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Original poster

To try and recreate a Christmas market in my back garden.

213 replies

Namechabged · 27/11/2020 23:26

All I’ve got so far is an extension lead so I can plug a slow cooker and a microwave in outside, and taking £100 out of the cash machine. I’m thinking I sling four bottles of Aldi mulled wine and some sliced oranges in the slow cooker and charging myself £7 deposit for a mug and £6 for a top up, and then mircrowaving some hotdogs and doughnuts and Nutella and charging £6 for them too. I haven’t got any further than that but welcome ideas.

OP posts:
Helpmylecreuset · 28/11/2020 00:49

Don’t forget an alcoholic Santa with a beard that’s slightly falling off.

ZenNudist · 28/11/2020 00:47

Moredrunkthanblessed I knew manikins was wrong but too tired to work out how to spell it!

MoreDrunkThanBlessed · 28/11/2020 00:41

Set up some stalls selling ‘artisanal crafts’ (knitted scarves full of holes etc) and set up a number of mannequins in front of said stalls so you can only look at the goods at a distance of at least 2 metres over the shoulders of the mannequins.

viques · 28/11/2020 00:41

Do you know any teens who would be willing to sit on plastic chairs in a gazebo dressed as Elsa and Anna? £15 pp photo opportunity only, no gifting/chat/singing.

Helpmylecreuset · 28/11/2020 00:40

I can send my DH around to piss against your fence if you like?

TerrifiedandWorried · 28/11/2020 00:34

Local ale - put loads of tiny samples on a tray in plastic shot glasses. Then charge yourself £20 for a 3 pack gift set.

ZenNudist · 28/11/2020 00:32

More ideas: can you get some shop manikins to emulate the crowded effect?

You sausages should overhang the bun by at least 1 inch either end.

In Manchester we also have armed police units on hand and a solid perimeter of concrete and metal as a handy reminder that nutcases try and run down large crowds. Only build this if you really want to invest in infrastructure. Perhaps improvise with cardboard boxes. Enter the perimeter, and then slowly slowly shuffle through all the manikins before getting your overpriced drink.

Only put in seating that's already taken with shop dummies. Eventually clear one seat only so one of the family can sit on it whilst everyone else crowds round.

43abc · 28/11/2020 00:26

Don’t forget hot chocolate for the kids, When in Aldi get box of chocolate powder for £1 And a bag off marshmallows 70p
Charge £4 each +£1 for a marshmallow on top

ZenNudist · 28/11/2020 00:24

You need to alternate 'stalls' selling wooden word signs like 'Love' and 'Home' at £30+ a pop. Handbags made out of felt, feel free to charge an extortionate price, cushions (also saying 'Love etc), the aforementioned fudge, the mix of biscuits. It helps if many stalls sell the same shite. Must put up notices which say 'handmade with love'. Everything "handmade" and not a range knock off oh no justifies its extortionate price tag.

Ooh and go to Aldi and buy some cheeses and salamis and nuts and jam but make sure you charge 4x normal prices. Jam £8, cheese £12.50, salami £15.99.

Legoandloldolls · 28/11/2020 00:21

Block your toilet, wee on the floor, remove all loo rolland queue half a hour for it.

I love Christmas markets! 😭

FlippinNoah · 28/11/2020 00:21

Don't forget the melted snow/grey sludge you need to smear all over your best boots. For extra authenticity you can splatter the sludge up the back of your jeans.

You also need a selection of 'alternative' wooden 'artisan' decorations, think 3ft mushrooms or those hedgehog doorstop things with bristles on that you can wipe your (sludgy) boots on.

Think of a price you'd pay for them, stick a zero on the end, slap it on an artisan price tag (handwritten on brown card & tied on with artisan string) and sell them at that price to your 'guests.'

Original poster
Namechabged · 28/11/2020 00:16

and too many onions YES!

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechabged · 28/11/2020 00:16

YES! I need to go and buy some fosters and put it in plastic glasses with a massive head and charge myself £8 a pint. Yes to just playing horrible Christmas songs too, and the
Glow sticks yes. I could just not let myself wee for four hours as well.

OP posts:
lowbudgetnigella · 28/11/2020 00:09

Invite some drunk woman round to swear profusely in front of your kids and tell you you shouldn't have fing brought them to an adult event when you complain (queueing for the merry go round at 4.30)

Tigger001 · 28/11/2020 00:09

20 'cheeky bastard' pounds per bag.

😂😂😂 so bloomin' true

JamieLeeCurtains · 28/11/2020 00:05

License about 1 metre squared of your garden. Point a speaker at it, about 11 out of 10 on the Dobly scale of sound should do it.

Charge yourself £7 for a pint of lager whilst being hemmed into this tiny beer garden, being blasted by Bing Crosby.

Greenmarmalade · 28/11/2020 00:00

Cover yourself in clingfilm and glitter, take a selfie. You won't be able to get a plastic dome to pose in this close to Christmas sadly.

Grin
grassisjeweled · 27/11/2020 23:55

Hire 8 scallys (scuse my French) to have a massive fist fight in your garden. They need to be bleeding afterwards.

Then sweep up the broken glass

viques · 27/11/2020 23:55

And make sure you turn the sprinkler hose on for at least three days beforehand to replicate authentic churned up mud.

You also need to ensure that only one toilet in your street is working, remember to save empty toilet roll inner tubes to scatter on the floor to prove that the toilets were serviced by scribble signature three hours previously.

grassisjeweled · 27/11/2020 23:53

2 more words :

Artisan Soap

AKA

Bag o'wank

SushiGo · 27/11/2020 23:53

There definitely needs to be more queueing. Perhaps segregate the garden using metal barriers.

Notcontent · 27/11/2020 23:53

Love it!!

grassisjeweled · 27/11/2020 23:52

Get one of those mini Heineken kegs and charge yourself £8 a pint?

Put your bare feet in a washing up bowl full of iced water, so they'll be as cold as if you were hovering around Deansgate?

Sit outside on a bar stool for 6 hours then wonder why you're supposed to be enjoying yourself?

GarethSouthgatesWaistcoat · 27/11/2020 23:52

Oh and as per PP's suggestion hit up Poundland for all manner of glow sticks and light up wands and flog them for £££.

LoisWilkersonslastnerve · 27/11/2020 23:52

Cover yourself in clingfilm and glitter, take a selfie. You won't be able to get a plastic dome to pose in this close to Christmas sadly.