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Original poster

To be heartbroken about a birthday party

447 replies

AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman · 19/07/2023 22:16

My DS is having a birthday party at the weekend. He recently turned 12, so just started secondary school. But it’s a special school, and DS’s disability means that developmentally he is still very much in the market for a party in our garden with pass the parcel, musical statues, duck duck goose etc. He’s invited his whole -small- class and is beyond excited. His is the first party invitation I’ve been aware of at his school this year.

So far so good? A lot of his classmates are coming which is wonderful. I wasn’t certain if they would. I think it’s going to be a success. The problem is I just can’t take reading the RSVPs from the other parents any more.

So many of these kids are charmingly, innocently, enormously excited. Reading the invitation daily in anticipation I’m told. Some I hear are very nervous to attend a social thing but utterly determined to see it through. I suspect these reactions are because party invitations are incredibly rare for these kids and I’ve been pushing the thought away as it makes me weepy.

Then today I got a very explicit RSVP- the boy’s mum said he will definitely attend and wants to bring a big present as it’s his first ever party invitation- at the age of 12. I’ve been sobbing every time I read it.

AIBU to be heartbroken that a child can get to secondary school without receiving a single invitation ever? How is that possible? I know the answer of course- it’s discrimination, ignorance, fear. A taste of the exclusion they can expect their whole lives. It’s a crying shame. I wish I knew what to do to help other than keep encouraging my DS to be friendly. I hope, I hope, my party planning is up to the task and they have the time of their lives.

OP posts:
ItcanbeDone · 20/07/2023 19:50

I do worry about this with my youngest, she has Down Syndrome, is absolutely the sweetest happiest little soul, and I am so excited about her making her first little friends and being invited to parties, but at the same time so nervous and so terrified she will be left out...we all have these fears as parents but when your child has to already fight for so much that others take for granted, the normality of a birthday invite can be the absolute most monumental thing ever. Your boy deserves to have the most wonderful amazing day, and so do you! <3

Cadburysucks · 20/07/2023 19:49

Not the subject of the post but I have never ever had a birthday party.

Weemumofone · 20/07/2023 19:46

Know how you feel. Whilst not exactly the same, my son hasn’t been invited to a party since nursery. He’s now 9. COViD has its part to play but he’s had small parties since and his friends have had small parties too but he wasn’t invited. Heartbreaking when he said that “Friend is my best friend but I guess I’m not his”. Can’t help but feel sad and worry that somehow I’ve done something wrong as I’m not part of the mums group 😢

Mog37 · 20/07/2023 19:36

Happy 12th birthday to your DS! Hoping he and his friends have an amazing party!

JellyTipisthebest · 20/07/2023 19:34

It only takes one parent to be brave to start including to be come the norm in a year group. We moved country the class my child joined had been at school 18mth the child with Downs syndrome had been a school longer I think but not sure, he had never had a invite. My daughter didn't want the whole class but did want "Matty" it was a clip and climb party. My daughter sent the invites and all the children were excited Matty was coming but as his mum was working his after school carer was coming to. To cut a long story short Matty ended up being given a free go on the big slide and the whole party stopped to cheer him on. When he had done it he was the party hero they were hy five him and telling him he was so brave they couldn't do that. All totally prompted. But as well as that the few kids left to have parties that year all invited him.

fifteenfifty · 20/07/2023 19:32

Having a tiny cry reading this. What a wonderful thing for you to do. I hope your lovely boy gets invitations to other parties now you've been brave and the other mums can see it is possible❤️

thatone · 20/07/2023 19:27

I hope they and you and your ds have a wonderful time.

PeapodBurgundy · 20/07/2023 19:20

This thread has surprised me in the best way. I'm sure you're doing a perfect job of party planning, and that they all have a wonderful time.

Thoughtful2355 · 20/07/2023 19:15

Yes thats heartbreaking :( Bless him!!!

HeliosSol · 20/07/2023 19:14

How lovely and heartwarming. Hope your DS and friends have a wonderful time.

Verystressedsenmum · 20/07/2023 19:03

Yep my son is in 6th form sen and has never been invited to a child’s party but it’s not the done thing . We have a birthday party for him but just family it’s very hard to organise so well done op . You op has made we feel emotional.
we went to dc prom this week and to see all the kids dancing and loving it so happy made me very emotional because it just made me happy to see them all happy .

Needesppressonow · 20/07/2023 19:03

I’m blubbing at your post, the party will be great and they will have the best time ever x

MzHz · 20/07/2023 19:00

Oh bless you @AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman , all the love in the world from me to you for making so many kids so very happy! So touching!

