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Was anyone else at Snape Maltings today? Did Alan get his table?

538 replies

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 22:31

Before I start I know it’s none of my business and I’m a bad person I’m sure but…

I was at Snape Maltings today which is a nice arts centre with a lovely shop selling all sorts of home wares and furniture. It’s very quiet and sedate.
Anyway, a woman started yelling at her husband. The whole place was pretending not to listen while giving each other looks. Turned out that he had ordered a perfectly innocent side table without talking to her about it first. She demanded that he cancel the order and he refused. He sat down on a sofa in the shop and she went and sat in the car. Every so often she’d come back and stick her head around the door, tell him the table was disgusting, and stomp back out.

When we left, Alan was still sat on the sofa. But I want to know how it ended. Are they still there now? Did Alan cancel the order?

Were any of you there?

OP posts:
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19
the80sweregreat · 31/08/2025 13:55

I haven’t seen the table , was there a photo or image of it that I’ve missed?
Even if this Alan does get his way , I bet Mrs Alan will make sure the best coasters are mysteriously missing when she has a hot cup in her hand to put down or a swift kick to it when his not looking ( oh dear, it’s been damaged ) or a quick run in with the Dyson.
’ It’ll have to go in the man shed now’ tee hee. I fear that the tables destiny isn’t great at Alan’s place.

NoBinturongsHereMate · 31/08/2025 13:55

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 30/08/2025 23:02

It’s a bloody side table! How bad can one of those really be. The he only reason I’d be irritated by a side table in our house is there’s nowhere to put it without falling over it.

There used to be a furniture shop at the corner of Euston Road and Tottenham Court Road that would have given you a comprehensive answer to that question.

I suspect it's long gone, but if it still existed something like this would be at the 'plain' end of their range: https://hampshirebarninteriors.co.uk/shop/occasional-furniture/lamp-coffee-tables/ornate-flower-plant-stand-or-lamp-stand-cherub-design-gold-leaf/

Ornate Flower / Plant Stand Or Lamp Stand Cherub Design Gold Leaf

Ornate Flower / Plant Stand Or Lamp Stand Cherub Design Gold Leaf - Hampshire Barn Interiors

APPROX DIMENSIONS height 71 cm x base circumference 39 cm x top circumference 35 cm

https://hampshirebarninteriors.co.uk/shop/occasional-furniture/lamp-coffee-tables/ornate-flower-plant-stand-or-lamp-stand-cherub-design-gold-leaf

SadTimesInFife · 31/08/2025 13:53

Maybe Mrs Alan will be laying a new patio ...

hotchocdrinker · 31/08/2025 13:51

I work on the snape Maltings site and am here today! I may pop over to the shop later and see what I can find out…!

zingally · 31/08/2025 13:49

Other people's domestics are endlessly interesting!

I was on a cruise a couple of years ago and an elderly man had misplaced his wife somewhere on the ship. There was an announcement over the speakers along the lines of "Please could Janet Smith please make her way to the customer service desk, where her husband is waiting."

I happened to be relaxing in a chair fairly near the desk, so was there when Janet appeared. And she was MAD. She proceeded to scream bloody murder at him, including phrases such as "I hope you DIE!" "I wish you were dead!" etc etc.
It was not terribly becoming of a woman solidly in her mid-70s. Her poor husband just stood there, while embarrassed looking ships crew bustled around, trying to defuse her.

I hope Alan enjoys his table!

ItsNotYou852 · 31/08/2025 13:47

So we still don't know?
I've rushed back from the car boot to find out if Alan held his ground :-(
Must admit it's a fairly hideous table, but I have a feeling that Alan has been oppressed and overlooked all his life and it's time he had a say in their home decor!
#teamAlan

Hotflushesandchilblains · 31/08/2025 13:45

I am going to imagine this is a second marriage - they are struggling to integrate their tastes, and this is the final straw for the new Mrs Alan. Bet he hates her dog too.

onestepinfrontoftheother · 31/08/2025 13:37

I'm waiting for a thread to appear in relationships from Mrs Alan of her version of the story. Will she be advised to get all her ducks in a row and LTB?!

Picoloangel · 31/08/2025 13:31

This has put me in a classic - for me - dither. I can’t pick a side and I’ve been to Snape Maltings and bought some glittery bird Xmas decorations. Ok but they are better than I’m making them sound.

