Seriously. Why? Why would I do that?

oo, I'm a finger fidget too - was once waiting for a friend outside one of those mall cafes, you know, with thin wooden waist-height 'walls' decorated with fake foliage. I was absent mindedly dithering with the plants, and suddenly realized the plant felt quite soft, and that actually, I was caressing the dignified perm of an old lady sitting on the other side of the wooden wall.

ROFL @ 'coffee-farting lady'

Howdoo That is awful!!

I have an interview howler as well. Seeker, hope you're not reading.

I once said in an interview that my interests were 'astrology and the supernatural'. I was only joking too. My friends had all laughed when I cracked that joke earlier, I tried it at the interview. Zip. Nada. Blank stoney starey faces.

KayHarkersHeart! ha ha, I'd love if you came to my mums and tots group. It's all breastfeeding chit chat there. Give me a good farting story over a breastfeeding story!

Once I had to pour coffee for a woman at a meeting and there were only two of us. There were four cups and I poured coffee into all of them. I noticed she was laughing, but not openly looking at me, sniggering covertly. Then I was so embarrassed. I started bumbling and flustering and trying to come up with a reasonable explanation of why I'd poured four cups of coffee for two people.

While visiting a local mums and tots, I was pretty nervous - two youngsters, new area. No-one spoke to me, naturally, and then, when they served tea and coffee, I went cheerfully up to the hatch and the words 'Tea please, coffee is making me fart at the moment' fell out of my mouth.

I didn't go back the following week to find out if I had made my mark as the 'coffee-farting lady'.

howdoo that is hilarious.

I did the same as kitbit, said "love ya" in a really cheery voice to a client at work as I was putting the phone down. Phoned her back to say "did I really just do that?" to the background noise of all of her colleagues wetting their knickers with laughter ....

howdoo and kitbit, you are making me do happy pig noises.

I said "love you, bye" to my boss once when phoning in sick. I cited my snot and fever as a reason for the aberration but apparently he told everyone in the office ... (in a nice way though, they were a lovely friendly bunch!)

I once kissed one of the senior managers at my firm.
I was sitting at my desk and he leaned across it, and I kissed his cheek without even thinking about it.
It was only afterwards I realised he was reaching for my phone...

my sides ACHE

Just remembered, I once ended an answerphone message by saying 'love from TigersChick' as if I was dictating a letter
I hate answerphones!

I once forgot my locker combination at the gym.It was the last 4 digits of my phone number but my mind had gone completely blank. A burly man had to cut the lock off with enormous pliers. Duh!

One hungover Sunday pre DC I was lounging on sofa waiting for DSIS to turn up with new boyfriend. In my head I was mentally preparing myself for the introduction, you know:

"Hi I'm NSRR/Hello I'm NSRR/Wotcha I'm NSRR..."

They arrived. I leapt off sofa and said:

" Hi, I'm "

What a twat.

Fortunately she dumped him fairly soon after. Still amuses my friends though. They know I am a social incompetent.

Talking of job interview witterage, I once started prattling inanely in a job interview about cheese.

We were talking about marketing and I started off with a perfectly sensible comment (designed to show that I had done my homework) about the firm having professional/personal profiles for all lawyers on the website - human touch etc. I turned to one of the partners interviewing me and gaily chirped "oh yes, you're the one who likes cheese aren't you? What kind of cheese do you like best?"

I couldn't stop. It was like that Alan Partridge episode when he's begging his producer for a second series - "eat the cheese!"

To his credit he answered and made a few humourous remarks before steering conversation back sharply to whether I would be actually any good at the job. Amazingly they decided I would be.

BatmansWilly - I am PMSL

Pagwatch - I am always forgetting things when I'm nervous! The funniest one I can remember tho wasn't me ... when I was leaving a job a few years ago I was given the obligatory card and one of the other members of staff had signed the card using someone else's name! She wasn't even nervous or hurried when she did it - at least you had an excuse

Oh pagwatch - if I'd met you at the party, I would have totally hearted you.

WOW....i have tears of laughter streaming down my cheeks.

just the kind of thing i do!

thanks everyone on here for making my day!

Your friend is mean Rhubarb, why didn't anyone hold the door shut for him?

My friend was on a very busy commuter train going into Manchester once. He had to stand where the toilets were along with around 10 other people. My friend noticed that everytime the train turned on the tracks, the toilet door slid open.

A smart, suited businessman squeezed past them all and went into the toilet. My friend knew about the door and expected someone to say something to him, but no-one did, probably because they were all thinking the same thing.

Sure enough, as the train rounded a slight bend, the door slid open to reveal the man with his pants down doing a crap on the toilet. From then on it was a fight between the sliding door and the man who couldn't quite reach the door whilst trying to wipe his arse and pull up his grots.

All whilst 10 people watched.

My friend said it was the best entertainment he'd had in a long time!

I am an idiot most of the time.

Had a job interview a couple of weeks ago, they asked me a question, started answering it, went off on a tangent of byzantine complexity and started wittering on aimlessly. I was like a runaway train. I brought myself to a halt by saying 'oh I have forgotten entirely what question you asked' and went off into peals of laughter, saying 'I will remember what it was in a minute' (SHUT THE F UP GETORFMOILAND), 'oh yes now I remember'. I was so embarassed but I could not shut up.

Much to my amazement I got the job. They must like loons.