To The People Who Owned My House Before Me I Would Just Like To Ask

Why did you paper the main bedroom in white vinyl wallpaper with red and green diagonal stripes and the occasional red or green apple shape?

Why did you not tell us that the bathroom plaster was in pieces, so when we took the bathroom wallpaper off, half the wall came off too?

Why the woodchip on the living room ceiling, which took a solid week to steam off?

Did you not realise that an implement called the spirit level had been invented, to help you put up things like curtain poles straight?

Oh, and thanks for hiding a huge bright pink nail varnish stain under the sofa in the living room when we came to view the house. It was a lovely surprise when we came to move in

And!!!!!! WTF does that light switch do???? I've been here 9 years and I still can't figure it out!!!!!

Why oh why did you leave silver builders safety hat and very large pair of blue pants in a box in the loft??? I mean seriously - what kind of weird fetish do you have??

Why was every single room painted bright yellow? took ages to repaint!!!

Why was the 2nd bedroom door/skirting boards/window sill painted in dark blue gloss?

Why is there a light with no light switch?!

Why were bits of carpet missing downstairs? Although now have laminate, much nicer.

Why is there a picture of a big pig in a bathtub on our bathroom tiles? looks ridiculous!

oh yes - and previous tenants/owners of this house - why are there no less than 6 (that I've counted so far?) phone sockets in the house. Well there are now 7 because I had Virgin installed and all of the others were either old and defunct or BT

Oh and why was the main BT phone thingy in the master bedroom? Was that so you'd have privacy on the internet in front of your porn mirror?

Really got to get rid of that mirror.

This is going to end up as a Grauniad article.

why did you only have one real plug socket in the living room all the rest we're from various multi-plug running from it?

Why did you just tile over the tiles in the bathroom, once i could possibly understand but 3 layers of tiles?

Why was there only 1 wire coming from the fusebox? the whole house's electric all running from ONE fuse

Why put built in wardrobe in the master bedroom that only a child's clothes could be hung up in?

Why did you not invest in a wallpaper stripper? every room had at least 3 layers of wallpaper if not more

What were you thinking with the living room and stairs carpets?

oh god I've just thought of another one from YEARS ago when I was a kid

Why did you paint the kitchen BRIGHT red, with bright yellow ceiling?

And why did you paint the smallest bedroom in green and blue - again very bright. But oh no this wasn't just green and blue. Everything was painted, the door, the door frame, the window sill, the skirting boards, even the frigging light switch, and no you couldn't just do "top half" (including ceiling) blue, and bottom half green, oh no that wasn't enough for you was it? Instead you had to paint little "childlike" trees and shrubs jutting into the blue all away round the room.

And I had to sleep in that room like that for 4yrs - my poor parents couldn't afford to redecorate the entire house to rid it of your hideous decorating. And my room, being the youngest child, came last - so never got done.

Hysterical.

I hope you have learned how to fix things without resorting to using "no more nails" sticky stuff to fix EVERYTHING, I'm pretty sure even the manufacturers would be surprised at some idiot using it to stick up hinges.

And why did you decide it was a good idea to run all the plumbing from the new extension at the back of the house UPHILL under the rest of the house rather than simply running it out of the back? Gravity works wonders with helping skanky water run into the drain rather than sitting in a pipe under the living room....

where do i start?

did you know that your children wrote apologies to you in various places over the house ( on the walls!)

did you not believe in underlay?

when you said you had not had the gas fire serviced - why not just say 'It doesn't work'

did your children never moan that the top floor where they all slept was ARCTIC whilst your floor was toasty warm?

how many lost balls can a family have - i swear we must have found 20 in the garden!

Is anyone else thinking already that this should go into Classics ?

no just meant I had even more trouble reaching the top shelf of my kitchen cupboards

why did you leave your stash of porn mags behind the pipework in my bathroom?

yuk

hassled I think you may have bought my house ...

Aerial sockets predated me, so can't explain, but witch next door ... well, wouldn't you have said the same?!

Why did you paint an 8 foot high union jack on the small bedroom wall?

Why did you paint an outer space scene on another bedroom wall, complete with aliens, a 10ft sun, black walls and stars?

Why paint the uPVC window frames in navy blue gloss?

Why knock a wall down between the kitchen and dining room and then suspend cupboards from the beam to recreate two rooms?

Why did you take the roof of the large concrete shed in the garden and just leave 4 walls? Would it not have been easier to knock the whole thing down?

Did you not notice that the electrics were 50 years old and the walls were live?

Why did you never hoover despite having 2 large dogs?

Why the woodchip paper in the kitchen?

Why tongue & groove all the way up the stairs and on the ceiling of the upstairs landing?

But thank you for not looking in your attic for a long time - the very old Silvercross pram I found only needed a bit of elbow grease and it came up perfect!

I would like to know why we have several light switches which do not appear to do anything.

Also - the "stippled" effect coving and ceiling rose in pink and green and the four different wallpapers in the bedroom. Why, for the love of god, WHY?

at least you had a bigger kitchen once the floor came up FAQ! haha
and I did actually laugh out loud at the wallpaper door, that's a classic

Why did you paint the bedroom bright orange?

And why then paint the bedroom ceiling bright orange too?

Why the giant porn mirror in the main bedroom? [boak]

Why the purple swirly carpet in the hall?

Why the purple wallpaper in the hall?

Why the dangerous artex in the living room?

Why is every ceiling wallpapered (badly)?

Why is there only skirting on a few of the walls but not an entire room?

WHY OF FUCKING WHY did you tile the farking worktop in the kitchen. TILES, FOR A WORK SURFACE???

Why did you not leave room for a fridge when you put your kitchen in?

Why was the wallpaper ripped on every wall in every room.

And why the fuck did you take all the bloody lightbulbs when you left. Bastards.

"Did you lot not see your houses before you moved in? "

Well yes we did - but the kitchen flooring - well we could see one (reasonably) nice vinyl on the floor - we didn't know there were another 4 underneath it

The bathroom wall and panelling - all freshly painted, no evidence of damp - and wasn't picked up in the survey either (very very clever, put your house on the market at the end of a very hot, very dry summer where the walls have had a chance to dry out considerably )

The rented house cupboard under the stairs - well it just looked like a wall to me until DS3 managed to get hold of the "wall" and open it revealing extra storage for me

Thank you very much for cleaning the house exquisitely from top to toe.

I must admit that upon moving out I ripped out the ornate plasterwork you had installed all over the house at great expense. I also filled in all eight niches. What did you put in the niches by the way? What were they for?

The six dustbin liners full of porn in the loft were a bit of a surprise to the plumber, who has never looked us in the eye since.

But the biggest surprise to us was the arrival of the bailiffs. I do understand now why you didn't leave a forwarding address.

OK to be fair i don't own mine i was rather desoerate when i rented it but still....

The family who are comlete nutter by the way now live in the falt below me, the lady cam up and said,

'have you discovered the foam on the bedroom walls yet?'

'Yes'

'We put it up, the walls were litterally running with water so we thought it would soak it up so we could wallpapr over the top'

me - Yeah thanks for that.............