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Was anyone else at Snape Maltings today? Did Alan get his table?

538 replies

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 22:31

Before I start I know it’s none of my business and I’m a bad person I’m sure but…

I was at Snape Maltings today which is a nice arts centre with a lovely shop selling all sorts of home wares and furniture. It’s very quiet and sedate.
Anyway, a woman started yelling at her husband. The whole place was pretending not to listen while giving each other looks. Turned out that he had ordered a perfectly innocent side table without talking to her about it first. She demanded that he cancel the order and he refused. He sat down on a sofa in the shop and she went and sat in the car. Every so often she’d come back and stick her head around the door, tell him the table was disgusting, and stomp back out.

When we left, Alan was still sat on the sofa. But I want to know how it ended. Are they still there now? Did Alan cancel the order?

Were any of you there?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
19
UniqueStork · 31/08/2025 05:23

That table would look great in the corner of my garden covered in pot plants and surrounded by plants at the bottom. But I'm not paying that for something that's going to get the weather thrown at it outdoors.

Maybe Alan is like my DH and doesn't have great taste for decor or what goes together? I think my DH would know better than to buy furniture without consulting me. I am sure I consult him about such purchases too for his opinion, though it is normally my decision as I'm better at aesthetics and he doesn't really care.

Team Alan's Wife here.

SpidersAreShitheads · 31/08/2025 05:19

I love that table!

I’m always weirdly shocked to discover that other people don’t like the same things that I do 😂😂

Me and Alan have great taste, clearly.

piscofrisco · 31/08/2025 04:45

FortuneFaded · 31/08/2025 02:04

A Table at Snape Maltings
(A Domestic Ode in Minor Key)
In Snape Maltings, under skies so wide,
Where reeds bow low and herons glide,
Alan strode proud through arts and oak,
A man enchanted, conscience woke.
He saw it there - a table, stout,
Of seasoned ash with iron grout.
It whispered tales of form and grace,
A centerpiece! A rightful place.
The cashier grinned, the deal was done,
No calls were made, no battles won.
He pictured wine, and a cuppa brewed -
The life that perfect purchases mused.
But in the shop, she stood quite still,
Her eyes as sharp as Orford chill.
"Explain this plank," she said, arms crossed,
"And count, dear Alan, what you've lost."
"You bought this thing - alone? No chat?
No sample wood? No schemes to bat?"
She circled it with studied glare,
"The grain's too bold. The leg? Despair!"
"But look," he pled, "the joints, the line!
It called to me - it felt divine!"
"It called to you," she fired back,
"While we are paying off the flat?"
The standoff bloomed by Alde's wide stream,
Where love once hummed like some shared dream.
Now boats went by and tourists slowed,
To watch a marriage near explode.
In this tale of table strife,
Are you #TeamAlan or #TeamWife?

Edited

You win the thread and indeed the entire day with this ode to Alan

SiameseBlueEyes · 31/08/2025 04:29

I'd yell at my husband too if he secretly and unilaterally ordered that table.

whoboo · 31/08/2025 03:48

Never go off piste side table wise. I hope Alan will be happy in his bachelor flat, at least he will have somewhere to put his drink.

thebabayaga · 31/08/2025 03:40

TheSlantedOwl · 30/08/2025 22:43

Alan may seem like the injured party here but maybe he’s always making ‘executive decisions’ without her input and she just snapped!

More Alan info please, world

Right. This makes me think of the red toaster incident. My fil, many years ago started saying he wanted to buy us a toaster as a gift for staying with him. I didn't want a toaster and he'd never bought us a gift before for coming to stay (I didn't expect or need one I was happy to host him a couple of times a year) and I clearly and politely told him so, I told him I was happy with the toaster we had.

The problem was, it was a two slice toaster and HE wanted a four slice toaster.
He didn't say that though, until after he went ahead and bought me a toaster I hated.

He only came to stay for a week at a time a couple of times a year (his wife had died but he was an active man with lots going on and we loved having him to visit when he could). But still I would have bought him a four slice toaster if he'd told me that was the issue.

But the problem was, my whole kitchen at that time was in grey and black marble and chrome/stainless steel, it all matched and I really liked that kitchen.

The next day, after I had said quite a few times in conversation that I really really did not want or need a new toaster, thanks, he comes home from an outing with my ex husband and proudly displays a bright red ugly four slice toaster, (probably quite expensive as toasters go, a good make) proclaiming it as a gift for us to say thanks for staying. A gift I didn't want, had told him I didn't want and that looked like shit in my kitchen.

