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Original poster

To try and recreate a Christmas market in my back garden.

213 replies

Namechabged · 27/11/2020 23:26

All I’ve got so far is an extension lead so I can plug a slow cooker and a microwave in outside, and taking £100 out of the cash machine. I’m thinking I sling four bottles of Aldi mulled wine and some sliced oranges in the slow cooker and charging myself £7 deposit for a mug and £6 for a top up, and then mircrowaving some hotdogs and doughnuts and Nutella and charging £6 for them too. I haven’t got any further than that but welcome ideas.

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 30/11/2020 09:38

That sounds more like the English one @JesusInTheCabbageVan Grin

CaptainMyCaptain · 30/11/2020 09:37

@keeprocking

Slices of pineapple dipped in thick dark chocolate. Other fruits work but these are my favourite. A huge vat of creamy garlic mushrooms. Burn plenty of incense cones for authentic aroma. Hot dogs should be replace with Bratwurst. Thick chunks of barbecued pork in bread rolls. Pea and ham soup.
[hmmm]

I think you're missing the point of this, that sounds too nice. Like the Christmas market we went to in Budapest. Ham hocks cooking on cast iron stoves ... mmm.

littlebirdieblue · 29/11/2020 20:37

Brilliant!

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 29/11/2020 20:13

@keeprocking

Slices of pineapple dipped in thick dark chocolate. Other fruits work but these are my favourite. A huge vat of creamy garlic mushrooms. Burn plenty of incense cones for authentic aroma. Hot dogs should be replace with Bratwurst. Thick chunks of barbecued pork in bread rolls. Pea and ham soup.
Yes! Have a billboard at the entrance featuring all of these. Big glossy pictures. For your actual food, though, you need:

Flumps on a stick drizzled with a petri dish of warm melted milk chocolate. £9, or £20 for two.
Huge vat with small puddle of mushrooms at bottom. Everyone steering clear till they can offload it and make fresh.
Burn plenty of money for authentic aroma.
Hot dogs should be replaced with cold dogs.
Small chunks of connective tissue in sugar and brown.
What's that in the tureen? They can't hear you. You'll only find out if you point at it.

Henio · 29/11/2020 20:02

Could you dress a large dog up as a reindeer and charge for a picture of yourself straddling it?

keeprocking · 29/11/2020 19:51

@CorianderQueen

You need to charge £5 for cheap German baubles goo OP!

And you need special German mustard.

Curry ketchup as well. Reading some of these ideas some people have been to some awful Christmas Markets, try Hamburg and Rothenburg when the world is free again!
keeprocking · 29/11/2020 19:47

Slices of pineapple dipped in thick dark chocolate. Other fruits work but these are my favourite.
A huge vat of creamy garlic mushrooms.
Burn plenty of incense cones for authentic aroma.
Hot dogs should be replace with Bratwurst.
Thick chunks of barbecued pork in bread rolls.
Pea and ham soup.

CorvusPurpureus · 29/11/2020 17:59

Arrange a 'car bar' in someone else's parking slot so you can nip out periodically & top up on Home Bargains Whisky without ripping yourself off at your Hot Toddy stall.

Leave a teenage dc in charge of guarding it, with strict instructions to invite all their mates over to 'help'.

Send their head teacher a guest of honour invite for about 2 hours in.

Encourage the assembled teens to welcome her with a cheery chant of 'Mrs Smith's a wanker, nah nah nah nah' before one of them pukes on her shoes.

Bonus point if the puker is young Miss/Master Smith.

LEELULUMPKIN · 29/11/2020 15:06

This reminds me of Jerry the Berry and the Family "Fun Day" on Phoenix Nights!

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 29/11/2020 14:51

Thank you, best thread ever, so much more fun than actually going

Gifgif · 29/11/2020 14:49
  • a raffle
Gifgif · 29/11/2020 14:49

Organise acraffle and make sure you as the organiser win all the prizes.

Gifgif · 29/11/2020 14:47

Get your kids to draw something then charge yourself for it or was that only our primary school?

pinkdragons · 29/11/2020 14:41

Don't forget to let the OLD/tinder world know you have the perfect venue for their not-awkward-at-all first meet ups.

Some additional hand holding so in love, loved up couples would also add to the ambiance.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 29/11/2020 14:40

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett

You forgot to add a charge - £2 per visit. This will seem cheap to the people who’ve just paid £5 for a paper cup of something that might optimistically be called “mulled wine” and £8 for some “artisan fudge”.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 29/11/2020 14:20

Portals = portaloos, obvs.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 29/11/2020 14:20

@FazeleysRoyale

I am laughing out loud so much I just had to rush off and have a wee Grin
@FazeleysRoyale raises a good point. Have you installed a line of portals - one per 2,000 visitors is about the right ratio. Make sure they're physically as far away as possible from the market, maybe pop them by the car you've parked 5 streets away? Whatever you do though, don't add lights or loo roll.
JamieLeeCurtains · 29/11/2020 14:10

Only offer yourself those sausages that are essentially minced gizzards in a sleeve of chewy intestine

Chop up a few of these and pour a jar of Asda Smart Price curry sauce over these hideous scrags of sausage. Serve a tiny portion of it in a stale hotdog roll and call it Traditional German Curry Wurst.

Charge yourself £6.99.

FazeleysRoyale · 29/11/2020 14:05

I am laughing out loud so much I just had to rush off and have a wee Grin

CurrentEvents · 29/11/2020 14:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

cheesecrack · 29/11/2020 13:48

Oh and some weird helicopter on an elastic band thing that just doesn't bloody fly.

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 29/11/2020 13:25

@JaniceBattersby

Erm, I think you forgot the stall selling light sabers / wands/ swords that glow but you’re not really sure why but remember some story from the 1980s about them being radioactive so you say no three times before saying FFS OK then you can have one.

The price? £15 each or two for £40.

You've got to get lightsabers so that the kids start out having a fun play fight, despite your warnings that it'll end in tears, until one of them hits the other too hard/pokes them in the eye and they get into a full on fight. So then you have to wrestle them apart and put up with sulking all evening.

Also, a jewellery stall that sells that weird spirally silver jewellery that nobody has bought since the 90s.

To try and recreate a Christmas market in my back garden.
cheesecrack · 29/11/2020 13:23

Do you have access to anything vaguely resembling a husky - looking a bit menacing- that you can tie up outside a shed (Santa's workshop) and let the howling commence? Remember nobody can touch the dog. It's for show only.

CorianderQueen · 29/11/2020 13:23

You need to charge £5 for cheap German baubles goo OP!

And you need special German mustard.

Jaxhog · 29/11/2020 12:45

I'm going to get out a pasting table and fill it with crap I've bought at previous Christmas markets. Marked up, of course. And maybe invest in a substandard snow machine, where I can stand with a boiling hot mulled wine in a melting paper cup, while my jeans get soaked.

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