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Original poster

Was anyone else at Snape Maltings today? Did Alan get his table?

538 replies

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 22:31

Before I start I know it’s none of my business and I’m a bad person I’m sure but…

I was at Snape Maltings today which is a nice arts centre with a lovely shop selling all sorts of home wares and furniture. It’s very quiet and sedate.
Anyway, a woman started yelling at her husband. The whole place was pretending not to listen while giving each other looks. Turned out that he had ordered a perfectly innocent side table without talking to her about it first. She demanded that he cancel the order and he refused. He sat down on a sofa in the shop and she went and sat in the car. Every so often she’d come back and stick her head around the door, tell him the table was disgusting, and stomp back out.

When we left, Alan was still sat on the sofa. But I want to know how it ended. Are they still there now? Did Alan cancel the order?

Were any of you there?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
19
FamingolosForDays · 31/08/2025 08:45

Absolute excellence 🤣 I can't wait to hear if Alan got his table!!

deeahgwitch · 31/08/2025 08:44

I don’t even live in the UK but I’m going to google Snape Maltings. It sounds like a nice place to visit.
Poor Alan but perhaps his taste is sh*te and he’d spoil the aesthetic.

Original poster
WonderfulSmith · 31/08/2025 08:41

violetcuriosity · 31/08/2025 07:33

I am going to Snape for breakfast this morning 🤣

You have to go in and ask.

If you go to the main hall through the door from the plants then there is a sofa right in front of you and the side table was either next to the big green sofa or the next one along. It was between the side door with the plans and the cash desk.
I’m not sure that it’s the one I linked too. It was a sandy coloured wood.

Ask the people at the desk. I’m sure one of them will know.

we have to know. I knew someone would be going it’s a very MN place.

OP posts:
YourFavouriteFalafel · 31/08/2025 08:40

pambeesleyhalpert · 30/08/2025 22:39

There’s a video on TT atm where a woman is screaming at a man for being Parked outside her bfs house- the man Had broken down, wasn’t parked. She got her bf out and he was explaining as well and he was looking at her like she was mad. The update Was that he broke up with her after that because she was acting like a lunatic. His name was Alan as well so I wonder if he’s the same Guy 🙈

That video is hilarious. I've linked it for everyone to enjoy.

"This is Alan" 😂

https://youtube.com/shorts/0-CKIJRx4Ec?si=xFlomWpSKH7KyDLP

Before you continue to YouTube

https://youtube.com/shorts/0-CKIJRx4Ec?si=xFlomWpSKH7KyDLP

Original poster
WonderfulSmith · 31/08/2025 08:36

JustAMiddleAgedDirtBagBaby · 31/08/2025 07:33

Snapped in Snape: the Alan Story

Agreed on Toby Jones as Alan. Alison Steadman as Mrs Alan?

Show quote history

Alison Stedman is who I was thinking of. Not sure about Alan. He wasn’t quite as put upon as you might think. Possibly Roger Allum.

OP posts:
BurlyShriggs · 31/08/2025 08:32

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 23:20

I’m looking for it on their instagram.

Is anyone going tomorrow? Can you take a picture? Ask the staff if Alan got his table.

Show quote history

😂

Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 31/08/2025 08:30

Ooh, Snape Maltings! They sell some gorgeous stuff, we always pop in there for a mooch when in the area. Usually come away with some biscuits or chocolate from the food hall.
Some of their prices are eye watering. I have quite a long held fantasy of buying a fabulous house down the road in Southwold and furnishing it exclusively from The Maltings. Maybe when we win the lottery. 🤞

Margsus · 31/08/2025 08:29

Ahsheeit · 31/08/2025 00:21

It's not Alan, it's Ste.

(Crawls away hoping someone gets the rather niche joke)

I think I get it - my husband's ring tone is Alan! Alan! Alan! from that programme (and yes, his name is Alan!)

Emmafuller79 · 31/08/2025 08:28

TheaBrandt1 · 30/08/2025 23:29

We once witnessed an epic family row at a busy restaurant. Our kids were wide eyed. Realised we had deprived them of a dramatic upbringing as we never really have rows.

people Shout /argue everywhere. Are you lying
or your children are way to sheltered?

Emmafuller79 · 31/08/2025 08:27

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 22:31

Before I start I know it’s none of my business and I’m a bad person I’m sure but…

I was at Snape Maltings today which is a nice arts centre with a lovely shop selling all sorts of home wares and furniture. It’s very quiet and sedate.
Anyway, a woman started yelling at her husband. The whole place was pretending not to listen while giving each other looks. Turned out that he had ordered a perfectly innocent side table without talking to her about it first. She demanded that he cancel the order and he refused. He sat down on a sofa in the shop and she went and sat in the car. Every so often she’d come back and stick her head around the door, tell him the table was disgusting, and stomp back out.

