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Original poster

Just checking what I can actually do in my garden

427 replies

Originalyellowbelly · 14/06/2021 20:01

Obviously not BBQ, fire pit, children, tree houses, pools, climbing frames, footballs, bonfires, low fences, music, parties,DIY , lawn mowing, extensions, cats, dogs, have I missed anything? Wouldn't want to piss off anyone within 50 miles of me.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
BarbaraofSeville · 14/06/2021 21:14

No powered garden tools to be used ever.

But you must never allow your garden to look untidy as an unmanicured lawn is one step away from having an old sofa out there which would catastrophically lower the tone of the neighborhood.

Never keep a van or caravan on your drive. Naice eyes shouldn't have to look at such things.

I usually only sit quietly reading in my garden which probably would be acceptable except it's usually at the front because that's where the sun is an I may even do something as uncouth as drink lager from a can on a hot day.

Have hot tubs been mentioned yet? Mumsnet loves those.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 14/06/2021 21:14

You are allowed to have an elderly Korean lady in your garden if you wish.

DeciduousPerennial · 14/06/2021 21:13

Go OUT to the garden and DO THINGS in it? Excuse me?

One does not utilise a garden. One looks at it. From inside.

crowsfeet57 · 14/06/2021 21:12

According to my neighbour you can't grow ivy for the following reasons:
1 It's poisoned (it's not)

  1. It damages her soil (It doesn't)
  2. It damages her fence (it's our fence and the only damage I can see is from her gardener strimming too enthusiastically and her builders.)
  3. It made a big chunk of her fence fall out. (It's still our fence and a chunk fell out because her builders smashed a hole in it to see where the manhole was.)
  4. It killed her three trees (She planted the trees FIVE years AFTER we dug the ivy up because of her complaints. They died due to lack of light because they were planted against our 6 foot fence, 15 foot down the side of her extension.)
sixthtimelucky · 14/06/2021 21:10

No ice in drinks in case of chinking. Ditto no sparkling drinks - those bubbles can be deafening.

Throw nets over all trees in case of leaves blowing in any wind/breeze

Avoid scraping noises on patios by knitting little chair leg socks for all seating receptacles

Only acceptable form of communication is sign language. Listen to music only with volume turned off. Dancing must take place on chairs (with knitted bootees) without movement.

WhyMrsRobinson · 14/06/2021 21:08

Thank goodness no one has mentioned the clanking of spades against stones at midnight..Mwahahah

LubaLuca · 14/06/2021 21:07

Also: leylandii.

Yeah, big nopes to all conifers. But also no deciduous trees. Or trees that produce berries that birds like because they'll shit it all out directly over the neighbour's car.

Sunbird24 · 14/06/2021 21:06

You may not have a 100yr old tree or your new neighbours will tell you that you must chop it down because it drops leaves in their hot tub

Original poster
Originalyellowbelly · 14/06/2021 21:04

DrSbaitso my bookshelves are sacred, I have enough to worry about in my garden.

OP posts:
ZZTopGuitarSolo · 14/06/2021 21:03

No games of rugby that involve using your cat as the ball.

ResIpsaLoquiturInterAlia · 14/06/2021 21:02

Possibly not wear your birthday suit even if rural out of sight or celebrity sized private grounds. Not unmasked anyway!

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 14/06/2021 21:01

@LubaLuca

Conifers.
Also: leylandii.
DrSbaitso · 14/06/2021 21:01

@Originalyellowbelly

I only read on my kindle, I am redeemed
Possibly. As long as there are several bookcases inside your house groaning with the weight of worthy tomes that you have indeed read. But don't have any of them visible when you're on Zoom, you boastful social climber.
ZZTopGuitarSolo · 14/06/2021 21:01

When the leaves drop off your tree in autumn you must rake them all immediately before they get blown into your neighbour's garden.

Do not use a leaf blower. Ever.

pussycatlickinglollyices · 14/06/2021 21:01

@Cosmos123

No chickens No roosters
No Cocks?
3scape · 14/06/2021 21:00

Dont mow. You must encourage insects.

But also your garden must be a perfectly manicured oasis.

Ijustlikedthename · 14/06/2021 20:59

Don't hang bin bags on the washing line (although I think it was only 1 family of weirdos doing that!)

LubaLuca · 14/06/2021 20:59

Conifers.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 14/06/2021 20:57

Oh god, I have artificial grass, decking and we're laying a patio near the back door. I also have a cat, although we have cat proofed the garden so there's netting on top of the fences.

There's no hope for me is there?

readytosell · 14/06/2021 20:53

You may not laugh, smile or otherwise express any form of emotion that may be misconstrued as actually enjoying yourself.

Gardens are serious business, not for pleasure.

FangsForTheMemory · 14/06/2021 20:52

@DrSbaitso It has to be the Right Kind Of Book, though. Something vintage and biographical about travels is good. The latest bonkbuster will get you sent on your way.

OverByYer · 14/06/2021 20:52

Only drink still drinks as fizzy ones can be very noisy

Original poster
Originalyellowbelly · 14/06/2021 20:50

I only read on my kindle, I am redeemed

OP posts:
Knockoneofftheshelftowin · 14/06/2021 20:50
Grin
MoonCatcher · 14/06/2021 20:50

"Don’t turn the compost heap when neighbours are sitting out having dinner or have guests!"
I think you may be mistaking a compost heap for a muck heap Confused