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Original poster

Was anyone else at Snape Maltings today? Did Alan get his table?

538 replies

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 22:31

Before I start I know it’s none of my business and I’m a bad person I’m sure but…

I was at Snape Maltings today which is a nice arts centre with a lovely shop selling all sorts of home wares and furniture. It’s very quiet and sedate.
Anyway, a woman started yelling at her husband. The whole place was pretending not to listen while giving each other looks. Turned out that he had ordered a perfectly innocent side table without talking to her about it first. She demanded that he cancel the order and he refused. He sat down on a sofa in the shop and she went and sat in the car. Every so often she’d come back and stick her head around the door, tell him the table was disgusting, and stomp back out.

When we left, Alan was still sat on the sofa. But I want to know how it ended. Are they still there now? Did Alan cancel the order?

Were any of you there?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
19
CloseBlueGreen · 31/08/2025 10:21

I’m also weirdly invested in this too. good advertising for Snape Maltings, and I came here thinking it was going to be some Harry Potter themed thing.

I've now looked at their side tables, and thought I’d like the gold tray table.

Clafoutie · 31/08/2025 10:20

Aquababe73 · 31/08/2025 09:18

Clafoutie for Poet Laureate 🙌

Show quote history

I wish I could claim the credit! But it was actually @FortuneFaded 🙂

Echobelly · 31/08/2025 10:18

We have 3 nice ceiling light shades from when we were at Snape, but couldn't afford much else at the time, wish we could have. It is veh' nice place, even if Mrs Alan takes exception to some of their wares.

viques · 31/08/2025 10:15

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 23:17

Good call. The problem is that not everything they sell is on the website. It might have been this one shop.snapemaltings.co.uk/collections/coffee-tables-side-tables-and-stools/products/yaxley-round-side-table

Show quote history

No reviews, yet! I wonder who will get on there first, Alan or Mrs Alan.

SurferRona · 31/08/2025 10:15

dapsnotplimsolls · 30/08/2025 23:08

Here are the side tables - which one was it? 😁

Coffee Tables, Side Tables and Stools – Snape Maltings

Oh dear. I could see why this was a problem. It’s all quite… Boden ish, but ‘ better cos hand-knitted from organic tofu’. Literally nothing here I would live happily with. It’s all very meh indeed.

Cinaferna · 31/08/2025 10:10

MrsMoastyToasty · 31/08/2025 09:47

I bet Mrs Alan doesn't drive and so when she flounced off she couldn't get in the car and drive off. Hence returning to the "scene of the crime" to see if Alan was ready to leave.

Don't let the Americans get hold of the story. They would cast Tom Hanks as Alan and Meryl Streep as Mrs Alan. They'd try and film on location but get it wrong and use Trago Mills instead.

Where is the laugh emoji? I cackled at this!

eleanorwish · 31/08/2025 10:10

WonderfulSmith · 31/08/2025 09:55

The thing with Snape Maltings is that you have the Snape tax and the Snape distortion field.

Snape tax is that everything you buy there is slightly more expensive that anywhere else. I bought some lovely mugs last week from Suffolk Food Hall. Snape had the identical mugs for £1.50 more.

The Snape Distortion Field is that everything looks lovely with all the other beautiful things near it and such lovely presentation. You buy something and take it home and it ends up looking rather ordinary.

I have trawled their instagram but can’t find the table.

I live 10 mins away from the Suffolk Food Hall, I love that place!

Echobelly · 31/08/2025 10:09

That table is OK, but wouldn't really go with anything in our house, it's quite a specific look and I can imagine a person who isn't that design-minded thinking 'I like that' without considering it doesn't at all go with the rest of their house. Still, poor Alan, he didn't deserve that.

Cinaferna · 31/08/2025 10:08

the80sweregreat · 31/08/2025 09:25

The wife wouid be played by Dorothy Atkinson who was Pauline in ‘Mum. ‘ Toby Jones Alan gazing lovingly at the table of his desire whilst his wife is stomping around outside the shop glaring at people. Do not side with Alan , the table isn’t coming anywhere near my lovely house.

Perfect casting. That actress is so underrated.

CharlotteStreetW1 · 31/08/2025 10:08

OneSharpGoose · 31/08/2025 09:15

Dh suggests you cast one of the Chippendales in the upcoming West end play.
#teamalan

Is that a furniture joke? 🤔

Cinaferna · 31/08/2025 10:05

violetcuriosity · 31/08/2025 07:33

I am going to Snape for breakfast this morning 🤣

Well can you please check if Alan kipped the night on that sofa?

Original poster
WonderfulSmith · 31/08/2025 09:56

FollowSpot · 31/08/2025 09:55

But which dog actor will play The Dog?

#TeamDog

I could be an extra. I have a knitted hat from Snape Maltings. From the shop that looks like a log cabin in the corner of the car park near the river.

Also there could be a Christmas Special because the Maltings has the BEST and most extensive collection of baubles and decorations ever. Ditto Christmas Chocolate in the food hall. Alan could be like Ralphie in A Christmas Story, trying many ways to get his side table… amidst cries of ‘you’ll skin your shins on that rough edge’

We went bauble shopping there a few years ago! It was wonderful.

OP posts:
CatHugger · 31/08/2025 09:56

YanTanTetheraPetheraBumfitt · 30/08/2025 23:24

Yeah I wouldn’t like it either. Saying that there are paintings in this house I detest and I bite my tongue as it’s dh’s house too. However I swear they’re coming down before he’s even cold if I outlive him. 😁

Show quote history

Same. There's a huge painting of DH's in our bedroom. It clashes with the décor and isn't very good, but he did it himself so I can't say anything. There are also prints in our bedroom that he brought with him when he moved in. I don't mind them but they're hung weirdly and flap around in the wind.

