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Original poster

Was anyone else at Snape Maltings today? Did Alan get his table?

538 replies

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 22:31

Before I start I know it’s none of my business and I’m a bad person I’m sure but…

I was at Snape Maltings today which is a nice arts centre with a lovely shop selling all sorts of home wares and furniture. It’s very quiet and sedate.
Anyway, a woman started yelling at her husband. The whole place was pretending not to listen while giving each other looks. Turned out that he had ordered a perfectly innocent side table without talking to her about it first. She demanded that he cancel the order and he refused. He sat down on a sofa in the shop and she went and sat in the car. Every so often she’d come back and stick her head around the door, tell him the table was disgusting, and stomp back out.

When we left, Alan was still sat on the sofa. But I want to know how it ended. Are they still there now? Did Alan cancel the order?

Were any of you there?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
19
FortuneFaded · 31/08/2025 07:51

finewhat · 31/08/2025 07:17

Weird thread.

No warning. No discussion. None.
This table war had just begun.

<Enter Finewhat, stage left>

They left a comment, subtle, curt:
“Weird thread”,
Finewhat simply said
Then off they went, a little pale,
Still haunted by that table tale.
Yet still tonight, they are bound to peek...
To read Snape Maltings news this week.

MagnoliaTreeBlossom · 31/08/2025 07:49

Ahsheeit · 31/08/2025 00:21

It's not Alan, it's Ste.

(Crawls away hoping someone gets the rather niche joke)

Allan! Allan! Link to animal voice-over on YouTube.

🤣

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://youtu.be/QrPSjeKdQ0o

Sowingbees · 31/08/2025 07:43

finewhat · 31/08/2025 07:41

That must be it. Clever conclusion. Witty too.

Show quote history

You must be new.

Anyway I still don't really get what Snape Maltings is.

ReceiveIt · 31/08/2025 07:41

One of my clients has that exact same table. I believe she got it from The Range, so less 'skilled artisans of Jaipur' and more 'factory production line in China'. Poor Alan, he could of had a cheaper version and therefore more money to spaff on Christmas decs and glittery stationary.

finewhat · 31/08/2025 07:41

VanillaSugar2023 · 31/08/2025 07:20

Are you Mrs Alan? What really happened at Snape Maltings?

Show quote history

That must be it. Clever conclusion. Witty too.

Funderthighs · 31/08/2025 07:39

I have a bucket list of places to visit. Shape Maltings has been added. 😬

JustAMiddleAgedDirtBagBaby · 31/08/2025 07:33

Mopsy567 · 31/08/2025 06:36

@FortuneFaded Brilliant! Enjoyed reading that.

I can imagine we will eventually progress to a full blown West End show about Alan and his side table.

Snapped in Snape: the Alan Story

Agreed on Toby Jones as Alan. Alison Steadman as Mrs Alan?

violetcuriosity · 31/08/2025 07:33

I am going to Snape for breakfast this morning 🤣

heldinadream · 31/08/2025 07:33

TheDogsMother · 31/08/2025 07:15

I can picture Toby Jones playing Alan. The ordinariness of his character in The Detectorists mixed with the small man fighting the system in Mr Bates vs The Post Office. Go Alan !!

Show quote history

Yes! Toby Jones is exactly my mental Alan.
With a particularly snippy and pursed-lipped Olivia Coleman as his Mrs.

Also someone above used the description 'domestic imbroglio', which almost made me swoon with wordy delight, so I think the title of any drama whether TV, cinematic movie, or stage production should be 'Domestic Imbroglio at Snape Maltings'.
I think Tilda Swinton should be in it too - @WonderfulSmith , could Tilda Swinton play you? Are you willowy, chic, enigmatic and a tad weird? Please say yes! 😂

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 31/08/2025 07:32

Zonder · 30/08/2025 23:55

Nah I'm Team Alan. He's had years of her making all the decisions and just this once he wants a table the right height for his cup of tea, so he doesn't have to just sit holding it all the way through the Sewing Bee (which his wife chooses to watch). I hope he didn't back down this time like he did over the leather reclining armchair last year.

