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Original poster

Early Noughties teen mag ridiculousness

665 replies

SmidgenofaPigeon · 27/02/2021 10:21

Does anyone remember the little nuggets if totally ridiculous advice they’d give you in teen magazines?

I used to be an avid reader of Shout! magazine. The main goal of these magazines seemed to be being popular and having boys notice you obviously, and were filled with totally mad tips on how to achieve these things and not be a ‘geek’ who wasn’t interested. Which is totally inappropriate advice these days, happily.

I remember one was ‘if you are invited to a party, arrive late and leave early! You are a social butterfly who has had to squeeze the party in between other engagements’

Happily I HAD been invited to a party in my local pub function room that very weekend! I spent a long time applying glitter hair mascara to my fringe to make it clump together attractively (why) and I think I even had on one of those fetching skirt with trousers combos with a vest top from Tammy girl. I got my dad to drive round the block a bit so I could try to be late, but it didn’t take very long and I think I turned up at ten minutes after the start time. I had a few dances to All Saints and Steps and drank a couple of cans of Coke and an hour before it was due to finish, I did a big show of having to rush off.

Now, we lived in a very small town. There was NO WAY any other parties were happening on the same night. But desperately trying to stick to my social butterfly narrative I said goodbye and off I went.

I sat round the corner in the bus shelter until it was time to get picked up. While everyone else was having a nice time at the party Confused

What a knob! When I got to school on the Monday everyone was saying it was rude to leave the party early and I felt like such an idiot.

Can anyone remember any more of the ridiculous things they used to spout in these magazines? I’d love to get my hands one now as I think it would be hilarious Grin

OP posts:
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CovoidOfAllHumanity · 27/02/2021 15:03

I had no idea about make up and desperately wanted to. I religiously followed some guide I got free with a teen mag.

One of the 'looks' was monochrome and suggested applying dots of black eyeliner all over your eyelids.
People asked me if I had some kind of rash when I tried that one.

To this day I rarely bother with make up because I am still crap at it and no longer give a shit. For years though I only applied lipstick in the centre of my lips because a teen mag told me that's the way to do it.
I never really moved on from lipgloss and I wish sparkly lipgloss was still an acceptable look.

Tinted moisturiser that made me look a bizarre yellow/ orange colour, tonnes of concealer to really highlight my spots, tonnes of mascara, some random smears of brown/ cream eyeshadow and some pinkish lip gloss was the height of my make up achievements sadly.

JackieweaverhasALLtheauthority · 27/02/2021 15:00

I remember a tip that told you put perfume on the ironing board so that all your clothes would be delicately perfumed too . My mum had to stop me doing it as she didn't want all my dad's work shirts stinking of exclamation!

Coldwinterahead1 · 27/02/2021 14:59

Sex mad

Coldwinterahead1 · 27/02/2021 14:59

God it was set madGrin

Early Noughties teen mag ridiculousness
user1471464218 · 27/02/2021 14:59

I read the British ones but also some German ones like Bravo 😲.... Bravo was aimed at mid teen market 12-15 but featured older teens and it's usp was a double page spread every edition of a naked male and a naked female (readers apparently) answering questions like what's your favourite subject at school. I thought it was weird at the time and I still do. I can however confirm that manscaping/ Hollywood wax was a thing in the late 90s in Germany.

BiscuitSewingTin · 27/02/2021 14:58

My much older sister used to buy lots of these so I started reading them when I was 8. My mum never gave me a “birds and the bees” talk so they were good for that, but they were also full of a lot of rubbish. You have to wonder how they came up with some of it. I also had a stack of vintage Buntys etc from the 60s that were more wholesome.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 27/02/2021 14:58

I did try the "sip some mint liquor before going down on him" tip.

He really didn't like it. And after I used that mint Original Source shower gel, I really saw his point.

PlinkPlink · 27/02/2021 14:55

@Wondermule oh my god 🙈🙈 yes!!!

It's quite sinister really...

Original poster
SmidgenofaPigeon · 27/02/2021 14:54

Yes I’m sure one of the make up tips was to avoid your forehead when applying foundation. I literally didn’t apply foundation to my forehead for years. Then one day I thought WHY? WHAT on earth was the logic in not applying foundation to a whole section of your face?!

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ClashCityRocker · 27/02/2021 14:53

@Respectmyauthoritah

I remember one of the sex tips from More was to hum while giving a blowjob. Apparently the vibrations from your throat would 'enhance his pleasure'. To this day, when I picture some poor women giving an enthusiastic blowjob that sounds like a swarm of bees it still gives me the giggles!

Aha, yes, I believe one suggestion was to hum the national anthem.

Because every bloke wants to think of our dear Queen whilst being fellated, and it wouldn't be off putting at all.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 27/02/2021 14:52

@SmidgenofaPigeon

I remember the advice was to be cool and mysterious to boys, so when I was on holiday once in Skegness I decided to channel this. A lovely looking boy said ‘hi’ to me when I was waiting for an ice cream and asked what flavour I was having and I said ‘whatever one I choose’ while violently twirling a strand of hair in what I thought was a cool louche way of talking. He just looked Confused at me and didn’t talk to me again when I saw him around!
🤣
Werkwerkwerkwerkwerk · 27/02/2021 14:52

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom oh my god!! I actually did manage to scramble egg in my hair following the homemade beauty tips!!! I remember my constantly baffled dad going mad at me because I'd block the drains 🤣

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 27/02/2021 14:52

They once told me to put perfume on the backs of my knees because apparently the warmth would spread the scent more or something? No harm in that one, I guess. I do still put it in my hair...

