do you think I do all week ?

Do you know that the thing you leave your dirty closes beside / on actually has a lid that can be moved and the stinky clothes fit very nicely inside ?

Also a new wall in the garden that will take you months to make is not more important than redecorating our bedroom .

Thank you

Your lovely wife tw

Dear DH,

You are completely lovely, and there is no way that I could have considered DD2 without your fantastic help with DD1 and the house.

I am very reluctant to discourage you, therefore, from your wonderful cleaning and tidying efforts. But it would be great if you didn't suddenly decide to clean the kitchen floor when we are already late to visit friends and both DDs need a nappy change. Or when I have made a real effort with dinner, which is now getting cold.

Thank you very much for your attention in this matter,

Mrs TittleMouse

MrMerryHenry: Am wondering which is worse; you being a bigamist or this cloth thing being a General Trait....

WMMC:how I hear you about falling asleep on sofa at 8:30 and then staying up stupidly late...FGS, come to bed earlier, mrbabookaloo!

Dear Belgarath (DH)

While you are undoubtedly a wonderful husband and father, I wonder if you could please stop leaving the lid to the toothpaste carefully balanced on the hot tap every morning? Taking clean dishes out of the dishwasher and leaving them on the worktop above (or below) the cupboard in which they belong is, technically, emptying the dishwasher but doesn't really fulfil the spirit of the task, now does it? And telling me that you didn't hear the DCs crying through the night is entirely superfluous, as I already know I had to get up every time.

Finally, can I please get someone in to decorate DD1's bedroom? I know you could do it yourself but you work very hard at your job and consequently, we have the money to pay someone else to do it for us. Please.

Love
Poledra

Dear Brad

I love you dearly but really, do you need a garage, a shed AND a workshop so crammed full of crap that you can't find a screwdriver when you need one?

And although I do love the fact that you do all the laundry, if you folded it when you got it off the line, it wouldn't need to be ironed. (Ironing is not part of the laundry process apparently!)

And finally, he's 4 - he does NOT understand the concept of sitting through "how it's made" on the discovery/science/whatever chanel without speaking!

Love you loads.

Missus!x

Dearest Dh,

Whilst you are, always have been and always will be the love of my life will you please stop sitting on the bed at 5.15am to put your socks on!

I don't, at the moment, have to be up at this ungodly hour and the bouncing/grunting/sighing is doing my head in.

Oh and for gods sake no-one needs to put lypsyl on every single time they leave the house.

Oh and please leave the downstairs loo door open when you go out to work, I can't breathe when I come down at 7am and open the door

love
Flower xxx

Dear mr southern fairy (dh)

I love you very much and you are a wonderful dh but i would like you to finish a diy job once started. i know i joked last january, that is 2008, that the dc's bedrooms will be finished by christmas 2009, i did not mean this literally. Also after gutting the bathroom this january i hope that you are not taking the same time scale.
In order to help you with your diy jobs, yes i have enrolled on a womens only diy course (which means we cant do this together) which does not mean you have to start all other jobs for me to finish.
If you would like to help then maybe you could take a few cookery lessons and learn to cook other things than just beans on toast as this is fine as a one off but not every night whilst i'm away
Love you very much
Your northernmonkey

Dear Mr Womble

Its lovely that you do washing (even if we have different ways of sorting the clothes), bake bread load the dishwasher etc.

But why do you never wipe the kitchen surfaces?

And why do you always fill the kitchen bin to overflowing and not empty it?

Why do you never hear your alarm clock at 5:50am every day?

Why do you have boxes of books under the bed that you will never read but can't part with?

Other than that you are a lovely womble

Dear DH

I just want to know - since you don't eat any fruit and begudgingly eat one bit of carrot per week - why you need to spend an hour a day shitting in the loo? Are you a secret All Bran fan?

That would be my DH's exact reaction YanknCock! No his name doesn't begin with J, but if it wasn't for the fact that I think he can barely cope with one wife I might be worried that he was leading another life

Dearest Mrtwoluvlykids,

You have been a fab dh and Dad while I've been moaning about my bad back, and the trek to and from Tesco is done without complaint.

However, scraping the dog fur off the carpet with the edge of your trainer does not have the desired effect if it's left in a fluffy pile for everyone to re-tread back into the carpet.

The hoover lives in the cupboard, and, much like the dog, it does not bite......