Bit her during labour

I became completely devoted to the gas and air mouthpiece I'd been using at home and insisted on keeping hold of it (not attached to gas and air) throughout ambulance journey and various attempts to get enormous DD out. I apparently growled like an animal and tried to bite anyone who attempted to prise it out of my hands. After emergency c-section my main concern was not for my DD but for the mouthpiece's whereabouts, and I cried when told it had been thrown away. Bloody weirdo.

Unplanned home birth with DD, Paramedics ambled in, obviously thinking there was no rush and then realised DD really was imminent. I was making the most guttural primal noises imaginable, totally starkers in front of two male paramedics, on my knees on the bathroom floor, bellowing in agony.
ExP: I told her to lie down, but she won't listen to me, you know what women are like
Me; I FUCKING HEARD THAT
Paramedic: Stop shouting, you're not helping yourself!
Me: STOP FUCKING SHOUTING AT ME (I think my head actually rotated 180 degrees at that point)

In my defence, it was a terrifyingly quick labour and ExP was far more of a hindrance than a help.

Oh no. Drugs make you do funny things.
I had surgery afterwards the surgeon came to reassure me all went well, it was late I was dazed when I was thanking him he was close to me as other patients were sleeping, I leaned to kiss him I'll never forget his face. 😂

I can't stop laughing at "I'm a glove puppet". 😂

With DC1 I asked them to take away the monkey they'd given me and give me my baby instead.

DC2 I had a water birth but my back pain was horrendous so I had way too much gas and air at the same time. I took great offence to the top I was wearing, stripped it off and flung it (sopping wet) right across the room when the midwife nipped out for a minute. She came back to find me completely starkers, floating in a star position with my vag facing the door to greet her as she entered.

To make it even worse she's the mum of a friend of mine and I still struggle to speak to her without imagining what I must have looked like to her.

When the contractions got bad I asked my DP to take off his belt so I could bite on it. He was confused but obliged.

Towards the end I was knackered and things weren't going well. I had the doctor and two nurses trying to keep me awake and telling me to push so I burst into tears and wailed "why won't they leave me alooone?" at DP.

All I'd had was an epidural so i can't even blame it on the drugs.

@IcantbelieveIjustdidthat

I've just noticed your username!

With my 4th and last I was expecting a home birth. My previous 2 had been fast and efficient. Then the Doctor told me he believed I was having a 10lb baby and he’d rather I had it in hospital in case of a shoulder getting stuck or something. I was pissed off as I’d had no issues with my previous 9lb14 baby, but in the end I went 2 weeks over so reluctantly agreed to an induction.

Duly arrived and went into labour spontaneously of course!

Started on the gas and air, within 3 minutes I’d noticed a sign on the wall about shoulder dystocia.

As the gas and air fuddled my brain I refused point blank to open my legs. I kept telling anyone that would listen that the baby was stuck and they needed to push it back up and let me go home.

My ex and DM were literally begging me to open my legs. Eventually my mum prised one leg out to be greeted with a baby that damned near torpedoed across the room.

She was 8lb 2 lol

@ImFallingApartAt27

100% normal apparently! I panicked and told midwife I was going nuts with Ds2. Kept seeing penguins dancing around an igloo with a little Eskimo fishing... I still now think what the hell! Apparently I was singing about Eskimos.
It's scary stuff!

Tried to bribe my midwife with free service in my line of work for an epidural - which I didn’t get

& with dc3 I was very insistent that I needed to go for a poo but I'd pop back from the loo afterwards & have the baby, it'd be fine, I just needed to take a dump first & then I'd definitely be ready to crack on with this giving birth malarkey.

It had to be gently explained that I was needing to push a baby out, not a poo, & yes the midwife was confident that this was the case because she'd caught & disposed of quite a lot of my shit not 10 minutes previously.

During my labour with youngest DD I bit my STBXH (no divorce yet due to covid). Except that I had just found out about the amount of cheating he had done, most of it during my pregnancy, so I did it on purpose and HARD.

He brought it up once to which I said "I bit you, you fucked every woman who would take you". Never mentioned it again oddly enough.

However.....my sister still brings up the fact that I was sort of self hypnotising myself during DC4's birth, she was there with my ex DH. Any noise put me off and I got cross at them talking over my head. Her version, which to be honest of fairly accurate, was me shouting "STOP FUCKING TALKING!!!!" and she kindly said that they were sorry and would be quiet but no, I wanted silence. What makes her laugh is that her and exDH were mouthing to each other (about me...was I ok? Should they call a midwife?) and I lost my shit and shouted "I CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING MIMING!!!!!" In my defence, I could! And it really was putting me off :o

This thread is everything, @mumsnet please can this go in Classics? I haven't laughed like this in forever.

