To The People Who Owned My House Before Me I Would Just Like To Ask

Didn't you miss the complete set of false teeth jammed behind the bedroom radiator?
And did you know (no you couldn't have done) what your teenage son kept under his bedroom carpet?

You never came back for the rats, by the way.
But (good news) we managed to get that large plastic horse out of the sewage pipe. Eventually.

Why did you use towel rails as curtain poles? Actually, I suspect it was because they are cheaper but we can't take down the bloody curtains! And they look shit!

Why didn't you tell us that there was a tupperware box under the bath to catch the drips? We only found out when it overflowed.

Still chortling at Head Fairy's kitchen. Did you invite people in to play party games? I would've

I know your great great great great great, fifteen times removed second cousin was Irish, so you like to pretend you are from the emerald isle, but did that really mean you need to paint every room green and orange!!

Why why why when you made a bit of a mistake on cutting the skirting board on the stairs and go a bit too far, not just start afresh rather than leave the one with an extra saw channel in it. Oh and that goes for the door frames too!

Why the shag pile and wood panelling in the utility room? the shag pile was lovely and mouldy underneath when we removed it.

And to the people who owned the flat before our current house before us. Why did you never clean, did you not realise you were infested with larder beetles. Makes me shudder even now 10 years later!!!

Where did you get the special kitchen units that all have big holes in their backs, meaning all pots/pans etc keep falling out?

Why did you knock the kitchen and dining room into one room and not level the floors properly, thereby causing a slope halfway along the floor?

Why did you not bother plastering behind your huge American-style fridge, leaving bare bricks?

Why didn't you fill in the holes in the brickwork so that mice couldn't get in? (and be cruelly murdered by two mouse-loving cats)

And wtf was the deal with the water(less) feature?!?

why did you glue the anaglypta wall paper to the stairwell and up the wall to the top floor of the house? it was a bastard to get off

To the owners of a house we didn't buy

Why did your doorbell play "Land of Hope and Glory"? I nearly had to hide down the side alley when I heard it because I was crying with laughter.

Why were there so many electrical sockets? Including ones in the wardrobes and kitchen cupboards?

Why did you proudly tell us you'd installed the kitchen yourself and it was held up by very large nails?

to the op -

Why did you buy the house

Why did you lay seagrass matting throughout the flat, including the bathroom, which when wet turned in to soggy straw and rotted?

Why did you apparently superglue this matting to the lovely original Victorian floorboards underneath and therefore destroy said lovely original Victorian floorboards?

Why did you strip out every tiny original feature, including (according to the freeholder) all the ceiling roses, internal doors (replaced with hideous cheap B&Q monstrosities), original Victorian molding and two beautiful fireplaces?

Why did you fit a kitchen so badly it sloped to one wall so that nothing round (eggs, potatoes, carrots) could be placed on the worktops without rolling gently to the other end of the kitchen?

Why did you remove all the original sash windows and replace them with terrible windows of such poor quality they rotted within ten years of fitting and had to be replaced at great expense by me?

Why when you fitted the (cheap and inefficient) boiler did you allow the fitter to use pipes so narrow the gas couldn't actually make it from the meter to boiler two floors up thus rendering said boiler useless?

You didn't even have the excuse of the 1970s to blame, you converted that flat in the early 90s you fool!

-Why did you give us the ends of rolls of wallpaper from when you last decorated in the 1960's? Did you really think we might want to just re-touch the faded bits (rather than knock walls out, take off the old crumbling plaster etc which is what we did)?

-Were you a big fan of jigsaw puzzles? Its just that that may explain why the carpet in at least 3 rooms was made up of loads of different sized pieces all carefull put together to cover the room

-What made you think that yellow gloss on the walls was a good choice of decor for the bathroom?

Why did you put wallpaper on sideways?

Why did you leave the fridge and freezer full of food and what were you going to do with the bacon that was a month past its sell by date?

Why did you have tiny bits of carpet all over the house? Where did they come from and what were they for?

What was the urine stain on the dining room floor from?

Why were the cupboards in the kitchen nailed shut?

Why did one room have no sockets at all?

I could think of more.

House 1: Why did you carpet over the tiles in the kitchen - was it to hide the rabbit dropping we had to scrape up?

Why could you not sweep out the wardrobes of all your matted hair and empty tampax boxes and wrappers?

House 2: Why as a bloke are you so special and clean? i thank you for leaving our house like a shiney clean penny but please as a new build why pick a whisper peach bathroom suite? it is the bain of my life!

i feel I should maybe defend (slgihtly) some of these poor previous owners.

the "pretend" double glazing is called secondary double glazing. yes, it is basically another single glazed window placed behind the original. my parents had this in their house, provided by the council to try and cut out noise when they wideened a road behind the house.

newspaper as underlay, again, my parents had this because we were frigging poor and they couldn't afford underlay, let alone new carpet. my bedroom carpet came from the pub my nana worked in when they chucked it out
it's better than nothing!

and as for the corpse... well what would YOU do with someone you just killed? it's standrard practice to bury it somewhere surely? lol :P

Why did you allow so many people who never lived here that they could use your address? (Yes, we know they're friends of yours.) We are constantly sending bailiffs away.

Did you know you'd left all your dried flower arrangements/wall decorations behind? There was quite a lot, your new house must look very empty. And you left the concrete hedgehog (complete with Nike hat) in the garden.

How long did it take you choose the pearlised wallpaper for the living room?

I wonder what the people who have my house next will say about me?

Linnet - lining paper if the walls aren't up to being painted

dh assures me there is no body in our freezer ..... Now you're making me less keen to redo our wild bit fo garden - the resident foxes are bad enough .

Oooh, at least all we found was the old mattress buried in our garden.

Oh, and dh has just reminded me that he dug up 2 bikes as well. I forgot about those!

girlandboy - It was quite old, they closed the case quietly. New neighbours found it when redoing their overgrown garden. Lots of police!

Why did you remove all the walls around your bedroom, so that the stairs opened straight into a cold, draughty room with your bed in the middle and tie-me-down hooks on either side?

And with the main bathroom downstairs, and as a single man who had his young son for the occasional overnight, why did you decide that the small cupboard upstairs would be most useful as a shower? (but then use it as a loo...)

why did you put a chest freezer in a shed halfway down the garden, then build the shed around it so it can't easily be removed as it is too big to pass through the door !

Why didn't you point out to us that actually the indoor bbq gadget on the hob wasn't really practical because the industrial strength extractor fan didn't work properly.

oh dear poor deceased previous owners.....

why did you paint your bathroom canary yellow and fit it with a canary yellow bath, toilet and sink to match? didn't you know we can't afford a new bathroom so we're stuck with it?

why didn't you teach your grown up children to clear the house out properly after you'd gone? instead they left us a shed full of useless bits of wood, a loft full of useless bits of old carpet and wallpaper and a house full of furntiture we didn't want and a garage full of half empty paint tins (in aforementioned canary yellow)?

and finally why were you so friendly with yuor enighbours because now they feel the need to be just as friendly with us and tbh they annoy the tits off me?

, ah that feels better