Bit her during labour

Holy God I rarely cry with laughter at a thread but this one is definitely a keeper!

A midwife told me to put my knickers back on and go home when I asked her why she was not helping me . She was helping me but there wasn't much else she could do. I was just exhausted by this point .

I was asked if I would agree to some student doctors observing the birth of my dd, first child. My dh was not keen but I told him to shut up and would not care if a dancing herd of elephants wanted to watch. That is so out of character for me. I was high on Pethadine.

I adored the gas and air. Best but about labour! Apart from the resulting baby of course. I hallucinated that Gene Hunt (Philip Glenister) from Life on Mars/Ashes to Ashes was in the room and I was explaining to DH that I was going to fight him

I never knew that being a midwife or other professional involved in childbirth could be such a laugh, they must see it all and be hooting at some of the reactions if this thread is even a snapshot of a normal day.

When I first started g&a I was talking to my husband about how I felt really drunk and hadnt felt like that in years...

There was a cupboard in the room with no door on it and just silver trays.... asked my husband why he hadnt done the dishwasher.

Then I asked him if we were still going to get married after this.... we had been married for a year at this point....

Took them half hour to get my epidural in while I was sucking in the g&a while my husband was bleeding from my nails going into his hand

Then our last dance song came on (a thousand years) we were both weeping on each other... 4 days of labour and we were both exhausted.

Then after they pulled my daughter out in surgery and they were trying to locate my placenta all I could hear was my husband telling her what her name was but when she got married could she keep our surname but he didnt mind if she married a man or woman it was all the same... she could be a lesbian if she wants...I turned to my midwife and was like.
.wtf is he talking about... they were all cracking up..

Labour does funny stuff to both sides

My 2nd birth I barely had time to even think about it... shot out in 4 hours but I did break my tooth on the g&a mouthpiece from gripping it so hard.... my little girl was 9lb 11oz so I am not surprised it hurt

We didn’t find out the sex of DC1 and I’d been convinced the whole way through pregnancy that baby was a girl- I was adamant and wouldn’t hear otherwise, I knew, I had maternal instincts etc etc. When the surgeon (emergency section) pulled baby out and DH told me we had a boy I told him (and the whole room of staff) that he was wrong because I knew we were having a girl and to check again. When the surgeon verified that he was, in fact a boy, I asked the surgeon if he was sure. The surgeon seemed quite sure but I wasn’t finished yet asking how he knew DC was a boy and not a girl and what if he missed that day of training at med school. According to DH, the staff were all very amused. Thankfully, so was the surgeon.

@BettysGotMoxie I'm actually crying with laughter.
With DD1 the Dr was putting a clip on her head. He gloved up and went up, only to clip part of his glove to her head.
I told him I felt like Sooty, then laughed so hard at my own joke I farted.

With DD2 I declared to everyone I had the munchies and berated a student midwife for not going to get me a Twix, apparently for quite a while
She left before DD was born but came around to see me the next day and brought me a Twix 😀

Howling here too 😂

I had a male student midwife in the room during ds's birth. I remember being very insistent that he go down the business end to see my ravaged vagina....it was his first ever birth.

When I was in labour with my first, I was doing hypnobirthing and found that talking kept me really calm so kept asking the midwife questions like, how long had she been a midwife? What hobbies does she have? Etc after over an hour of asking her questions in my gas and air haze, she looked pretty fed up and left the room for a bit. DH said to me "you don't need to ask her so many questions you know" and I practically bellowed at him "I'M JUST BEING POLITE! SORRY IM INTERESTED IN HER LIFE!!" 😂🙈 poor woman

Mine are boring.

Argued with dh on the way to theatre with DC1 as I wanted him to save the baby and he wanted to save me.
Strangled dh with dc3
Nearly broke dh finger with dc2

Midwife with dc2 didn't believe I was ready to push so I said I was needing a poo. Got on bed, examined, pissed off with me as I would not lie on my back. Had gone from 3-10 dilated after three contractions. Baby out in 20 minutes.

Midwife told me off for screaming with dc3 as she said I'd have a sore throat. I had been given a time to get him out or it was a section. Good job I'm good as I got us there and he was out in seven minutes, fifteen after the time limit.

DH has just reminded me that with DC1, while off my tits on gas, I asked the consultant which Thunderbird he was. He had white hair and big, black bushy eyebrows. Apparently this reminded me of someone from Thunderbirds.

I had a section with my next DC and turns out that someone who gets off their face on gas gets REALLY off their face when morphine is on the table. One whiff of the needle and I was away. I asked who I thought was DH to hold my gown together while I lay down so that no one would see my bum but he was welcome to have a peek, wink wink. It was not DH. It was the medstudent who was there to observe and had very kindly held my hand during the spinal while DH was away getting changed into scrubs. I was paranoid I'd wet myself as the spinal felt like warm water running down my legs so asked everyone I made eye contact with whether I had or not. When DH had gotten changed and came back in, I couldn't work out why he looked different and kept asking if that was the tshirt I'd bought him a few weeks ago. "No, it's a scrub top" oh, okay then. Few minutes later "is that the tshirt I got you? It's nice". Repeat. When DC was delivered and they took her away over the other side of the room to check her over I whispered to DH to go with them and make sure they didn't swap her for another baby. Whispered.... what I actually did was bellow it at top volume. I then thanked all of the theatre staff individually and by name. No idea what their names were but I didn't let that stop me.

I kept asking for my dog during labour with my second 😂 my DH understood (my dog has a crazy calming affect on me) but the midwives looked very confused 😂

I remember the midwife saying that's enough about vol-u-vents

I love gas and air, I had it with DC1.

I hallucinated that there was a cat under the bed but it had a human face, kept giggling to myself about it then shush DH whenever he looked at me to see why I was giggling. I told him all about the cat but explained that we had to be quiet so the midwife didn't find out because she'd throw it out.

The lady in the next room was being quite loud and we could hear her except I thought it was me making the noise so everyone she shouted or cried I was apologising. A lot. Woman shouts, "I am so sorry!" the midwife explains it wasn't me, woman shouts again "oh my god, I am very very sorry about that" and repeat.

After pushing for three hours they decided I might be more focused without the gas and air so tried to take it off me. I was having none of it and wouldn't let go of the pipe. They were telling me "we need that now" and I replied "I need it more!" so they asked again and I said no, it's mine. It took two of them to get it away, one to hold the pipe and one to gently pry my fingers off it. I had a knotted sheet that I'd been pulling against when pushing, I felt like I need the leverage? They decided that was a distraction too and took it away so I hooked my fingers under the mattress and pulled against that instead, managed to put a big rip in the rubber cover.

They gave me the gas back when they did my stitches and I tearfully made them promise that they wouldn't stitch my virginity back together

I was exhausted, in pain and hungry when the anaesthetist arrived to do my Epidural. He started to introduce himself and explain what was going on and I made a zipping motion by his lips and said “less talking more action”
I was very embarrassed once the pain stopped and I had a biscuit

I’d had no drugs at all giving birth so can’t even use them as an excuse, but every time I pushed I could only start pushing if I a) shouted/mooed and b) dunked my face in my birthing pool and blew bubbles. Poor midwife kept trying to turn me over and I wasn’t having any of it!