When we left, Alan was still sat on the sofa. But I want to know how it ended. Are they still there now? Did Alan cancel the order?

Were any of you there?

What’s non post🙄
does nothing of real consequence happen were you live?

Clafoutie · 31/08/2025 08:25

Billybagpuss · 31/08/2025 06:53

Brilliant review of it

Haha, and then the reply “ It is a shame that you did not enjoy your visit here” 😂

damemaggiescurledupperlip · 31/08/2025 08:24

I think Alan is Planning A Man-Shed

Original poster
WonderfulSmith · 31/08/2025 08:24

Claricecannotsleep · 31/08/2025 03:16

I’m here to say I love this thread. And to admire ( be horrified) by the idea of going there on a Saturday in August. #Heaving. #Parking issues. #people called Alan. 😱

I thought it would be heaving but it wasn’t. We usually avoid a Saturday but it wasn’t busy at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
WonderfulSmith · 31/08/2025 08:22

VanillaSugar2023 · 31/08/2025 03:13

Which particular shop at Snape Malting was this OP? Because the main building doesn’t allow dogs inside and I know this as my poor DH has spent many hours waiting outside with our own pooch while I go and look at coffee tables and Christmas decorations.

The main building allows dogs if you carry them. But this was part of the problem. He was in the shop (the main furnitures hall bit), she was standing in the side door with the dog shouting from there. She then picked up the dog and came in to look.

OP posts:
Clawdy · 31/08/2025 08:22

Haven't read all posts so it's probably been mentioned, just wondering how old the couple are, most of the Alans I know are over sixty. So maybe been together a long time, poor Alan!

violetcuriosity · 31/08/2025 08:22

onyourway · 31/08/2025 07:57

Can you ask, on behalf of MN, if Alan got his table? Or if he’s still sitting there hugging anxiously to it?

Show quote history

😂😂😂 yes I will if I feel brave.

Clafoutie · 31/08/2025 08:21

FortuneFaded · 31/08/2025 02:04

A Table at Snape Maltings
(A Domestic Ode in Minor Key)
In Snape Maltings, under skies so wide,
Where reeds bow low and herons glide,
Alan strode proud through arts and oak,
A man enchanted, conscience woke.
He saw it there - a table, stout,
Of seasoned ash with iron grout.
It whispered tales of form and grace,
A centerpiece! A rightful place.
The cashier grinned, the deal was done,
No calls were made, no battles won.
He pictured wine, and a cuppa brewed -
The life that perfect purchases mused.
But in the shop, she stood quite still,
Her eyes as sharp as Orford chill.
"Explain this plank," she said, arms crossed,
"And count, dear Alan, what you've lost."
"You bought this thing - alone? No chat?
No sample wood? No schemes to bat?"
She circled it with studied glare,
"The grain's too bold. The leg? Despair!"
"But look," he pled, "the joints, the line!
It called to me - it felt divine!"
"It called to you," she fired back,
"While we are paying off the flat?"
The standoff bloomed by Alde's wide stream,
Where love once hummed like some shared dream.
Now boats went by and tourists slowed,
To watch a marriage near explode.
In this tale of table strife,
Are you #TeamAlan or #TeamWife?

Edited

This is absolutely brilliant! 😂👏One of the best things I’ve read on MN. This whole thread is creative and comedy gold.

SereneSquirrel · 31/08/2025 08:20

He also Googled the location of Snape Maltings (not being privy to such information because I didn’t include it in my highlights) and is now disappointed that it's 5 hours away so we can't go there this morning.

Shelteringfromthestorm · 31/08/2025 08:19

Poor woman. Sounds like she's going through what I am right now. I would have reacted in the same way.

SereneSquirrel · 31/08/2025 08:18

@WonderfulSmith my DP, to whom I have read aloud extended highlights of this thread, asks the approximate age of Alan and Mrs Alan (who he suspects may be called Marjorie), to make sure his mental image of Alan and Marjorie is accurate.

PersephoneParlormaid · 31/08/2025 08:09

To be fair, there are nicer tables.

CarolNoE · 31/08/2025 08:08

jonthebatiste · 30/08/2025 23:04

Now THIS is what MN is for!! I don’t know who Alan is, I don’t know what Snape Maltings is, but I need to know whether Alan prevailed!

Agreed. The one time you want The Daily Mail to trawl MN and pick up the story lol.

ThePinkPoster · 31/08/2025 08:01

Brilliant thread 😁

MyDeftDuck · 31/08/2025 07:59

Are you sure they weren’t filming some sit com? Was there a camera crew lurking around? 😂

onyourway · 31/08/2025 07:57

violetcuriosity · 31/08/2025 07:33

I am going to Snape for breakfast this morning 🤣

Can you ask, on behalf of MN, if Alan got his table? Or if he’s still sitting there hugging anxiously to it?

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