Original poster
SmidgenofaPigeon · 27/02/2021 14:51

I remember the advice was to be cool and mysterious to boys, so when I was on holiday once in Skegness I decided to channel this. A lovely looking boy said ‘hi’ to me when I was waiting for an ice cream and asked what flavour I was having and I said ‘whatever one I choose’ while violently twirling a strand of hair in what I thought was a cool louche way of talking. He just looked Confused at me and didn’t talk to me again when I saw him around!

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CroutonsAvatar · 27/02/2021 14:49

I remember a whole section on how to apply lip liner in Bliss, maybe? But only on the bottom lip, as doing it on the top lip was only for pros and there’d be no point teaching you numpties. HmmGrin

Also remember every problem page seemed to have a girl with an addiction to eating nail varnish. Confused

cakebythepound1234 · 27/02/2021 14:48

Oh wow, this thread is such a blast from the past! I used to love More, Sugar, Bliss, Just 17, Cosmo. Does anyone remember the sealed sections in the middle they would sometimes have which had graphic descriptions of stuff like how to give blow jobs? I was terrified my dad would find them, I'd have been mortified if he'd seen the filth I was reading with my pocket money!

There's a sketch by Amy Schumer where she's an editor of one of these types of mags and they are trying to come up with sex tips to put in the magazine and naturally, they are all ridiculous. Always makes me laugh as it's so accurate to how these mags were with their awful sex tips!

Werkwerkwerkwerkwerk · 27/02/2021 14:48

Love your nostalgic story OP by the way!! Bought back lots of memories - glitter spray, butterfly clips, green nail polish, So...? body spray, and pale pink lipstick. And that was just to go to the park!

Werkwerkwerkwerkwerk · 27/02/2021 14:46

I'm sure I remember some advice in one of them about body language and your crush will turn their feet towards the person they fancy. Cue lots of weird behaviour from me in class, casually fixated on the feet of my object of desire!!! How mortifying!

Cheeseandlobster · 27/02/2021 14:45

@CaffeineAndCrochet

Back in the days before data protection and GDPR was a thing, I was on the penpal pages of Shout. My home address was printed. I think I got about 800 letters sent to me.
Oh gosh me too. In Bunty though. I cant fathom it now. Printing the full address of 9 year old girls Shock

So impressed that others remember Catch. I would love to re read some of them

Sammysquiz · 27/02/2021 14:45

I remember one of the magazines - J17 I think - was obsessed with a particular group of male models. They’d call them ‘the boys’ and print endless topless posters of them. One was called Howard (I think) and had long hair, and the one I fancied (or wanted to be my “boyf”Grin) was called Rufus.

Why do I remember stuff like this & not any of the important stuff I’m now meant to remember in my job??!

Original poster
SmidgenofaPigeon · 27/02/2021 14:42

@Thirtyrock39 that was Diary of a Crush!! I loved that! The heroine was called Edie and was very cool and a bit rock chicky, and naturally couldn’t understand how all the boys were in love with her slim frame and blonde hair and ‘weird too big green eyes’ HmmGrin

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CaffeineAndCrochet · 27/02/2021 14:41

Back in the days before data protection and GDPR was a thing, I was on the penpal pages of Shout. My home address was printed. I think I got about 800 letters sent to me.

WinterHoliday · 27/02/2021 14:40

I remember Catch! I still have one somewhere as I kept a few random magazines. I wish I still had copies of Just 17 and Mizz though. I used to love buying magazines when I was a teenager.

The Clothes Show magazine also used to do features on people out clubbing and where they bought their clothes from. Two of my friends were pictured and I still have a copy of this too.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 27/02/2021 14:40

This thread is proper making me giggle. Very nostalgic

I have definitely tried the oatmeal face masks and lemon juice in my hair
Obsessed with Rimmel make up which I had no idea how to apply. Clear mascara including in your eyebrows I recall was a thing.
Loved the crappy free flip flops and beach bag. Excellent for the seafront at Bognor
Mooching round the shopping centre of a weekend trying on clothes you couldn't afford to buy and weirdly obsessed with stationery in Paperchase.
Ah 90s teendom

My own DD is 14 now and she has never bought a teen mag to my knowledge. I fear that Tik Tok and YouTube tell her all she needs to know...
She does still like a pointless shopping trip and some overpriced stationery though.

Hm2020 · 27/02/2021 14:35

I remember reading bliss and sugar aged about 11 and they where very sexual I used to hide them from my mum. But shout and mizz where ok apparently I remember a girl of 12 writing in that whenever she gets drunk with her friends she vomits and it’s embarrassing so they’re advise was drunk a glass of water between every drink Shock