Awkward misunderstandings that you had as a child

When I was really little my 19yo cousin died. Apparently I made my uncle a ‘sympathy’ card that said ‘enjoy your funeral’ and gave it to him under the radar of my mum’s watchful eye

I’m mortified thinking about it now but I was so young I have no memory of it at all.

My parents are very traditionally and the food in my London Uni was all cool. I heard they did these fancy squashed hot toasted rolls with mozzarella, basil and tomatoes. So as a nervous new first year I queued up at the counter where they were made. I asked for the "hot Poonami" instead of a panini 😝 never lived it down.

@NameChangedForThisFeb21 you're not alone! My DH said, "he looked like a bit of a nonce" (outfit at wedding) to my aunt and uncle and I had to intervene. He's 41.

Dd in reception class complained that the fucking glue wouldn't stick to the paper.
Teacher was not amused, but was impressed she got the context right.
Fortunately, when teacher asked where she had learnt that word , she was honest and said she heard it on a youtube video she watched with a friend.
I am not a sweary person.

Soooooo funny I can't hardly breathe!!!

We had a teacher who thought twat was a less rude version of twit. She once gave a lecture to the whole school during assembly about the twats that had been messing around. A much younger teacher bounded on stage and whispered to her and she went bright red and swept off the stage 😆

Hunt the Cunt has brought tears to my eyes. A couple spring to mind:

Calling my mum a big dildo as in "you big dingbat"

Loudly and proudly counting in German on holiday in a restaurant "Ein, Zwei, Drei, Vier, funf, sechs... Ha ha sex. You had sex with daddy last night". Poor mortified mother

A boy cycled past some friends I was with and stuck two fingers up at them. And they did it back to him.
I went home and stuck two fingers up at my Mum and asked what it meant. She crossly told me never to do that again.

Grew up during a huge Just Say No To Drugs campaign.
Unfortunately US pharmacies at the time were (and probably still are) called drugstores, so I assumed that drugs of all sorts were illegal.
When my mum suggested going to the drugstore to pick up some mild painkillers she was baffled at my begging her not to because I didn't want her going to prison.
I was a very literal child.

My sister came home from infant school and when asked if she'd had a good day replied

"Yes it was great we had sex today!"

Mum was pretty horrified but managed to ask her what she meant and she explained "secs, you know seconds, extra for lunch"

I went through a stage of inventing names for myself (God knows why - I think because my real name is rather ordinary).

Once on holiday with my Mum when I was about 5, a guest in the same hotel asked me what my name was and I told him it was 'Little Muff'. My Mum just stared in disbelief and hastily told him my real name.

Horrified to admit that as an adult in my thirties I had to be corrected for gently teasing a primary aged child who’d done something really silly and funny and saying “you silly nonce!”

I thought it was like silly billy.

The horror and red faced nature of all the adults in the room showed me I’d said something awful. I sent child off and said “what? What have I said?”

I had no idea a nonce was a paedophile. I thought it was like a nicer gentler version of a dunce.

I’m still so embarrassed.

Ha, that's where a church upbringing can come in useful (for once).

Two of the mean girls were asking my friend if she was a virgin, so I just said yes, we all are.

Admitted later that I had no idea what it meant, but it couldn't be anything bad because Jesus's mother was one

An older girl at primary school told my friends and I that if we wore white socks it meant we were virgins. Obviously we had zero idea what she meant however the way she sneered told us being a virgin wasn't a good thing.
Saturday afternoon in C&A shopping with my Grandmother she picked up some school long socks for me.In white.
"I can't wear them Gran - they'll think I'm a virgin!" I shouted from the end of the aisle.

And yes, at the time I wrote it I absolutely showed it to all my family and teachers. Nobody said a word.

I think my favourite one is a story I wrote when I was about 9. I had got one of those soft exercise books and turned it into an illustrated “novel” called “The Haunted House of Ash Tree Avenue” about two children spying on a witch who lived at Number 69 Ash Tree Avenue (you can see where this is going; I had no idea).

One of the girls in the story got kidnapped by the witch. Writing from the perspective of the other girl, and in utter innocence, I penned: When I got to 69 I screamed, “I’m coming!”

I found it years later and nearly wet myself laughing.

So I don’t need to explain what I said a couple of months later when my mum asked what I’d been doing upstairs in my bedroom for the last two hours.

A family friend was visiting and said they were just going to spend a penny. I thought they meant they were going shopping so I asked to go with her.

I innocently informed my mum when I was 6 that I’d seen two people ‘shagging’. She asked me what I thought it meant and I said ‘kissing’ and she said that’s not what it means and didn’t elaborate 😂 Very funny looking back! It’s what everyone in our playground was calling kissing at the time.

Dd was hysterical as she didn't want to be a human being. Ds was tormenting her about being one...

Had a meltdown amongst all my family when I was told I wasn't allowed to go get a 'nightcap' with my uncle and father in the hotel after a wedding.
I was so angry, i was really excited about looking like 'wee Willy Winkie' from my nursery rhyme book.

80’s primary on a Monday morning usually meant writing ‘what I did at the weekend’. My parents were not strict about bedtime so we would often watch Dynasty. I wrote in my book
I watched Dynasty, Krystal is nice and Alexis is the bitch.
I genuinely thought it just meant the mean one. We still have the book, the teacher must have cried marking that