BronwenFrideswide · 20/07/2023 19:00

Aw OP, your party is already a success.

It's so sad to read that these children are normally excluded from parties, I don't understand why they cannot be invited and the invitee ask their parents if they would either stay or what suggestions they have for making sure the children are not overwhelmed.

This sums it up:

As a single mum to 2 DC with additional needs this is a message to all parents planning a party and unsure whether to invite my DC. Yes please please invite them, tell me you're unsure about it and I'll happily answer any and all questions you have. I'll hang around and be another adult helper, I'll make it as easy as possible for you so that my DC attending is no different to any other kids you've invited, no you don't have to change all your plans to accommodate my DC just crack on and plan whatever your DC wants it's their party after all and I'll make any adjustments if necessary discreetly so my DC can enjoy it the same as all the other kids. Being ignored and left out is massively more upsetting than being asked what you might think is a rude question.

Countingdowntodecember · 20/07/2023 18:55

That’s so bittersweet. I’m so pleased that you’re making so many children happy (and hope that your son has the best birthday!), but it’s so sad that these children have been excluded so far.

Thank you for reminding me how important it is to raising children who understand the importance of inclusion and ask parents how to accommodate their children Flowers.

LivingInaBuildingSite · 20/07/2023 18:50

My Ds2 has SEN.

He went through a stage of loving a particular party entertainer (saw him the first time when he was politely invited as a sibling to a friend of DS1’s party, I was stuck for childcare so took him thinking it would be a challenge).

So for a few years running we had a party in a church hall with this entertainer and invited loads of the SEN kids from DS2’s school.

Not only was it the only invite most of them ever got, they learnt it would be the same (exactly the same lol!) every year which gave them more confidence every year to come again and to gradually enjoy more of it.

He’s grown out of it all now (he’s 15) but we all look back fondly on those few parties they could all enjoy.

And kudos to the entertainer who adapted his programme for them, then kept it the same!

well done to you and good luck with the party, I’m sure it will be brilliant!

ExpressCheckout · 20/07/2023 18:41

It's going to be a great day OP - hard work, yes - but fab for the children and a good opportunity for mums and dads to mingle too🎂

Zeroperspective · 20/07/2023 18:26

As a single mum to 2 DC with additional needs this is a message to all parents planning a party and unsure whether to invite my DC. Yes please please invite them, tell me you're unsure about it and I'll happily answer any and all questions you have. I'll hang around and be another adult helper, I'll make it as easy as possible for you so that my DC attending is no different to any other kids you've invited, no you don't have to change all your plans to accommodate my DC just crack on and plan whatever your DC wants it's their party after all and I'll make any adjustments if necessary discreetly so my DC can enjoy it the same as all the other kids. Being ignored and left out is massively more upsetting than being asked what you might think is a rude question.
OP I hope all the children have an amazing time at the party and that you've factored in some time to relax and recharge after!

TowerRaven7 · 20/07/2023 18:23

Yanbu. I’m sure they will all have a wonderful time and don’t let it cloud your happiness of his party!

Boo1983 · 20/07/2023 18:21

Don't be sad, be joyous that your son's invitation has brought such excitement to other people. Now that boy has had an invitation, he no longer has never been invited to anything. Maybe now, other parents may not be so nervous of hosting a party (a stressful event for any parent!) and more invitations will follow, but even if they don't, you can smile at the fact that yours has brought so much happiness xx

TerfTalking · 20/07/2023 18:21

Awwww mate how awesome, tears 😭 here. My DB now 60 with LD and went to a special school has never had an invite anywhere outside the family. I am glad that, at least some people, are now more accepting.

I hope they have the time of their lives xx

laveritable · 20/07/2023 18:20

Let us know how it goes OP!

have a wonderful day everyone!

Angua2112 · 20/07/2023 18:19

It’s all too common. When my daughter was at special school there were only a couple of parties. Sadly at one only a couple of people showed up. We did have a couple for my daughter.
The other thing that always struck me as sad was that we only ever had 1 official school photo in 17 years ( nursery at 2 until y13). It felt so wrong.

CollagenQueen · 20/07/2023 18:19

You sounds like a WONDERFUL Mother. I have just welled up there, and that's not like me at all. How lovely you sounds. It will be spectacular, I bet! xx

Cakeandcardio · 20/07/2023 18:18

Wasn't expecting this! I'm crying now too. I hope you and your son and all of his friends have a lovely time!