Bit her during labour

I was on a train with my chin resting on my then partners shoulder. For some reason I sank my teeth in. I had no idea I was even doing it until he said ouch! I left a massive bruise. And I wasn't even in labour!

I couldn't get comfy and was surrounded by them shit hospital pillows, contractions were rolling into each other so i was swearing like a trooper and a midwife told me to be quite as there was a triage full of ladies outside. I ended up throwing a pillow at her then begged her for another canister of gas😂😂

[quote MirandaMarple]@Peoniesandpeaches a palliative care nurse asked my Dad to stop swearing in grave pain days before he died. I did briefly consider it unnecessary of the nurse but I guess who wants such aggressive words to add to such fraught times? The nurse suggested my Dad used an alternative word, and he did, bless him (he was quite a sweary man but also an extremely polite and thoughtful one) The nurse was wonderful though, he gave me a big non-compliant hug (during COVID) when my Dad died. [/quote]
How strange! I worked in hospice for a bit and we were told on day one: the studies are published and they prove that swearing can help relieve pain, and some of our patients are in the worst pain of their lives, so just treat it like any other word in the dictionary (I feel all midwives should be told this, too ). Of course, everywhere is going to be different.

I told DH in what I thought was a discrete whisper, but in reality wasn't that the registrar looked like a Blue Peter presenter.

I took a huge irrational dislike to the midwife for #2.

She was very young & had a breezy 'so Corvus, the anaesthetist who does the epidurals - well, he's a bit busy ' manner.

& I decided she was being deliberately horribly patronising, which in retrospect she probably wasn't, just quite young & inexperienced, & not sure how to deal with me snarling at her that I'd had a baby already & what did she know because she was fucking twelve anyway & to shut the fuck up about telling me whether I needed an epidural or not. I was vile.

Then my waters broke. When I say 'broke', I mean 'exploded'. Poor midwife was examining me at the time & caught the full tsunami. There was amniotic fluid dripping off her eyelashes, her earlobes, her nose...

Me: oh god, sorry!

Midwife: I'm probably not supposed to say this, but I massively admire your timing - 'fuck off' then whooooosh! That's definitely me told....

Dd1 appeared a few minutes later. Midwife & I high fived each other.

I really hope that young midwife went on over the last 15 years to a very happy career in midwifery...she was actually bloody awesome.

I took my nightie off and lassoed it across the room as the sister was opening the door. Pretty sure everyone at the nurses station seem everything!

With dc5 I was much more active and mobile than I had been in other labours. I was walking round and found the contractions most bearable bent over pushing down with my arms. The most convenient thing to push on was DH's waist band. I pushed so hard his trousers fell down!

With DS the midwife told me NOT to push during an upcoming contraction but I really couldn't help it, I pushed and my waters broke. I say broke - they exploded. All over Julie the midwife. It was dripping from her fringe and to make matters worse DS had poo'd inside me so she had shit + vaginal fluid in her hair.

I was really irritated during labour with DD because the Aldi baby event had started that day and I wanted to buy a few things. I spent a long time talking at length about various Aldi baby products. Eventually the midwife offered to go with me once DD was out.

Funnily enough I had 3 Julie's

Has this thread been nominated for Classics yet making me laugh so much!
I wanted to punch both the midwife (swiped my fizzy drink saying "oh I don't think so", and the doctor who told me that second babies were always easier and quicker births (after 22hrs in labour with my 2nd, who has always been bloody awkward!). Doctor was wrong! Told my ex husband - in front of my mum - that pethidine seemed like something good to try "recreationally". And refused to let the nurses help me go to the toilet following an epidural despite not being able to walk properly. Good times.

When birthing dc2 I was told to pant by the midwife, so on all fours there I was tongue out panting like a dog. I can still see the midwife's 'wadda plonker' face.

A friend yanked a poor midwife into the pool!

I think you need to nickname your sister “sausage”, own the joke 🤣

All three midwives in the room with me were. named Fiona, and we're joking that I'd definitely have to name the baby Fiona if it was a girl.

Me?

Fuck off why would I name it Fiona?!

Which was forgivable as I was off my face. Less forgivable that I told that story when I brought the new baby into my office, and told the story to two separate Fionas

I shit myself

I grabbed a massive handful of DH’s chest hair (through his shirt, he wasn’t topless) and pulled/twisted it at the height of one contraction grin

This made me laugh out loud

Never hold a labouring woman's hand if you want it back in one piece

I bit DH's arm - hard!

Thank you all-these are great. I'm very sad tonight & laughing through my tears is really helping

The shame after mind 🙈 I bit my mum during one of my labours, the midwife told me off 😳