What my DD told nursery - make me feel better please

My nephew (aged 4 and a holy terror) once escaped from our family group at Mass (Irish Catholic) and ran up the aisle to the altar. I was sent up to retrieve him and when I got there, he cowered and shouted 'don't hit me ... again!' The child had never been hit or smacked in his life!

My son told the nursery that me and my MIL had poisoned him after watching snow white

When DSD was about 4-5 she couldn't stand me, I couldn't so much as touch DHs arm without her smacking my hand away shouting MY DADDY! She loved DD though so we used to go on days out together sometimes. Once we were at a theme park and DH went to the toilet. DSD tried to follow him into the crowd, I tried to stop her leaving and she SCREAMED "NOOOO, you're not my mummy! Help, help! Shes not my mummy, help!" Etc etc, it was a crowded park, lots of people were staring not sure what to do, I had to let go of her in case someone called the police and because she was fighting me like a wildcat and she bolted through the crowds towards the exit, I had to leave DD (who was unhelpfully laughing her head off at the whole thing) to chase her and then when I caught up she did it again! Then DH came over and she was like butter wouldnt melt again and held both our hands to walk back to DD most embarrassing experience of my life.

Oh my word, some of these are hilarious😂

My mother is 85 now and still recalls my older brother's description of her put up on the wall at parents' evening. "My mummy is little and fat. She drinks brandy and smokes cigarettes". All true though.

I’m on the flip side of this. I work in a school and recently a child told me very sadly his dad was in hospital as he had found a lump. My heart sank. He proceeded to tell me the lump was on his bottom and had puss coming out of it ever since he squeezed it on holiday. Had to finish said conversation with a straight face and reassure him daddy was probably going to be ok.

On her first day at nursery, DD (aged around 3) told staff at nap time that she 'needed a sherry to get off to sleep properly'.

My friend told me her DD told nursery that ‘daddy hits mummy but only on Saturdays’ 😂 Eagerly awaiting my turn 🤨

Not me, but ages ago I was with a friend and his four year old. Former was trying to put shoes on the latter. There was a lot of "You always hurt me, you old brute!" which I thought was brilliant vocab .

My DD told nursery that DH wasn't her real dad, it was actually [best mate's dad], and that he was going to pick her up that afternoon. Cue massive confusion when I turned up at pick-up time and cries of "I want Cliiiiiive!" the entire way home, including past Clive's house.

When my ds was 3 yo we walked into the local Tesco to buy some cakes as his treat. All happy and fine. The minute we passed the security guard he went from singing and skipping to stopping and screaming "you're not going to hit me again mummy are you? Please don't hit me!"

I have never laid a finger on him

My mum turned up to an early parents evening of mine to find I had written and illustrated a story from the weekend, ending with the words ‘then mummy hit me and I cried’ To be fair, this was probably true, I was born mid-70s and things were different. She as quite mortified to see it in my diary though.

When I was about three someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I replied “I want to be an alcoholic like my mum.”

Lol. My DD when she was 3 years old told her nursery very sadly that I lock her in car boot! It came out of nowhere...she had never even sat in the car boot, let alone been locked in it. Luckily the nursery had known me since DD was 11 months so after a short interrogation they let it drop. To this day, I have no idea what was running through my DD's little head.

Bless them.

We laugh about it now.

Friend of mine was a nursery teacher. One day she asked the children what their mummies called them.

They piped up with, ‘Honeybun, my little sweetie-pie,’ etc.

Until one little girl said, ‘My mummy calls me a little cow. She says, ‘You little cow!’ 😱

My oldest announced in front of nursery workers when he was 2, "Mummy why do you always kick me?'
Needless to say I had never ever kicked him.

DS1 wrote in his book in about year 2 that 'Daddy is lots of fun and plays football. Mummy is a doctors and she shouts' 😟
I remember telling my teacher in the 70s that my Dad made bombs - technically he was a safety engineer for a company that made bombs but still....

4 year old DS told his teacher that "Daddy has gone away". Cue worried teacher checking that everything was ok at home. DH had gone on a 3 day training course.

These stories are great!

I always remember my DCs' reception-year teacher saying, 'We promise not to believe all the things they tell us about you, if you promise not to believe all the things they tell you about us.'

MY poor mother had to deal with no end of this nonsense.

Once I was pratting about with my friends with the bunsen burners in the chem labs and a drop of melted plastic landed on my leg. It burned a perfectly round hole straight through my skin on my thigh and, since it was v hot simultaneously cauterized the wound. OBVIOUSLY I didn't tell the teacher and he's have had my guts for garters for being so stupid and breaking about 20 rules.

The burn was later spotted by my tutor who asked what I'd done, my half arsed brush off vague explanation didn't cut the mustard and since it looked like a cigarette burn I got put on a sort of watch list as potentially being abused and my mother had to deal with the fallout.

Additionally I competed at a very high level in a sport where you hold on to your teammates arms. Sometimes it is necessary to hold quite firmly. I bruise like a peach, so I used to have visible hand print shaped bruises on my upper arms and forearms frequently. In exactly the same place as they would be if someone grabbed you/held you shook you etc. not to mention assorted evil looking bruises all over the rest of me.

I've no idea how often my mother had to field the calls and investigations. poor woman.

The most stupid thing about it all was that the school was well aware of my participation in the sport, as I regularly had time off in term time to compete overseas. Plus i was a confident and chatty child who happily explained and showed off my bruise collections.

My nephew told his nursery that I had tried to run him over and his mum had to stop me. They wouldn’t let me take him and I had to go get his mum.

It was toy cars, and his mum giving the theatrical ‘noooo’ as I ran up his leg with said toy car.
I laugh now, but I didn’t at the time.

At my children’s primary school (many years ago) they had to write what they did at the weekend every week and ds1 often said we got drunk every weekend ( we had a couple of glasses of wine) but when we went to parents evening the teacher told us that if we didn’t believe everything he said about her she wouldn’t believe everything he wrote about us.

Most children do it.

The very sensible and experienced reception teacher told all the new parents that as long as we didn't believe everything we were told about had happened at school, she wouldn't believe what she was told about from home. I think we could trust her to be able to tell whether there were any real problems. Some of these are really funny though.

Haha I hadn’t thought about this happening as DD is just starting to talk... dreading it now!

However, I do remember seeing a ‘what do your parents do’ activity that I had done as a child that said ‘My mummy sits around on the sofa all day eating Pringles’.