Seriously. Why? Why would I do that?

Back in the days before DS, I had to meet my boss 8pm on Sunday night, to catch a train for a conference the next day. I'd been up late on Saturday night, and went to bed about 4am really drunk but still worried about sleeping through and missing the meet, set my alarm for midday.

Woke up in a panic about half six, the alarm hasn't gone off, still feeling very drunk, but just enough time to jump into my work clothes, pack manically and rush into a cab to make the train for 8. I tell the cab driver I'm in a hurry and I text my boss on the way to check she was still OK to meet. She texts back and asked if I was going to wear my work clothes or casual for the Sunday evening, I text "I'm in my work clothes now". She texts WTF? ...

and the penny drops ... I've got up at half six in the morning, not the evening. I've only had 3 hours sleep, no wonder I still feel drunk! and I've totally dropped myself in it with my boss

The cab continues hurtling along for a few minutes before I can bring myself to say umm I'd like to go back to where we started now .

Special 'this thread is now in Classics' bump!

Our work here is done

Superb, Shandyleer

We had 3 builders putting a new window in our bedroom. One afternoon I came back from the school run just in time to see them driving off in their van and waving to me, so waved back and thought nothing more of it. Until about 10 minutes later
when I was in kitchen and all 3 of them appeared. It occurred to me that wherever they had been they hadn't taken long, and said so. Turns out they hadn't been anywhere - their van had in fact been nicked and I had politely waved goodbye to it and the people nicking it.

lol...

Was bad enough that I was 16 and rather gorgrous and sex-kittenish in those days. And everyone assumed my Father was my lovverrrr/sugar daddy! They tried to give us a double bed in the hotel. I spent the entire weekend squirming with humiliation, what with ribald comments from taxi drivers and waiters and hotel staff (which I understood but he was oblivious to) and his terrible french....

mollyroger, that reminds me of my dh - when in France someone asked him if he spoke French, he did actually respond "un petit pois"

(a pea!).

In Paris with my Father. He refused to let me use my superior french, being of that generation where, as a man, he felt he ought to do the ordering etc....

Had to piss mydelf laughing when trying to ask for the bill, he repeatedly asked the waiter for le billet doux.

This means love-letter....

This is the funniest thread in ages..

Years ago when I was in a new job with a new work colleague, said colleague pointed out across the busy canteen- her partner who worked in same building as us-different floor etc etc.

seeing a much older, quite unattractive man (in my opinion) with little dress sense I snorted and said 'oh yeah right, ha ha'.

Guess who WAS right.. and who had to make out I thought she meant the person stood next to him.....?

OTP - you should have said 'Oh yes, I know what he does on Sundays. But doesn't he have a proper job as well.'

Many years ago, the new neighbourhood vicar + his wife moved into our road. We hadn't lived there ourselves all that long, + were invited to the couple's house opposite, who invited all the neighbours plus the new vicar + wife.

We all spent the morning there having coffee/wine + chatting, spoke to most people over the course of the morning inc. the vicar. I must have gone into auto pilot with small talk, found myself sitting next to the vicar's wife + asked what her husband did for a living!!

Our neighbour had introduced us all to both of them as they came in, (I momentarily misplaced who she was!)

She just said quietly, "Ahem, he's a vicar"! Other people nearby heard us + looked at me shocked!

Was quite relieved when they moved, (not because I didn't like them, but I couldn't forget my "stupid moment", could blame the wine I suppose, not used to drinking in the day!!)

I was going to a friends new flat for dinner. I buzzed the buzzer, she let me in. I then knocked on the flat door. A chap answered who I assumed must be her new housemate. I said Im here to have dinner with X, do come in he said.

I sat down made myself at home. He went into his bedroom and pottered about. I sat there for about 10 minutes before my phone rang, its my friend asking where I am. I am in the flat next door. To compound it in my flustered state I left my handbag in the wrong flat and had to go back and get it. Oh the embarrassment and it was pre children so didnt even have pregnancy brain excuse!

ROFL at this thread.

Especially like notsoclever's 'noises like he was coming' and not realising that DD wasn't in the trolley

Roffle @ Kitstwins. I meant my real husband!

We had our new neighbours over for a drink and they brought their rather large dog.

The dog tried to snaffle some of the cheese and our neighbour said, "He has a very fast tongue"

Her DH looked a bit smug

Oooh, Just remembered another one from my (now) very much loved MIL...