Scentedjasmin · 31/08/2025 09:55

MrsMoastyToasty · 31/08/2025 09:47

I bet Mrs Alan doesn't drive and so when she flounced off she couldn't get in the car and drive off. Hence returning to the "scene of the crime" to see if Alan was ready to leave.

Don't let the Americans get hold of the story. They would cast Tom Hanks as Alan and Meryl Streep as Mrs Alan. They'd try and film on location but get it wrong and use Trago Mills instead.

I'm laughing so much!! You are so right! And they would shoehorn a racoon into an outdoor scene of bucolic English bliss.

Original poster
WonderfulSmith · 31/08/2025 09:55

The thing with Snape Maltings is that you have the Snape tax and the Snape distortion field.

Snape tax is that everything you buy there is slightly more expensive that anywhere else. I bought some lovely mugs last week from Suffolk Food Hall. Snape had the identical mugs for £1.50 more.

The Snape Distortion Field is that everything looks lovely with all the other beautiful things near it and such lovely presentation. You buy something and take it home and it ends up looking rather ordinary.

I have trawled their instagram but can’t find the table.

OP posts:
FollowSpot · 31/08/2025 09:55

But which dog actor will play The Dog?

#TeamDog

I could be an extra. I have a knitted hat from Snape Maltings. From the shop that looks like a log cabin in the corner of the car park near the river.

Also there could be a Christmas Special because the Maltings has the BEST and most extensive collection of baubles and decorations ever. Ditto Christmas Chocolate in the food hall. Alan could be like Ralphie in A Christmas Story, trying many ways to get his side table… amidst cries of ‘you’ll skin your shins on that rough edge’

Vitriolinsanity · 31/08/2025 09:51

TBF that table is shit. I have a chest that ex-DH insisted on buying during our Sri Lanka honeymoon, it was then shipped back home. It cost £££ to get the ugly fucker through customs. He’s been gone years, but the ugly fucker chest still sits. Soon something heavy is scheduled to fall on it.

Sorry Alan, I’m with your wife on this one.

MrsMoastyToasty · 31/08/2025 09:47

I bet Mrs Alan doesn't drive and so when she flounced off she couldn't get in the car and drive off. Hence returning to the "scene of the crime" to see if Alan was ready to leave.

Don't let the Americans get hold of the story. They would cast Tom Hanks as Alan and Meryl Streep as Mrs Alan. They'd try and film on location but get it wrong and use Trago Mills instead.

TheGetAlongGang · 31/08/2025 09:43

TheaBrandt1 · 30/08/2025 23:29

We once witnessed an epic family row at a busy restaurant. Our kids were wide eyed. Realised we had deprived them of a dramatic upbringing as we never really have rows.

I brought my lot up as a single parent,so didn't row with anyone
There was this mother we knew from school (we all know the type,bossy,bitchy,thought her shit didn't stink and that she was a perfect mother)
She was also the biggest shit stirrer I've ever known and she'd caused so much trouble for me over the years with her lies

Anyway,I'm sat with adult dd in Starbucks when she and her dd walked in like they owned the place and started rowing at their table
I've never seen dd look so agog-her eyes where out on stalks
This went on for about 15 minutes,when her dd shouted 'you where like this over the bloody sprouts!' and then she stomped out
I was dying to ask the mother what was the problem with the sprouts but it wasn't worth the crap I'd get afterwards (her mother knew my mother and they would have gone mental at me)

It was glorious to be fair-watching her taking a taste of her own medicine

TidyDancer · 31/08/2025 09:39

I’m invested in this. Someone needs to take one for the team and phone them.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 31/08/2025 09:37

gillefc82 · 31/08/2025 02:50

@FortuneFaded I appreciate your highbrow account of this afternoon’s side table saga but to ensure this epic tale is accessible to everyone, I’ve summarised it in the form of a football chant below. For those in doubt, it should be recited to the tune of “She’ll be coming round the mountain”.

Oh Snape Maltings is the only place to be
For live drama when you’re buying your settee
Alan’s Mrs’ temper’s flaring
But our Alan’s sat declaring
“The side table is still coming home with me!”

He can stick that ugly table up his arse!
He can stick that ugly table up his arse!
To Alan it’s aesthetically pleasing
But it’s left his Mrs seething
Oh he can stick that ugly table up his arse!

😂😂 this made me lol
Thanks

Seahorsesplendour · 31/08/2025 09:35

Great thread!!! Shamelessly place marking!!!

Ratafia · 31/08/2025 09:32

PennyRest · 31/08/2025 01:19

New goal, go to Snape Maltings ASAP!
I’m team Alan’s wife. After all, she was generous enough to share her private business so we could all take sides and judge.

Also I don’t like the table.

How can you not like a table that you know nothing about?

Original poster
WonderfulSmith · 31/08/2025 09:29

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 31/08/2025 09:24

reminds me of the Pete and Dawn’s vow renewal in Gavin and Stacey - when she realised he’d chosen a hideous ring 😂 in this YouTube clip from 2:40 onwards

Yes! It was exactly like that. Actually can Dawn play Mrs Alan in the production.

OP posts:
Ratafia · 31/08/2025 09:28

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 22:52

Alan didn’t say a word the whole time. She came in shouting ‘you’ve done what? What table?’ Alan indicates the table. ‘Oh bloody hell, oh that’s horrible, oh it’s disgusting. And you’ve ordered it? Well you can just bloody cancel it then’.
She then stomped out, carrying the dog.
Alan then went over to the cash desk and said ‘I’m in trouble, I’m not going to cancel though.’

Show quote history

Sounds like she was going to hate it whatever he bought, even if it was the most beautiful piece of furniture in the world.