I was so upset. It was not about the toaster, it was about being ignored AGAIN, my feelings not mattering AGAIN even in the kitchen which was my domain (my ex husband would have been lucky to find it with a map) I couldn't get what I wanted. For years I had felt as though my husband didn't give a shit what made me happy or really care what I wanted, and now his dad was doing the same thing, and my husband went with him and let him pick the thing without a word even though he'd heard me saying I didn't want it.

I opened the box, looked at the toaster, and just went and sat in the bedroom for half an hour. I just sat there. I didn't cry or anything but I was so angry and upset. Eventually, I calmed down and managed to say a polite thanks through gritted teeth. As soon as he left, I stuck it in the garage never to be seen again except when he visited and I asked my ex huband why the fuck he had let him buy a RED toaster for my grey, chrome and black kitchen when all the appliances were chrome and stainless steel. Oh, didn't think of that he said. So then why did he let him buy a toaster when I said I liked the one I had? Not much of an answer, bit of a shrug.

I know it's a different situation, but I do wonder if she's just so fucking fed up with Alan ignoring her input and doing whatever he wants she just lost it.

And I can't believe I still remember that so well, it was at least 15 years ago, and I actually generally liked my fil (now deceased) and got along with him well, but I never forgot how my feelings were just totally ignored.

Lol, I am clearly so triggered by this post 😋

DrPrunesqualer · 31/08/2025 03:34

maudelovesharold · 31/08/2025 00:15

(is Snape Maltings in Yorkshire, I wonder?).

It’s in Suffolk, near Ipswich!

Posting for all of us who don’t know where Snape Maltings is. Unsurprisingly it’s in a place called Snape

Was anyone else at Snape Maltings today? Did Alan get his table?
DrPrunesqualer · 31/08/2025 03:30

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/08/2025 01:03

I mean, it is an ugly table but I smell a man who has never been allowed to have the final say on anything decor wise and finally thought "Fuck you".

My mother is like this about her and my fathers house. Every single item in that house has to be agreed by her and if she vetoes it, tough.

My father loves original art, but she doesnt. She likes twee naff stuff. Guess what is on the walls? If he does attempt to put his foot down then it magically gets put into his office or his bedroom (they sleep seperately) rather than in the main part of the house.

I can completely see her reacting like this to a random table. She wouldnt do it in public, but that shit would run for WEEKS until it ended up in the loft, like everything else she doesnt approve of that my father loves.

ETA.........the fact that it is his money paying makes no difference. She once insisted he pay for someone to repaint the hall. She didnt like the colour SHE CHOSE, so made him pay for it be repainted in (to everyone elses eyes) the same fucking colour. Frankly, losing sympathy for father as he gives in each time for a quiet life.

Edited

Does he have a man drawer at least

Ezesonfire · 31/08/2025 03:28

I was at Snape Maltings on Tuesday, no Alans spotted on a covert recce…..

I bought some chilli oil and incense sticks, at rather inflated prices.

DrPrunesqualer · 31/08/2025 03:25

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 23:17

Good call. The problem is that not everything they sell is on the website. It might have been this one shop.snapemaltings.co.uk/collections/coffee-tables-side-tables-and-stools/products/yaxley-round-side-table

I like that one and would be team Alan for that although tbh this women sounds awful so I don’t care what the tables like
I’m Team Alan anyway

Quite Interesting Yes GIF by The QI Elves
FortuneFaded · 31/08/2025 03:21

Claricecannotsleep · 31/08/2025 03:16

I’m here to say I love this thread. And to admire ( be horrified) by the idea of going there on a Saturday in August. #Heaving. #Parking issues. #people called Alan. 😱

It’s the drama Mick! We just love it!

VanillaSugar2023 · 31/08/2025 03:19

If the table was from the antiques centre then I am firmly Team MrsAlan.

Also, that is a very sad story about the man sobbing in the car at the service station.

Claricecannotsleep · 31/08/2025 03:16

I’m here to say I love this thread. And to admire ( be horrified) by the idea of going there on a Saturday in August. #Heaving. #Parking issues. #people called Alan. 😱

VanillaSugar2023 · 31/08/2025 03:13

Which particular shop at Snape Malting was this OP? Because the main building doesn’t allow dogs inside and I know this as my poor DH has spent many hours waiting outside with our own pooch while I go and look at coffee tables and Christmas decorations.

