Funniest thing said by a soon-to-be mother about the reality of life with children?

"I am not going to buy any branded toys."

Three and a half years later, my house looks like the island of fecking Sodor.

My mate, who is lovely, had a baby 3 months after I had DS1.

She hadn't a clue. This is the woman who had in her hospital bag when she gave birth tampons and thongs

Anyway, she used to come out with gems luike "Oh, I will ghave a weeks off work, then I';lll ease myself back into it in the second week. I can work from hom,e because the baby will be asleep all day"

She also said "Oh, I'll never be one of these mother you see who sit in thier dressing gowns all day. I'll always make sure I ;look nice, because there's no excuse for looking shit, is there?"

Cue 3 months poist-partum, she wasn't able to work, sleep, brush her teeth or have a shower because her DS screamed ALL DAY. I did warn her....

"baby will only play with beautifully, hand-crafted, traditional wooden toys. Vulgar plastic toys will not be allowed"

"I am having this baby completely on my terms"

Nearly five months on she is still co-sleeping and breast feeding on demand around the clock.

children are only as much work as you allow them to be. MY child will know who's boss!

3y later I meekly accept that i am slightly lower on the food chain than Thomas the Tank Engine (but still higher than dh)

Every single post on here is spot on! v.funny and v.true.

When pregnant with Ds1 "my baby won't have a dummy, people only use them to shut their babies up"

When Ds2 was born "FFS someone get me some bloody dummies!!!"

I can remember that when DS1 was a newborn I read a newspaper column where the journo said something like 'I always wait until my DCs have asked for something at least twice before I haul myself over and do it for them.'

I piously thought, 'That is terrible and fails to respect their emerging sense of self. I would either do what they wanted immediately, or explain to them carefully why Mummy won't do that for them just now.'

I always used to wonder why mothers let their toddlers wander round with snotty noses all the time

Now I realise it's because toddlers are made of snot and leftover breakfast

' ds wont wear primark just next etc' yeah right that happened! 'oh no he will sleep in a cot' when a friend told me she co slept. 'i am gonna stop bf when he is one. Followed by i will stop when he is two!' oh and i am gonna sleep train ds!

Mine will never make the mess your children do I will tell them to tidy it up!!! - go on then tell them see what happens!!

childbirth doesn't hurt as much as women say
and terry nappies aren't that much more work than disposables. From same woman came the old,'Why bother having them if you're going out to work' line.

friend's dh to her while she was pregnant with her first "brilliant, what are you going to study while you're on mat leave? You could get a new qualification!"

"how hard can it be? All they do is sleep, eat and poo" - that was me. Yeah, right.

Before she had DS1 my sister said "I can't wait for baby to come, all they do is sleep for the first few months so I'll be able to get loads done on maternity leave!" And she showed me her "Dream List" of everything she was going to achieve throughout baby's first few months of life. Nearly 6 years later, and 2 more sproglets later, she has done the grand total of ONE thing off that list: master breastfeeding. She has however got the most cute, smart and funny children, and has relaxed into a routine of barely organised chaos! The lesson she learnt was don't go into motherhood with any preconceived notions of what it's going to be like, and what you'll be able to do, just aim to get through each 24 hours in as sane a state of mind as possible! And she has also learnt that having 3 children under the age of 6 is actually less work than one PFB.

I was very fit and a bit of a gym bunny before I was pregnant and thought that I was going to be one of those (annoyingly) fit pregnant women who keep on exercising thoroughout. My body had other ideas though, and I was one of the those pregnant women who can't make it up the stairs without getting breathless and needing to lean against a wall for 5 minutes.

I used to look at other people's kids and think how dirty and grubby they looked. I thought my child would always be pristine. How wrong I was...

Hotchocscot - my dd did something similar but minus the vomiting (thankfully). I had a changing mat full of runny poo that dd was sliding up and down in before I managed to get my Mum to hear my anguished shrieks and rescued dd from imminent drowning in poo.... I don't know why it never occurred to me to simply take her out of the cot instead of trying to clean up around her....!!

Moral of the story: do not take a nappy off a baby until you have spare vest, nappy, wipes etc to hand and not on the other side of the room.

"I'm looking forward to not being pregnant so DH and I can have sex again!"

My friend said this at antenatal classes. It was her first and my second. I thought, 'Good luck!'

LOL at BBM too, that is just the best har har. Remember friend telling me about one of her early nappy changes with new dd. Nappy off, baby weed on her hand, then major runny poo, then as she was trying to control the poo flooding over the mat the little darling vom'd up her feed everywhere and then sneezed more milk and snot onto her mums face and neck. She did the only thing possible: shouted "full house!" and dumped them both into a nice warm bath.

Mine, i'll never do that gross sniffing nappybum thing in public. Riiiiigght....

Wait til she catches the first poo floating in the bath - mind when my dd did this to me, I could feel something hard pushing out of her bottom and wondered what the hell it was!! Baby wee is also a good way to find out that you'd cut your finger on a piece of paper and failed to notice it at the time. Ouch.

hahaha BBM - and what were her top tips for missing the projectile vomit?????

very recently from a soon to be first-time mum....

'I won't be using cloth nappies as I don't want to get any of my baby's body-fluids anywhere near me'

Lol at these. I was one of the "never watch tv, never eat sugar," brigade. How tragically wrong I was.