I’d been in labour since first thing in the morning and by the time they had a shift change 12 hours later I was pretty out of it. I greeted the doctor who came in to check me over with “ooh you’re new! Well, I’m sure you’re not ‘new’, but, new to my vagina”.

Not quite at the pushing part, but after 12 hours in a very long & high risk labour at 5cm constant contractions close together, I launched myself up, waddled to the door down the corridor heading straight for the exit doors from maternity ward Shouting "I don't think I'll have a baby today, nope don't want to... I'm going home... I'll come back an' have the baby another day!"

They only caught up to me cos contractions stopped me

It took a bit of persuading tearful me that @... yes I did have to have the baby , we couldn't just push him back up again and do it another day.."

I have no idea what I was thinking but I blame the pethadine

@CovidCorvid Oh god it wasn't in Leicester was it? I apparently punched a midwife while in labour which was a surprise because I didn't know I could punch.

I felt fucking terrible when I was told.

In all of my labours, I've at some stage insisted on getting completely naked. After doing it the first time I swore not to do it again, as dc1 had some complications and it was a bit embarrassing to realise as he was placed on my chest that the room was pretty full of people who'd seen literally every inch of me, but still did it every time.

I was quite drugged up in my labour, I saw a dog in the room and asked why it was there.

I also told the midwife and everyone else in the room (could have been a marching band for all I knew) to stop telling me I was doing well.

My husband likened me to golum 🤣

Oh & after I had ds, I was happily pain free because of endorphins & the lingering effects of the epidural.

By the small hours, not so much. I felt like I'd been repeatedly kicked by a horse. Oral painkillers really weren't doing much for it.

Change of shift, new nurse takes one look at me, in a sobbing sweaty mess, & sorts out a suppository painkiller.

Great, so I'm bent over the bed with a stranger poking the suppository up my bum, as we make polite chat about how I teach at the local school, her nephews go there, ah yes I know the older one, etc etc.

Her dds subsequently also attended a few years later. Can't say I ever entirely got over the recollection, at parents' evening, that the woman I was chatting to about her kids' homework had had her finger up my bottom.

She was absolutely lovely, both as a nurse & as a student's parent, but I can't pretend it didn't feel slightly odd as I sternly informed her that young 'Bethany' definitely needed to pull her socks up in order to hit her GCSE target.

I was so off my face I genuinely forgot I was having a baby.

With DD I kept telling everyone that I'd had an epidural. She didn't come out for ages after I'd had it but everyone who came in got to know how I'd had an epidural, as if it was some new thing nobody else had ever had. Then I broke the gas and air thing when I bit down too hard, and screamed at DM and DH to fix it immediately or I would die. I couldn't swear because DM was there.

With DS it was just me and DH, so I swore a LOT. At one point I screamed and both he and the midwife told me off! I went fucking nuts at them! I still don't let DH forget how much of a dick he was at that moment, and DS is 3 But it was dickish... Apparently I couldn't scream because then I wouldn't be able to hear what the midwife thought I should do. Fuck off, at that point I was on all fours and I knew full well what to do!

Didn't have an epidural that time so it was just gas and air. I hallucinated that I was on X Factor. Whilst on all fours, naked from the waist down. Didn't say it out loud because thirty seconds later DS flew out and I only remembered it when I'd sobered up!

Labour with my first DC was a long back to back labour which I remember very little of as I was off my face and delirious with pain for the majority of it but highlights I’ve been told about numerous times after include.

Due to sucking on the gas and air pipe so hard my mouth went numb. I remember asking my DP once or twice if my teeth had fallen out as I could no longer feel them. According to Dp I actually asked “have I still got teeth?” and then opened my mouth for whoever was there to look, at least once a minute for well over 2 hours until everyone was about to go mad

I was also in a room near the midwife station and could clearly hear them discuss other patients and babies, for some reason I got it in my head they were filming an episode of one born every minute and constantly said that I didn’t want to be on TV, whilst everyone looked at me like

I was put on a syntocinon drip and was having back to back contractions with an epidural that didn’t work and was in agony and screaming and shouting constantly. A midwife told me to call down as I was scaring the other ladies at which point I shouted our in an almost demonic voice “I don’t give a fuck!!!!!”

After 60 hours in labour and a failed epidural which no one initially would believe hadn’t worked, a lovely new Anaesthetist put another epidural in which worked wonderfully. I told the anaesthetist I loved him repeatedly and the other one should be sacked, at which point the first anaesthetist walked into the room and I bellowed at him “get out you idiot you need to be sacked!

Not my finest moments

I remember biting DH on the shoulder. I wasn't hungry but I was on gas and air and pethidine and quite angry.

I also remember getting into a strop with the (amazingly calm and obviously wonderful) midwife. I was having a really tough moment and she was placating me with some soothing words of encouragement when I snapped "have you even ever given birth?".

"Yes" she replied. "I have four children".

Me: "Oh".