Show quote history

GrinGrinGrinGrin

LillyPJ · 31/08/2025 07:32

FortuneFaded · 31/08/2025 02:04

A Table at Snape Maltings
(A Domestic Ode in Minor Key)
In Snape Maltings, under skies so wide,
Where reeds bow low and herons glide,
Alan strode proud through arts and oak,
A man enchanted, conscience woke.
He saw it there - a table, stout,
Of seasoned ash with iron grout.
It whispered tales of form and grace,
A centerpiece! A rightful place.
The cashier grinned, the deal was done,
No calls were made, no battles won.
He pictured wine, and a cuppa brewed -
The life that perfect purchases mused.
But in the shop, she stood quite still,
Her eyes as sharp as Orford chill.
"Explain this plank," she said, arms crossed,
"And count, dear Alan, what you've lost."
"You bought this thing - alone? No chat?
No sample wood? No schemes to bat?"
She circled it with studied glare,
"The grain's too bold. The leg? Despair!"
"But look," he pled, "the joints, the line!
It called to me - it felt divine!"
"It called to you," she fired back,
"While we are paying off the flat?"
The standoff bloomed by Alde's wide stream,
Where love once hummed like some shared dream.
Now boats went by and tourists slowed,
To watch a marriage near explode.
In this tale of table strife,
Are you #TeamAlan or #TeamWife?

Edited

Brilliant!

Sowingbees · 31/08/2025 07:31

Ahsheeit · 31/08/2025 00:21

It's not Alan, it's Ste.

(Crawls away hoping someone gets the rather niche joke)

Bear Grylls, what kind of name is that? Are you an animal or a bit of a oven? 😂

LillyPJ · 31/08/2025 07:29

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 23:17

Good call. The problem is that not everything they sell is on the website. It might have been this one shop.snapemaltings.co.uk/collections/coffee-tables-side-tables-and-stools/products/yaxley-round-side-table

Show quote history

In which case, I'm on her side. Takes up loads of floor space but provides very little table top.

Goldleafcat · 31/08/2025 07:28

SpidersAreShitheads · 31/08/2025 05:19

I love that table!

I’m always weirdly shocked to discover that other people don’t like the same things that I do 😂😂

Me and Alan have great taste, clearly.

I also really like it! I think it looks lovely!

(Now wondering if I have shit taste. Oh well)

Hairshare · 31/08/2025 07:25

Alan won’t cancel the table because he clearly has huge powers of passive resistance. His DP was out of order shouting like that amidst the hand made soap bars and their purchases, let alone insulting the poor table, but she’s right that it should have been a joint decision.

VanillaSugar2023 · 31/08/2025 07:20

finewhat · 31/08/2025 07:17

Weird thread.

Are you Mrs Alan? What really happened at Snape Maltings?

TalulaHalulah · 31/08/2025 07:19

saraclara · 31/08/2025 07:18

But the problem was, my whole kitchen at that time was in grey and black marble and chrome/stainless steel, it all matched and I really liked that kitchen.

I'm sorry @thebabayaga but that kitchen desperately needed the splash of colour that a bright red four-slice toaster would have given it.

Had she herself chosen it.

saraclara · 31/08/2025 07:18

But the problem was, my whole kitchen at that time was in grey and black marble and chrome/stainless steel, it all matched and I really liked that kitchen.

I'm sorry @thebabayaga but that kitchen desperately needed the splash of colour that a bright red four-slice toaster would have given it.

finewhat · 31/08/2025 07:17

Weird thread.

Aquababe73 · 31/08/2025 07:17

Poor Alan probably hasn't had anywhere to put his mug of tea for years, having to balance it on his knee whilst watching Antiques Road Show. He's probably the got a in permanent knee-dentation and red burn mark on his skin.

chatgptsbestmate · 31/08/2025 07:16

I haven't RTFT but my intel says that Alan's been having an affair for the last 3 years. Mrs Alan just found out and the side table was NOT the real issue here.

😳😳

TheDogsMother · 31/08/2025 07:15

Mopsy567 · 31/08/2025 06:36

@FortuneFaded Brilliant! Enjoyed reading that.

I can imagine we will eventually progress to a full blown West End show about Alan and his side table.

I can picture Toby Jones playing Alan. The ordinariness of his character in The Detectorists mixed with the small man fighting the system in Mr Bates vs The Post Office. Go Alan !!

LeftieRightsHoarder · 31/08/2025 07:13

dapsnotplimsolls · 30/08/2025 23:08

Here are the side tables - which one was it? 😁

Coffee Tables, Side Tables and Stools – Snape Maltings

Good work, Daps!

friskybivalves · 31/08/2025 07:09

Snape Maltings was transformed in the 1960s by Benjamin Britten and the singer Peter Pears into a big concert hall (was previously an old malting house. House? Dunno. Place anyway…) and is where the Aldeburgh music festival is held every year.

#teamalan but I prefer the Olive lacquer if I’d had to stick anything in the boot.

ConfusedMiddleAger83 · 31/08/2025 07:09

Ah this thread is very nostalgic, we used to holiday in Suffolk by the sea when I was a child ( over 40 years ago) and a trip to Snape Maltings or Aldringham craft market was an afternoon out! I don’t remember actually being allowed to buy anything though 😂.

#teamalanswife

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