FortuneFaded · 31/08/2025 02:54

Bravo! @gillefc82 I bow to your inclusive ditty. I am armed, should the need ever arise, with a chant to break into if faced with an Alan V Wife live battle.

gillefc82 · 31/08/2025 02:50

@FortuneFaded I appreciate your highbrow account of this afternoon’s side table saga but to ensure this epic tale is accessible to everyone, I’ve summarised it in the form of a football chant below. For those in doubt, it should be recited to the tune of “She’ll be coming round the mountain”.

Oh Snape Maltings is the only place to be
For live drama when you’re buying your settee
Alan’s Mrs’ temper’s flaring
But our Alan’s sat declaring
“The side table is still coming home with me!”

He can stick that ugly table up his arse!
He can stick that ugly table up his arse!
To Alan it’s aesthetically pleasing
But it’s left his Mrs seething
Oh he can stick that ugly table up his arse!

SouthWamses · 31/08/2025 02:42

The description puts me even more with his wife:

your piece may display the following characteristics: nail marks, dents, scratches, bore holes, infills and wood filler. Cracks and splits may occur in recycled timber as the wood ages within the home

SouthWamses · 31/08/2025 02:37

maudelovesharold · 31/08/2025 00:15

(is Snape Maltings in Yorkshire, I wonder?).

It’s in Suffolk, near Ipswich!

Ipswich doesn’t give the right vibe - near Aldeburgh. Has a concert hall and music festival every year. The shop was rather naice middle class place last time I was there a few years ago.Aldeburgh is a London weekend home kind of place.

FrazzledHippy · 31/08/2025 02:29

Maybe Alan has a problem with buying side tables and this one was the last straw for his wife. I imagine it must be awful being married to a side table addict. Imagine the shame she felt when Janice next door found Alan scrabbling about in her skip in the middle of the night, desperately trying to find the third leg of the table shed thrown away.

It's a great time whilst it lasts but before you know it, the only furniture you have in your house is an assortment of mismatched little tables. I knew a guy with the same problem. He was so desperate for a fix, he brought home a side table that had been chucked in the road, been pissed on by all the neighbourhood cats and started to fester!

FortuneFaded · 31/08/2025 02:17

That table is out of stock online, so it looks like Alan won the Battle of Snape Maltings Table 2025.

Reading the description, I am confident that the “ skilled artisans in the vibrant city of Jaipur, Rajasth” will not be getting anywhere close to 150 notes for their hard graft.

SailingWonder · 31/08/2025 02:13

What the hell was he thinking buying a table without consulting her?!?!

#TeamAlansWife

GreyingSunshine · 31/08/2025 02:10

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 23:17

Good call. The problem is that not everything they sell is on the website. It might have been this one shop.snapemaltings.co.uk/collections/coffee-tables-side-tables-and-stools/products/yaxley-round-side-table

Oh no. I was team Alan till I saw the table...

I mean I'm sure it's a perfectly nice innocent side table but it is slightly on the ugly side.

The description of that table on the other hand is beautiful 😁

pinnockall · 31/08/2025 02:07

I’ve never heard of Snape maltings so picturing soreen loafs and Alan rickman :/

I need to see these tables.

FortuneFaded · 31/08/2025 02:04

A Table at Snape Maltings
(A Domestic Ode in Minor Key)
In Snape Maltings, under skies so wide,
Where reeds bow low and herons glide,
Alan strode proud through arts and oak,
A man enchanted, conscience woke.
He saw it there - a table, stout,
Of seasoned ash with iron grout.
It whispered tales of form and grace,
A centerpiece! A rightful place.
The cashier grinned, the deal was done,
No calls were made, no battles won.
He pictured wine, and a cuppa brewed -
The life that perfect purchases mused.
But in the shop, she stood quite still,
Her eyes as sharp as Orford chill.
"Explain this plank," she said, arms crossed,
"And count, dear Alan, what you've lost."
"You bought this thing - alone? No chat?
No sample wood? No schemes to bat?"
She circled it with studied glare,
"The grain's too bold. The leg? Despair!"
"But look," he pled, "the joints, the line!
It called to me - it felt divine!"
"It called to you," she fired back,
"While we are paying off the flat?"
The standoff bloomed by Alde's wide stream,
Where love once hummed like some shared dream.
Now boats went by and tourists slowed,
To watch a marriage near explode.
In this tale of table strife,
Are you #TeamAlan or #TeamWife?

Agapornis · 31/08/2025 02:03

It's full of second home owners round there (used to live in a more dreary town nearby). Maybe he gets to decide on decor in the second home? Or the shepherd's hut?

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