I am Team Alan for his sofa sit in - who says you can’t be comfy when exercising your right to freedom of expression? Wonder if he had a takeaway hot beverage and WiFi good enough to do the Wordle whilst he waited. 🤔

On the other hand the table looks like something DC might have made in Technology and Design. £175 you say? Goes out to garden to check for fallen tree branches…

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 31/08/2025 13:29

AuxArmesCitoyens · 31/08/2025 13:27

I love Snape Maltings! the boat trip is brilliant irrelevant I once saw a couple having a blazing row in an intercity train. She yeeted his suitcase out the door just as it closed. Next stop was 350 miles down the track 😬

Cripes! What happened next?

fromthegecko · 31/08/2025 13:27

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 31/08/2025 13:15

Or, for a lovely dark version, the Inside Number Nine/League of Gentlemen people. Steve Pemberton as Alan, Reese Shearsmith as Mrs Alan, Mark Gatiss as OP.

I'm seeing a Rashomon version in which the three actors take it in turn to play the three parts, to totally different effect.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 31/08/2025 13:27

Beachtastic · 31/08/2025 10:27

Blimey. Hell hath no fury like a woman's colour scheme scorned 🤣

😂

AuxArmesCitoyens · 31/08/2025 13:27

I love Snape Maltings! the boat trip is brilliant irrelevant I once saw a couple having a blazing row in an intercity train. She yeeted his suitcase out the door just as it closed. Next stop was 350 miles down the track 😬

LeavesOnTrees · 31/08/2025 13:17

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 31/08/2025 13:13

And it would have a tooth-achingly saccharine happy ending. No, British it has to be. Nick Park and Aardman Animation could do it justice.

Yes, plus an American couple would have no doubt already gone for therapy and talked about their feelings.

Alan and Mrs Alan have obviously had years of resentment and frustration building up to reach this point.

TheMousePipes · 31/08/2025 13:15

The posters who think this is an odd thread clearly haven't been here very long - this is a proper old school mn thread.
Team Alan all the way here, and really hoping for a post breakfast report.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 31/08/2025 13:15

Or, for a lovely dark version, the Inside Number Nine/League of Gentlemen people. Steve Pemberton as Alan, Reese Shearsmith as Mrs Alan, Mark Gatiss as OP.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 31/08/2025 13:13

Scentedjasmin · 31/08/2025 09:55

I'm laughing so much!! You are so right! And they would shoehorn a racoon into an outdoor scene of bucolic English bliss.

And it would have a tooth-achingly saccharine happy ending. No, British it has to be. Nick Park and Aardman Animation could do it justice.

LeavesOnTrees · 31/08/2025 13:12

I agree with not letting the Americans get hold of the televised dramatisation. This is a very British middle class scenario.

The supprting cast of shoppers would have to be able to portray the silent shock and horror of someone yelling in such a naice public place, but also be secretly thrilled, whilst trying catch surreptitious glances at the warring couple.

Does anyone else picture Alan as someone who's spent his entire working life in a boring but well paid office job, never reaching the top to big boss level ?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 31/08/2025 13:00

John Finnemore could write the book, perhaps.

BadAmbassador · 31/08/2025 12:59

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g I was going to say that about Neil Hanson 🤣 The loveliest Neil.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 31/08/2025 12:57

LlynTegid · 31/08/2025 10:21

The late Neil Innes lived in or near Snape for a long time, indeed I think it was featured in one of his tv shows.

If you were to make a drama out of it, Neil were he alive today could do the music or act as the peacemaker. I think Roger Allam would be ideal as Alan.

Neil Hannon would do a good job.

Glorious thread!

NoCureForLove · 31/08/2025 12:55

Wasn't there but drove past about an hour ago Grin

MrsSlocombesCat · 31/08/2025 12:53

pambeesleyhalpert · 30/08/2025 22:39

There’s a video on TT atm where a woman is screaming at a man for being Parked outside her bfs house- the man Had broken down, wasn’t parked. She got her bf out and he was explaining as well and he was looking at her like she was mad. The update Was that he broke up with her after that because she was acting like a lunatic. His name was Alan as well so I wonder if he’s the same Guy 🙈

A lot of those types of videos on TT are acted, not real.

LillyPJ · 31/08/2025 12:49

CaptainMyCaptain · 31/08/2025 12:28

Whenever a Mumsnet thread turns nasty and I think of packing it in a thread like this reminds me what I like about it.

I agree. How come this thread is stuffed with wit and humour, yet most other threads are so sadly lacking in these qualities? It's baffling.

ADifferentDay · 31/08/2025 12:44

Cardwell Garden Centre in Lunderston Bay in Inverclyde (Scotland) is the same. I've never been to Snape Maltings but I know exactly what you mean from having been to Cardwell Garden Centre. Fantastic place btw.

https://cardwellgardencentre.co.uk/

Cardwell Garden Centre – Award Winning Garden Centre – Scotland

https://cardwellgardencentre.co.uk

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