Page 18 | Was anyone else at Snape Maltings today? Did Alan get his table?

WonderfulSmith · 2025-08-30T21:31:38+00:00

Before I start I know it’s none of my business and I’m a bad person I’m sure but… I was at Snape Maltings today which is a nice arts centre with a lovely shop selling all sorts of home wares and furniture. It’s very quiet and sedate. Anyway, a woman started yelling at her husband. The whole place was pretending not to listen while giving each other looks. Turned out that he had ordered a perfectly innocent side table without talking to her about it first. She demanded that he cancel the order and he refused. He sat down on a sofa in the shop and she went and sat in the car. Every so often she’d come back and stick her head around the door, tell him the table was disgusting, and stomp back out. When we left, Alan was still sat on the sofa. But I want to know how it ended. Are they still there now? Did Alan cancel the order? Were any of you there?

Musntapplecrumble · 31/08/2025 07:05

Billybagpuss · 31/08/2025 06:53

Brilliant review of it

Was that THE Alan?!

Musntapplecrumble · 31/08/2025 07:03

Omg, songs as well this is brilliant! 😂

Cinaferna · 31/08/2025 06:54

Karistyleaftea · 30/08/2025 22:49

I hope someone lets you know the outcome.
Snape Maltings is rather lovely , fab Hepworth sculptures in the gardens I remember.

Oh well in that case, Alan and wife are world class art thieves who used the table row as a distraction. Obviously.

Muffintopmumma · 31/08/2025 06:53

pambeesleyhalpert · 30/08/2025 22:39

There’s a video on TT atm where a woman is screaming at a man for being Parked outside her bfs house- the man Had broken down, wasn’t parked. She got her bf out and he was explaining as well and he was looking at her like she was mad. The update Was that he broke up with her after that because she was acting like a lunatic. His name was Alan as well so I wonder if he’s the same Guy 🙈

I think that’s fake

Billybagpuss · 31/08/2025 06:53

Brilliant review of it

Was anyone else at Snape Maltings today? Did Alan get his table?

PigglyWigglyOhYeah · 31/08/2025 06:50

I wonder if Alan has a side table obsession, like my mother. I was in her sitting room the other day and counted 5. It's not even a big room. Perhaps this is his 17th side table purchase this month.

I'm Team Alan, though. I don't like public scenes, so have taken against his wife. Plus, I don't like to see dogs being carried, they always look embarrassed.

FortuneFaded · 31/08/2025 06:47

Mopsy567 · 31/08/2025 06:36

@FortuneFaded Brilliant! Enjoyed reading that.

I can imagine we will eventually progress to a full blown West End show about Alan and his side table.

Good idea!

Who will play Alan?
Mrs Alan?
@WonderfulSmith who would you cast as Alan and Mrs Alan? Let’s cast Tom Hardy in it, just because. Not as Alan though, he doesn’t seem a likely Alan.

TalulaHalulah · 31/08/2025 06:46

piscofrisco · 31/08/2025 04:45

You win the thread and indeed the entire day with this ode to Alan

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entirely agree, it is genius

Sarover · 31/08/2025 06:45

I love that this drama unfolded in Snape Maltings. I go there once a year on my way back from Southwold. It’s the absolute epitome of middle class naiceness. The scenery, architecture, shops, food, art and music are all so carefully curated and maintained. The perfect setting for a domestic imbroglio. Perhaps it was an immersive production of a new Mike Leigh play?

Sorrynotsorry2 · 31/08/2025 06:45

I hope the wife never snapped and farted

ParmaVioletTea · 31/08/2025 06:42

borntobequiet · 31/08/2025 06:06

This statement side table was made by skilled artisans in the vibrant city of Jaipur, Rajasthan. It has been made from teak which has been sanded, shaped and restored with a light finish. Due to the reclaimed nature of this piece, each table will differ slightly with charming signs of its previous life rendering it completely unique. The beauty of this natural and reclaimed product means your piece may display the following characteristics: nail marks, dents, scratches, bore holes, infills and wood filler. Cracks and splits may occur in recycled timber as the wood ages within the home which is perfectly normal with this type of material. Furniture from reclaimed sources is also environmentally beneficial, reusing materials sustainably sourced from low-risk sources.

What a lot of pretentious waffle.

It’s a pretty ugly table. I’m with Alan’s wife.

Tarrantella · 31/08/2025 06:40

Ooo, I love grandfather clocks and Alan’s table. Go Alan!

Mopsy567 · 31/08/2025 06:36

@FortuneFaded Brilliant! Enjoyed reading that.

I can imagine we will eventually progress to a full blown West End show about Alan and his side table.

Billybagpuss · 31/08/2025 06:33

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 23:17

Good call. The problem is that not everything they sell is on the website. It might have been this one shop.snapemaltings.co.uk/collections/coffee-tables-side-tables-and-stools/products/yaxley-round-side-table

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JKR must have visited here Yaxley is also a death eater, or the table makers are HP obsessed

come on Mrs Alan you must be on mn

Camaraderie · 31/08/2025 06:13

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 23:34

It’s not a table I would pick either.

Small type dog. I couldn’t really look. You’ve never seen a place so full of people very closely inspecting candlesticks and soap while not looking.

