What my DD told nursery - make me feel better please

My daughter aged 2 told nursery 'when she's angry my mummy smacks me'.

I have never smacked her.

She saw another child being smacked in the park about a week prior.

I also got a call. I laughed. And then I felt that sinking feeling of worry and 'what if'?

Youngest DD was very slow speaking and would often get phrases muddled. For instance "I like" instead of "I don't mind". We were shopping and I turned round and knocked her in the face with the shopping basket. I turned back and apologised profusely and she stood there with tears in her eyes as she said "It doesn't matter Mummy, I like it when you hurt me!"

My daughter wrote in her school diary that I'd got so drunk on gin at a friend's house (the friend was my TA) that we had to stay the night. I did have a couple of G and Ts but stayed the night because of the deep snow and not walking home in the dark. The funny thing was I worked at the same school and the diary was passed round the staff room. Hilarious

This works in reverse too. Children often tell parents an embellished version on school day incidents.

DS came with me and DH to pick up our new car, and he took it upon himself to ask the salesman (at top volume) “are you my dad?” while he was sitting on his dads knee 🤦‍♀️. The salesman went beetroot, his colleagues and some customers thought it was hilarious. Some issues with the car meant we had a few excruciating visits to the dealership. We went in a few months ago to enquire about another car and he actually ran away when he saw us coming 😂

My 6 year old joyfully announced to his whole class "my mummy's going to prison today!"

I was. I had a new job. I didn't think to prep school in advance.

My son told the teacher that mommy and daddy didn’t work, they just went to the pub every day
We actually ran a pub and restaurant at the time

I had a plumber round to fix a radiator one day, complete with low-lying jeans. When my husband came back from work my 3 year old DS shouted 'DADDY! Mummy has been looking at a man's bottom in the bedroom!'

20 years ago a little girl in my class told me her Daddy wore dresses another told me where Mummy hid the vodka. Worst of it was i knew both the parents as we lived in the same village, Dad was a professional Rugby player and the Mother of the other child was a prominent member of the parish council. Children have no filter

Every day my 2 year old tells nursery "mummy has a cough" and they look at me anxiously and enquire about covid tests.

I haven't had a bloody cough since last December

I've taken to telling them that she is mispronouncing "mummy has a coffee"

Oh I’m dreading this happening! He’s not at nursery yet but 2.5 year old DS said “mummy did a poo on the floor” I hope they don’t take everything they say seriously 😐

Mine told his reception teacher that I made him sleep on the balcony. Where as in reality he had a little hammock on the balcony that he had a supervised nap in.

“Daddy makes me sleep in a cage” he chose to have a nap in the dog crate with the door shut but unlocked.

In preschool he told the staff “daddy drank beer today” after being dropped off at 8:30am. Technically correct, I had finished the last few swigs of some non-alcoholic beer.

My friends Ds told the teacher his Mum died at the weekend, she got bitten by a snake lived in country with venomous snakes Teacher was very upset. Then Friend turned up to do pick up.

Mine told nursery that sometimes he was allowed bread eight his gravy. They checked that I wasn’t just giving him bread and gravy for dinner. He’d neglected to mention that this was after a full roast dinner...

I know of a dc who (4 years old)drew a picture of their father with spikey purple hair -teacher (Oh did she regret this!) said father couldn't have purple hair
he did - he was a rock musician
it was a fun conversation telling the teacher that!!

I was once called into the headmistresses office as my 4 year old told her teacher I had punched her in the face when she had asked to go to the toilet. She told the same story to the head. Then told it again in front of me to the head.. I asked her when this happened and she replied " last night mummy, in my dream". That was a fun day.

When I was a child at preschool I told my parents we were made to clean the toilets ourselves with Toilet Duck. Also not true.

Neither of my children made shit up at nursery or preschool but that's probably just because neither could actually speak - even speech problems have a thin silver lining

They can get crafty.

One of mine (primary age) said the teacher had said I should give £6 pocket money a week.

Another one, the teacher said I should give them choc chip cookies at home for snack.

Needless to say I did not fall for these!

Christ this thread is terrifying me!! I work as a nanny and now I'm really aware of the bullshit my little munchkins must spout behind my back!

My DD told nursery I drank a bottle of wine every night (I did not - not even a glass every night).

Does not get better with age. When she was in Y5 she announced my weight to the other parents gathered in the playground for pick up. Just felt like embarrassing me/testing boundaries.

Who doesn’t shout and cry though?! That’s very unusual unless there are other concerns. I mean mine see me cry all the time (and shout too). Life has been hard this year and these are normal emotions and normal things to happen in a family.

Fwiw, my then 3 year old claimed the bottle of wine for me in the nursery Christmas tombola (they drew them at lunchtime and kids got to pick the prize to take home to their parents). She told them I drink a lot of wine! This was the same year that when given a newspaper to cut out clippings to make a collage, she made one all with bottles of alcohol for me.

My son told his nursery that I locked him in his bedroom so he had to climb out of his window in order to get to nursery... after I had just taken him in!
He also told me that the nursery didnt give him any food ever so he needed sweets in the car when I picked him up because he was so hungry.

My goddaughter told nursery that mummy is in prison and daddy is in the hospital (it's where they work)

My youngest told his teacher (when he was 5) that there were so many mice in our house that they scampered all over the table while he ate his dinner. He said that he had a favourite one, which he used to feed bits of his dinner. She believed him and made a SS referral based on the filthy conditions in which he was living.
We had no mice. Not even a small one. Had she stopped to think about the steady flow of unlikely stories (elves in the shed, his daddy can make lobsters jump out of the sea, that kind of thing) then she would have known it was totally made up. I'm still not entirely convinced that she didn't just enjoy reporting people- there were several other families who had similar trouble and not one turned out to be a genuine complaint. Thankfully she is at another school now.

When mine was 3 he's told his dad who had been working away that the postman had been in our bed 😳