Bit her during labour

Here I am, after the craziest shift on a paeds ward, only just getting my tea now.. and I come across @Mumvschildren 's post. My God, I may be returning to the hospital for aspiration pneumonia, there is cottage pie in my lung. I have NEVER laughed so hysterically in all my life. Thank you for this post, you are all heroes, and I have a sudden urge to become a midwife now and not a neonatal nurse hahaha

Told DH, after epidural failed twice, that I was going to 'run away with my new friend the epidural lady as she had more to offer than him...' she got it to work just before I was going to push.

I kicked my midwife. As I was going down for an emergency c section after being in labour for hours she said something like I bet those pains are not so bad now . ( I had told them epidurals did not work on me and they would not believe me ) I just kicked out and said F off . ( I never swear)

They had to administer another anesthetic in the end and I did get an apology later . But it was the angriest I had ever been.

I'm SO relieved to read so many other women say they hallucinated either during or after! I had a shit load of gas and air then when I was wheeled up to the ward after having DD I was seeing dinosaurs in the shadows of the people in the next cubicle. I genuinely feared I was experiencing postpartum psychosis and kept it to myself. This was 2.5 years ago and even up until recently when I've reflected back it always worried me. PHEW!

@Costumeidea 'I'm a glove puppet!'

Oh god, just so funny

I spent hours wanting an epidural. Finally got one. Waited so bloody long for baby to descend and was told I'd be able to push at x time. X time came and went. New midwife came on duty and told me I'd have to wait another hour. After about 45 minutes of bloody despair I thought, fine, I'll wipe my sweaty smeared make up off and reapply as I was just stuck on my back, pain free doing nothing. 10 minutes later the new midwife reappeared saying "push now". I told her she could bloody well wait until I'd finished as she'd made me wait. She did. New face applied, I pushed baby out within ten minutes. Of all the times to be bloody minded

My midwife (dd2 birth) kept getting snotty with me when I asked for pain relief and didn't get me any for hours so when I finally got an epidural, I offered the anaesthetist and his assistant a kitkat and then looked at the midwife and said "You're not getting one!"
I was so angry with her lol

I am not normally confrontational but after the birth of DD, I kept insisting to anyone who would listen that there was another one in there and would they please get it out. There wasn't .

I had a contraction whilst the midwife’s hand was inside me, nothing she could do but wait for it to subside. I was bellowing ‘I’m a glove puppet’ and bit down so hard on the gas and air that I chipped my front tooth.

Oh dear 🤣 Well, I can't say I was much better OP! I was biting onto the bed railing on all fours whilst a midwife massaged my back in labour. All of my contractions were in my lower back, had already had two morphine injections, which didn't touch the pain

Was eventually taken up to the labour ward for an epidural. Fell asleep sitting up whilst the anaesthetised was trying to explain it to me. In my defence I had been awake for over two days by this point! Who was not impressed...

High as kite, apparently I was upset that it wasn't the same radio station as I'd been listening to in the birthing suit and was quite upset about it, then went onto to tell my DP that his shorts were dirty (he wasn't wearing shorts) and that I was going to buy him a new pair. Much to his confusion

In my defence: that was after gas and air(two hours worth), pethidine and an epidural.

I reached for and missed my spouse's hand during labour -- got him by the back of the neck and squeezed, dragging his giant built like a shit brick house self half off his feet (I'm a foot shorter and significantly less than half his weight, he had to catch himself on the side of the bed to not fall on me).

Same labour, he told me I was doing good and I gave him a grammar lecture that I am not 'doing good', it's I am doing well and I am NOT doing well either!

I told the mil to fuck off (I was in lots of pain and wanted my partner to get off the phone to her). I called the midwife a drug pusher. And then after being examined by Dr ghandi, I made a joke about the dalai llama arriving when I heard a knock at the door. 😬

The young (and clearly inexperienced, poor thing) midwife that was told to stay with me after everyone else abandoned XH and I for an emergency next door gave me a plastic bottle of something to grip onto as apparently XH's hand was hurting where I'd gripped it so hard.

I could see the alarm on her face when I came close to breaking that bottle, and she issued urgent instructions to XH to get it off me, and give me something else.

There ensued a tug of war between me and XH- him trying to unclasp my fingers and me not understanding what he was doing (due to being out of my head on gas and air) and apparently I bared my teeth at him and growled at him. I can still remember him feebly telling the midwife that he couldn't get the bottle and she gave him a flannel and told him to offer me that in exchange, which apparently was perfectly acceptable to me.

That same midwife also told me off for screaming as I was pushing- I would "upset the other ladies". My response wasn't as polite as it could've been, tbh.

I told my mother "Why don't you go and have a sandwich, I'll be done here in ten minutes" as they were taking me to have a section.
Before she got there I was telling a student midwife all about ancient Rome whilst she was holding my hand.

A nurse ( coming back on duty) asked me what I had had and as lunch had just come around and I was still on meds from EmCS I said a lamb chop. I thought perhaps I had been given the wrong lunch as I hadn’t ordered it.She meant boy or girl. She didn’t let me live it down for the next few weeks. Baby was in SCUBA.

I was puffing away on the gas and air like nobodies business and was coming out with some nonsense- patchy epidural, might as well not have bothered ffs. Started wondering aloud how to get into the car park at the leisure centre on the Shore Road, then told DH to fuck off when he asked what I was on about. Then I started slagging off Gary Lightbody from Snow Patrol and saying he was a complete arsehole. No idea why, apparently he's lovely.

Gas and air gave me the exact same feeling as when you're on a night out and sit on the loo and realise when you're looking at the back of the cubicle door that you're really, really pissed.

Pethidine with my first, convinced I was a massive black and white huge pregnant cow rolling on its side on the hospital bed. Was telling everyone who would listen I was a big pregnant cow. I still remember through the pregnant cow fog my husband asking the midwife what on Earth was going on.

In the transition stage when in labour with DC3 I found myself wailing that I wanted to go home. All quite understandable, but I was having a home birth.

When I had dd there was quite a bit of excitement as I was to be their first vbac water birth and as it was late in the afternoon a few of the consultants popped in to see how it was all getting on. I was in active labour at this point so quietly asked my midwife “when are all the pointless bastards going to fuck off?”

Turns out I was actually not whispering but enunciating loudly and clearly.

I grabbed my student midwifes hand in panic and declared "I can't feel my legs"

They had administered my spinal for a C-section a minute before.

Midwife laughed and said "that's the point you dosy mare".... She was cracking!

I hallucinated in my sleep deprived state after the birth and thought my DD was a royal princess and I was employed as a wet nurse. I demanded my DH took her to the "other nanny" after a feed! 😳

To be fair, she has developed some princess like tenancies since...

I was out of my tree having just given birth and about to be whizzed off to surgery. Surgery prep team are buzzing round being brilliant and apparently I 'whispered' (clearly there's no whispering on pethidine) to DH 'haha, nobody knows I'm naked under this sheet!'

Considering I was in theatre five mins later with my knees round my ears, looking back I reckon they might have had an inkling 🤔

Not childbirth-related, but I recently had uterine surgery under sedation and was tripping balls on fentanyl.

I cheerfully greeted the lovely surgeon with "Hello bastard!", then proceeded to rant about "that fucking cat of yours, what an arsehole" to him for what undoubtedly felt like an eternity to the poor bloke. Especially when he didn't actually own a cat 😅

A friend of mine wants me to have another bash at fentanyl, she's convinced I could do better next time!