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Having looked at their website, I think Snape Maltings is the ideal place for spending ages browsing with no intention of buying anything. Throw in a public argument and I’m there for a good half hour.

borntobequiet · 31/08/2025 06:06

This statement side table was made by skilled artisans in the vibrant city of Jaipur, Rajasthan. It has been made from teak which has been sanded, shaped and restored with a light finish. Due to the reclaimed nature of this piece, each table will differ slightly with charming signs of its previous life rendering it completely unique. The beauty of this natural and reclaimed product means your piece may display the following characteristics: nail marks, dents, scratches, bore holes, infills and wood filler. Cracks and splits may occur in recycled timber as the wood ages within the home which is perfectly normal with this type of material. Furniture from reclaimed sources is also environmentally beneficial, reusing materials sustainably sourced from low-risk sources.

What a lot of pretentious waffle.

TimeForATerf · 31/08/2025 05:59

I’m team wife I’m afraid. DH has his car, a big lumbering, shiny top end of the range Volvo which is kept immaculate. I don’t drive it, it’s too big to get mum in and park easily. I’m not allowed to bring food or drinks into it or sit in it in silence, he has to have big noise, loud music. (I do have my own car, that I chose, and never play music) He also has his golf club and football club where he can do what the fuck he likes, plus his ginormous 50” TV.

The house, and all the decor and furniture are my taste, I will never, ever allow any part of the house to be taken over with his ugly ideas. If he had his way, he’d have massive, squishy reclining leather sofas with cup and remote control holders and sports memorabilia on the walls. Just, fucking, no.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 31/08/2025 05:57

gillefc82 · 31/08/2025 02:50

@FortuneFaded I appreciate your highbrow account of this afternoon’s side table saga but to ensure this epic tale is accessible to everyone, I’ve summarised it in the form of a football chant below. For those in doubt, it should be recited to the tune of “She’ll be coming round the mountain”.

Oh Snape Maltings is the only place to be
For live drama when you’re buying your settee
Alan’s Mrs’ temper’s flaring
But our Alan’s sat declaring
“The side table is still coming home with me!”

He can stick that ugly table up his arse!
He can stick that ugly table up his arse!
To Alan it’s aesthetically pleasing
But it’s left his Mrs seething
Oh he can stick that ugly table up his arse!

@gillefc82 I sung the words but sadly, in tune it was not. You and @FortuneFaded are very talented and I thank you both for the late-night laughs.

bananafake · 31/08/2025 05:53

MrsSuu · 31/08/2025 05:44

I LOVE Snape Maltings! A beautiful place with a fantastic Hepworth outside. No dogs are allowed in the main shop so Alan must have seen his opportunity and went for it when wife was stuck in the car with the dog.

If she didn’t like it she could have returned it once he was out at work or on a dog walk.
No one should be shouted at in public so I’m #TeamAlan

Edited

I agree (even though I hate the table).

The fact he didn't say a peep back speaks volumes.

Leave her Alan! You deserve better!

FollowSpot · 31/08/2025 05:51

Bravo @FortuneFaded !

Have you considered your own poetry reading at Snape Festival? Or maybe Aldeburgh?

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 31/08/2025 05:47

@FortuneFaded Bravo!

Standing Ovation Applause GIF by The Maury Show

MrsSuu · 31/08/2025 05:44

I LOVE Snape Maltings! A beautiful place with a fantastic Hepworth outside. No dogs are allowed in the main shop so Alan must have seen his opportunity and went for it when wife was stuck in the car with the dog.

If she didn’t like it she could have returned it once he was out at work or on a dog walk.
No one should be shouted at in public so I’m #TeamAlan

Saurus72 · 31/08/2025 05:41

YanTanTetheraPetheraBumfitt · 30/08/2025 23:24

Yeah I wouldn’t like it either. Saying that there are paintings in this house I detest and I bite my tongue as it’s dh’s house too. However I swear they’re coming down before he’s even cold if I outlive him. 😁

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Same. Obviously I have impeccable taste while DH has the most ginormous, lumbering grandfather clock in dark wood inherited from his dad. I’ll be taking a chainsaw to it if I’m last one standing.

Team Alan tho of course. I know Snape Maltings and can imagine the concentration of the non-lookers, all Very British Problems

FlamingoFloss · 31/08/2025 05:29

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 23:17

Good call. The problem is that not everything they sell is on the website. It might have been this one shop.snapemaltings.co.uk/collections/coffee-tables-side-tables-and-stools/products/yaxley-round-side-table

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The name puts me off! Makes me think of Tommy Robinson 🤣🤣🤣

tuvamoodyson · 31/08/2025 05:28

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 22:52

Alan didn’t say a word the whole time. She came in shouting ‘you’ve done what? What table?’ Alan indicates the table. ‘Oh bloody hell, oh that’s horrible, oh it’s disgusting. And you’ve ordered it? Well you can just bloody cancel it then’.
She then stomped out, carrying the dog.
Alan then went over to the cash desk and said ‘I’m in trouble, I’m not going to cancel though.’

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Alan has been reading MN and is setting the famous ‘boundaries!’ Good for you Alan!