First time we met, I had just become engaged to her darling son so she and FIL came to mine for coffee. We had just finished looking at photo's etc, as you do, I knelt down to pick them up from the carpet where she was sitting, she stood up to help...bent over and FARTED in my face! Elderly ladies apparently have this control issue.

The incident has never been mentioned since - thank god it's not social custom to ask "So how did you and MIL meet?"

Guys will you stop posting these hilarious stories. DH is going to find out that I am not writing my essay. And I will be in trouble.

Once on a train DS needed the toilet so we headed up to the bit in between carriages where the loos are. There was no room for me to go in with DD in tow too so I told him to go by himself but not to lock the door. I was distracted by DD trying to open the window on the train door and when I turned back saw the door was locked.

I banged on the door 'Why is this door locked, open it now' panicking he might get stuck in there only to hear from behind me 'it is open mummy' and turned around to see DS kecks around ankles in the other loo. We scarpered before the other person emerged.

I went to a shop with my friends and the shop assistant was a bit over keen in trying to help us at first. Anyway I find a pair of trousers that I want to try on and say to the assistant "Can I try these on please?" and he doesn't respond initially, he is looking away so I say a bit louder and in a sarky voice "hellooooo I said can I try these please?" and wave the trousers in his face. He said "I heard you the first time and yes you can" and it's only then that I notice that he's got one wonky eye that made it look like he was looking away and ignoring me and i've just waved a pair of trousers in his face...I just stood in the changing rooms for ages going whilst my friends wet themselves laughing. I ended up buying them because I was so mortified.

In Paris on honeymoon, we were sitting in a chic little outdoor cafe, trying to blend in The snotty waiter arrives "Bonjour"
"Au revoir" cheerfully shouts DH.

In hospital with pregnancy sickness, I was on a side ward. One morning a man comes in "Good morning, how are you today"

"Alright" says I pushing down the covers and hoisting up my nightie.

He was an electrician not my consultant.

Have just been reminded of a friend's public humiliation. She was out shopping for a sports bag with her mother (can you guess what's coming?), so her DM picks up a bag and calls over the display 'Friend, does DH like Head?'.

ROFLed when she told me

At school we were discussing our future careers. I was debating whether or not to go into nursing or go to university to study law.

I announced quite loudly that "I can't make up my mind between Nursing or Soliciting"

Couldn't understand why everyone in the vicinity found it amusing

Beautiful - your first story is absolutely brilliant. There are tears on the document I am reading, I have been laughing so hard.

The only time I can recall: My mum has big double glass doors at the end of her living room, which look out onto the garden. One Sunday morning, she was standing looking into the garden, and out of the blue said, 'Look at the state of my bush'. Cue complete hysteria from mum and I, while dad shuffled awkwardly in his chair and tried to ignore us. His reaction just made us laugh even harder.

So, so many. Mostly since I've had my children so hopefully I can blame my shredded brain on them.

Embarassment # 1:
Around 20 weeks pregnant with my twins (so looking pretty whopping/full term). Charming client/big wig extraordinaire comes into my office to meet my boss and I'm included in the introductions. Stick my hand out cheerfully and say "How do you do. I'm.......I've no idea...I appear to have forgotten who I am...". Big wig looks baffled at amnesiac in straining purple dress, boss looks incredulous but starts laughing whilst I struggle to remember my name. Eventually boss stops laughing and gently reminds me "you're Kitstwins".

Embarassment # 2:
In Shanghai Tang concession at HK airport and turn to my husband holding up ruinously expensive cashmere jumper. "This would match your gorgeous eyes" I trill sexily at him, only to realise IT WASN'T MY HUSBAND. Cue hysterical laughter (madwoman alert) as I bellow "Not YOU! Not YOU! I meant my real husband (?). I'm not married to you....". Man is scarlet red with astonishment and clearly thinks I'm some deranged hooker trying to pick him up in an airport shop. Husband looking on with sneaky grin as has seen disaster unfolding. I still get red thinking about it.

Embarassment # 3 - ONLY THIS AFTERNOON!
Colleague going off on maternity leave. Am being introduced to her replacement so do the whole handshake, welcome blurb (manage to remember my name). We waffle politely about babies and maternity leave and colleague says "Oh Kitstwins has twins", presumably to explain mad-eyed look of exhaustion. Replacement politely enquires "Oh, boy/girl?" to which I reply "Yes" only to recall that in fact I have two daughters. "No, no" I correct. "Two girls in fact", looking barking mad. Jesus!!!!!