Funniest thing said by a soon-to-be mother about the reality of life with children?

Before getting approved to adopt you have to submit a detailed application with all sort of spiel about what a great parent you are going to be. Here's a quote from "my typical day"...

7.00am Alarm goes off. Get out of bed, go to bathroom and get fully dressed. Put on washing machine and radio.
7.15am If children already awake, play a little until breakfast time. Have cup of tea and take coffee up to DH. Unload dishwasher. Set breakfast table with help from kids.
7.30am We all eat breakfast together including fruit or juice and relevant multivitamins, etc. and put stuff in dishwasher/clear table. Feed cats and dog.

Read this recently to DH who was on the floor laughing

Whilst pregnant with my 1st DS (now 2 and a half years old)

'I'm never using a dummy - they look awful and surely a tired child will go to sleep eventually....???'

and this little gem...

'I'm thinking of learning another language while I'm on maternity leave and when the baby is tiny - I'm bound to have loads of quiet time'

Now I'm 8 and a half months pregnant with my second child and I'm grateful to actually get the pair of us dressed some days!!

Oh the naivety of youth...!

I think I left work to go on maternity leave with the immortal words, "I'm off for my nine month holiday... bye losers!"

They must have p*ssed themselves laughing at my naivety!

Brilliant thread.
From DH when I was 8 months pg, "I'm really looking forward to paternity leave and having a couple of weeks off work. I mean really, how hard can it be?"
Followed by (about 6 weeks later), "It's only 2 days 3 hours and 47 minues till I go back to work, THANK GOD"
Also, 3 days before my due date, "I've just seen a really nice house for sale and was thinking that we could put ours on the market now and maybe have a couple of viewings while I'm on paternity leave. After all the baby will be asleep most of the time." Hahahahahahah.
I thought that I could do without television, now our TV automatically tunes itself to Cbeebies as soon as you switch it on.

Loving this thread. I remember visiting friends before having DD, and being amazed when the dad said that the daughter would only eat toast when it was cut into triangles - I was sure that my child would never be that fussy .

If you want to give store brand yogurt character, simply leave it in the fridge for an extra month

I still don't understand why we buy "character" yoghurt.

newly pregnant, I purchased a parenting manual and said brightly to my DP, "it'll be fine, it says here all I have to do is get it into a routine. Why doesn't everyone do that?" He (the eldest of five) shook his head and sighed.

Said by me while pregnant and also by 2 pregnant friends who are due next month:

"Pregnancy gets you used to the sleepless nights. I'm up loads in the night at the moment so I'll cope with it fine."

What i didn't relaise was that there is a huge difference between waking up yourself and having a screaming baby waking you right as you're getting to sleep.

I did tell this to my pregnant friends, but they just gave me that look of "things will be different for me" that I'm sure i gave friends with children when they were trying to tell me the reality.

I said "why do parents buy expensive character yoghurt? Our DD will be quite happy with supermarket own brand".

Loving this thread!

While pregnant for second time "if it's a girl she will wear her brother's old clothes" (carefully kept in bags in loft)...do I even need to expand? Let's just say there is a white wash, a dark wash...and a pink wash.

Also did the "Will only have hand-made wooden toys" (as she looks at repulsive My Little Pony 3-storey plastic monstrosity in middle of my bedroom).

From my sil due in about 10 days:
"I'll get the baby in a good routine. I can't cope with being tired"

'When she's a toddler, I'll have a special Hard Stare - sort of firm but loving ? that will stop her in her tracks and make her stop behaving badly'.

Ha.

Franny, I had the next-door neighbour thing too. On overhearing their two-year-old crying for yet another night, I decided she must be really ill to be in that much pain all the time. It's not as if she's a baby or anything. In fact, maybe she's got a terminal illness or something? That poor child.

Now I've got a nearly two-year-old, and I realise this is completely normal.

I remember a friend telling me she was going to use her maternity leave to learn Italian.

We were never going to go to soft play because we couldn't think why you would want to spend your time in a grim warehouse when you could be camping and walking in the great outdoors. 'The Lake District will be our soft play area!' we declared.
We do go to the Lake District, but thank God for the soft play area on the top floor of Rheged.

Flumpydumpy, you've got to give your colleague some credit - she has the 'complete lack of dignity, will discuss completely inappropriate and personal things with near strangers' part of motherhood off pat already, she could be a natural.

I either have amnesia or had very low expectations of myself, I don't remember having many, if any of these illusions! I DID think I'd sleep when the baby slept, no one told me they don't ALL sleep, even at the very start.

I did swear I'd never spit on a tissue for face-cleaning purposes, and in my defence it took over four years for me to resort to it (couple of weeks ago). I think I may have licked her face clean WITHOUT the use of a tissue when she was about two though.

it's an arse if it's wearing a stinky nappy!

arse??? My kiddie doesn't have an arse, he has a lovely bottom!

I remember swearing I'd never lift up my kid and sniff it's arse- thought that was so gross when I saw mothers doing that to check if the nappy was full....now I do it at least 4 times a day....

lissie - she didnt understand my but I'm a good patent sister and never said 'I told you so!' lol.

A former work colleague once said to me - "when DW has our first child she's going to take the opportunity to get the house decorated"!!! I had to get myself up off the floor before I could answer that one.

I also have to confess to one myself (pre-children). Once, when DH and I were round a good friend of ours with 3 children I whispered "I can't understand why she has to shout at them". My DH likes to remind me of that one occassionally.

isnt it strange how clubbing tired is totally different to baby tired?