What's the most wanky thing you have ever done?!

From a working-class family and got a scholarship to private school at 11. Some posh girls asked where I was from, pretending they thought my accent was foreign. I’m sorry to say I was so embarrassed, and so wanted to fit in, that like Lardy and Torrance, I taught myself to speak like them.

I wish I had told them I was there because I had brains, unlike them!

In sixthform (during the Thatcher years, in a very conservative voting area) I claimed to be a fervent communist. I was studying A level economics and I decided to answer an essay on free market economics by describing at length my personal teenage alternative theory. I also feigned outrage that the school library didn't have a copy of the Communist Mannifesto- then bought my own copy and carried it around occasionally writing in the margin and nodding like a twat wisely

@CommanderBurnham

Reminds me, about 20 years ago I was once taken to the airport in Hugh Grant’s chauffeured limo (long story - but he was not in it himself).

When I got out, people looked to see who was getting out, realized I wasn’t famous and turned away disappointed.

I turned up in the car park at school for DS's music recital (basically 6 year olds blowing into recorders with a range of 3 notes), straight from the airport. In an upper class limo. The chauffeur insisted in taking my luggage into the school office. All the parents were queued outside.

Luckily they had the grace to pretend they hadn't noticed as none of us are wankers really but the shame. To be fair, the plane landed at 8:10 and I was in the school hall at 9:05.

I asked someone to marry me when I was pissed, he said yes. It wasn't wanky, but he was a wanker. Seeing as accents & posh voices are mentioned, he put on a posh voice the first night we met. It was to impress me he said, I wasn't that shallow.

Oh I've got a worse anti-wanky or wanky-in-a-different-way just from last week

I'm out at an open day for a house near us for sale with along 30 people standing in the courtyard of it

Estate agent not letting anyone actually IN building to look round. He's saying it's not safe, the laminate flooring is lifting, planning permission is to knock it down etc, he stares down a couple of builder types and says 'it's been categorically turned down for flats' etc

I ask, mildly and in a NORMAL voice "Are you making appointments at all to see inside"

Agent says no

I then turn to this woman next to me who is looking as bemused as I am and I say "God, I've LIVED in't worse than that" - in apparently a Yorkshire accent

Not from Yorkshire

Never been to Yorkshire

Whole conversation taking place in London

Wtf 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️😬

Very long story short but I had lost my engagement ring and had received a very healthy insurance payout. A few weeks later we were on a trip to New York with my children who were under 4yo. We were staying in a cheap hotel in Queens and had travelled into Manhattan for the day, and despite wearing very casual walking boots etc decided to pop into Tiffany’s to look at a replacement ring. Looked at a couple (way out of my price range as it turns out) and wondered how to say they were too expensive to very smart sales lady when there was a commotion behind me. The manager, carrying a tray of diamonds had tripped over my son who was playing with his toy Thomas the Tank Engine on the floor. Diamonds everywhere. Security dived in, no-one could leave, they were worried about my son in case he was hurt and we decided to sue (he was fine). I just stood there frozen with a ring of over $200,000 on my finger.

None of that is the wanky part…
I calmly turned to glamorous sales assistant and brayed in my very best RP that we would go back to the hotel “we’re staying at the Plaza, we’ll leave the children with the nanny and we’ll come back”. Sales lady smiled and said “of course, madam”.

It got worse…
Hustled out of there and made our way back to Queens, picking up a free newspaper from reception on the way to the room. Front cover “Plaza set to re-open tomorrow after closing for 3 weeks for refurbishment…”
We didn’t go back to Tiffany’s but we had a damn good laugh 😂

My Liberty points card has my title as Dr

The reason this is wanky is not only because I'm NOT a doctor but is because I didn't like any of the titles on the drop down list

I nearly went for Brigadier

This is a fake wankery, but I did it. I was browsing property porn and asked for more details on a massive country estate, which arrived in the post practically leatherbound and on a velvet cushion. I had a good nose through it, then bunged it into the recycling. About a week later, my phone rang. It was the estate agent, enquiring if I'd like to make an appointment for a viewing.

I was a bit taken aback, but tried to rally. 'Oh, I'm not really sure, it depends on my husband's work' (my then boyfriend was a caretaker at a local school) 'It's difficult to commit to things at the moment, I'm not sure where he'll be posted (Yr9 toilets most likely)' Estate agent was getting more & more pushy about me arranging a viewing, and the longer the conversation went on, the posher and posher my voice got. I could tell he wasn't going to take no for an answer, so I said confidentially 'I'm just not sure it's the right house for us, really.' 'Oh, why not?'
'These things are just SO subjective, aren't they? It was the stables. I couldn't see they offered enough space for the horses.'

Said goodbye, and went out onto the patio to put the scooter in the shed

I once heard my SIL complain about something in a shop and shout out “do you not know who I’m married to?” at the poor woman inside the till.

In sixth form I kept a folder of my poetry and philosphical musings. Given that I have no literary ability, hadn't read any philosphy and spent most of my time drinking cider in the park with my friends I didn't have a huge amount of insight to share. When my parents cleared out my room that was the first to the recyling centre!

Sent a bunch of flowers to a friend who was recovering from surgery. I was in a hurry and picked a €200 bunch instead of a €20.

She sent me a photograph with the most enormous bunch of flowers I’ve ever seenwith a WTF caption. When I went to visit I was explaining the mix up and her MIL who didn’t know me or my financial position piped up and asked “how did you not notice you spent €200 instead of €20?!” And I flippantly replied, complete with a wave of my hand “ah it’s because I never really notice the prices” what a wanker

@Cheeeesecake that’s really quite wanky but also very sweet 😻

I used an ice cream scoop to serve mashed potato when DH and I were first living together and had his parents and siblings over for dinner. God knows why....instantly turned a perfectly decent roast into school dinners!

@seepingweeping
My Eufy is named Eugene

I love how Scottish accents take over I'm half scouse, half Scottish and switch so easily

I remember a French student teacher arriving in our Central Scotland school for a term to improve his English. He left speaking fluent Scottish including 'Do you ken this guy' and 'ye dinnae want to do that' I often wonder if there are some French people out there speaking English with a Scottish accent

One of the women I used to know when I lived overseas was being very snooty to the other women in the social group by using one-upmanship and reminding anyone who asked that she had a PhD in inorganic chemistry from a very good university here in Britain. This lady would let everyone know her academic past even down to wearing a Christmas jumper that read 'Oh Chemistree' for parties and would generally act as though she was the fount of all knowledge and superior which was very wanky and pretentious. She got her come-uppance one day at a baby shower when one of the other women, a Canadian doctor/surgeon then asked her about the papers she had published and the illustrious academic or industry career she had enjoyed. Turns out this woman's PhD had been privately paid for by Daddy and she had done nothing with it, never worked a day in her life and was using it as a club to beat the other ladies over the head with when she tried to lord it over them at the PTA. The Canadian doctor said 'Oh, so it was a MRS degree' before turning away. Good to see someone so wanky being out-wanked by a doctor who was usually the least wanky person around!

Nominated for classics

My robot hoover is called Sebastian.

I was about 8. At the time I had a luminous star chart on my bedroom wall, which I loved, and learned all the constellation names from it.

Around the same time someone gave me a little toy bear and I named it Ursa Minor. embarrassed