Bit her during labour

I smacked my midwife's hand while she was feeling my bump during a contraction - I was so high on gas and air and for some reason I was convinced her hand was some kind of giant insect. I immediately realised my mistake and wailed: "Sorry! I thought you were a beetle!"

when i was in labour i told the midwife i needed a poo she told me i didn't i needed to push! Most offended i ranted 'im 28 years old and this is my 3rd baby i think i know when i need to go for a shit' then promptly did said shit on the bed my husbands just sitting in the corner laughing at the situation. The shame!

I asked the anaesthetist during my first section if he had any kids and when he said no, if he wanted any. It definitely sounded like a come on and I've cringed about it for years. Went in for another section a few weeks ago and who was the anaesthetist?! Definitely couldn't be accused of chatting him up second time round, I was too busy puking into my ear.

I can't remember most of DS1 birth
But apparently I was singing the pokemon theme tune and shouting
"Pikachu I choose you".... to a yellow sharps box on the wall 😁

😂 @IcantbelieveIjustdidthat
Your poor sister!

Thank you for starting this thread had a good read. Glad to see it's going to be moved to classics!

Well deserved

I had a 42 hour labour, 2 epidurals, the stuff they inject - Pethodin? Gas and air and a spinal block finally in theatre, I was so off my face by that point, I thought the anaesthetist was Robert Carlyle and kicked right off that he wasn't qualified to be assisting with my delivery.
Poor bloke was so nice to me when I came round a bit, i couldn't have apologised more and he stayed to hold my hand when being stitched up as my daughter was rushed straight to the ICU not breathing. Fake Robert was a complete babe.

I went from 4cm to 10cm in an hour and there was much panic because I was still on the shared ward. I'd insisted on stripping and they asked if I could get dressed and walk a couple of doors down to the labour room as there really wasn't time to move my bed. I point blank refused to get dressed to do so - "It's fine! It's only other women in labour, they don't care if they can see my boobs." I tried to set off walking in nothing but my Ugg boots.

Got dressed, walked, undressed, slammed a foot into each stirrup, 3 silent contractions and shot DS out with a massive HNNNNNNGH noise. I gave birth with my bra dangling off my drip stand.

Best. Thread. Ever.
I started reading this last night whilst giving my baby a dream feed but had to stop as I was shaking with laughter so much I almost woke her up.

I thought the number on the gas and air was a number of a man trying to chat me up and demanded DP hunt him down. It was the help number incase something wasn't working

These have all cheered up so much 😍

Apparently I told the midwives (ds is now 18) that as Sister in the Emergency Department they should bloody well respect me and have more respect for my predicament and get my fucking baby out ASAP or I would make sure they had a disciplinary.
I kept repeating "Do you know who I am and where I work" (I am a Sister in ED)

Dp was modified because I never tell anyone where I work.

I dread having to take a patient to labour ward now and put my head down in any maternity meetings that I have to attend.

That is the best description of gas and air ever. Not a lot of pain relief, just the sense that you have done something you can't take back for a few hours.

"I'm having an epidural and DON'T EVEN FUCKING TRY AND TALK ME OUT OF IT." The poor man hadn't said a word

DH asked me if I wanted something stringer than gas, I told him "I don't want nothing off nobody and especially not YOU!"

I had remifentanil when in labour with DS. I hallucinated I was lying on the hall floor in my house, when in fact I was obviously in a hospital bed. Didn't stop me wailing self-pityingly to DP and the midwife "why have you just left me lying here in the hall?"

Fast forward a few hours and DS was refusing to be born, so they offered to switch me to an epidural as I was exhausted, and it looked like I might need an assisted delivery. I remember turning to DP and saying in a horribly aggressive snarl, "I'm having an epidural and DON'T EVEN FUCKING TRY AND TALK ME OUT OF IT." The poor man hadn't said a word. I don't normally swear.

I got out of the birthing pool and left the room naked. Wasn't doing it any more apparently and the baby would just have to stay in there.

@BruceAndNosh I am HOWLING thanks for that 😂😂

And OP your story is hilarious too, don’t let it get to you :) when I was on the gas and air I didn’t realise I was fully shouting every time I spoke, I thought I was just talking at normal volume. Like a very obnoxious drunk person.

Honestly, as a midwife many years ago I probably heard similar! This though really cracked me up! The puppy’s looking at me as if I’m mad 🤣

I refused to open my eyes when the Dr came in to explain he was having to use forceps to get DD out. Dh said I sat up, 'looked' in the Drs direction and started saying um hm and nodding to everything he said. The Dr asked 3 times for me to open my eyes and 3 times got told to fuck off. He gave up in the end

A friend of mine screamed that she was cracking like a walnut as baby was coming out

Ilikechips

With every contraction I kept shouting I can’t see I’ve gone blind!!!!

I was shutting my eyes

😂😂😂

I vomited three times on DH after the anaesthetic for my EMCS. I apologised profusely each time, much to the entertainment of the medical staff