To be annoyed that no one has ever told me I look like an actual sea monster in real life?

Usually we use Skype, today we had to do zoom, from a distance I looked ok, but fuck me, when I had to present, I could see myself on the video, obviously, and it was really disconcerting, I kept thinking I looked really bad up close, and trying not to stare at my own image talking, whilst doing a presentation.

Wasn’t my finest hour...

I forgot I had a meeting until a couple of minutes beforehand. Was still in my pyjamas and my hair was soaking wet. I stuck a post it note over the camera and pretended it wasn’t working. Which was inspired until it fluttered off 5 mins into the meeting. One of my colleagues did a massive fart 😂

And my multiple chins - I've spend most meetings with my hand under my chin to try and hide this - I'm very aware of the fact it is just drawing attention to the middle aged jowliness that has become my face.
When my 20 years younger than me fresh faced colleagues appear on screen I could sob.

Hilarious.

My face is fine. It is.

But I cannot work out when my eyes and nose and mouth shrunk so much that they now resemble little pissholes in the snow.

Or when my cheeks expanded so that my head is now moon-shaped.

Or when my hair stopped being flowing locks of gold and became greasy strings of spaghetti tied back in a lump.

Or when my tits got so big they my massive moon face looks like it is rising up between two mountains.

WHEN did all this happen and why did no fucker TELL me?

The last meeting I did, my Auntie Susan strangely appeared instead of me...

Webcam beauty filter?
I'd be happy to look like the unfiltered version...
www.bbc.com/news/blogs-trending-49151042

I look like a bowling ball in a bad wig. And I repeat myself, so I tell the story one way, then tell it again, just in a different way, whilst flapping my hands.

I also sound as though I need to be sedated, just to make sense.

Send help.

The people who look good are probably using the 'touch up my appearance' feature on Zoom. And the equivalent on Teams. At least that's what I keep telling myself

Don't know if it's been mentioned but you can 'touch up my appearance' on zoom (go to preferences then video).

I don't know if it works on actual sea monsters but it might help a little.

Someone mentioned Joan Collins up thread. I read an article in a Sunday magazine once when they asked celebs to share their taking good pictures tips. Hers was to push your tongue up to the roof of your mouth and lift up your head to get rid of your double chin. Bit tricky if you need to speak of course, but that wasn't the brief.

Here’s my advice from a fellow sea monster - place your laptop/tablet higher up than your face so you are looking up rather than down and put on more make up than you normally would in real life, it really does help!

Oh gosh yes Skype is so cruel. I look like all my colleagues’ mum, rather than their manager. It’s clear that I’m puffy because I’m drinking like a fish. And I keep using my fingertips to give myself a facelift while talking to them. And I need eyelid surgery. One one side. Fuck me. I’m really far from how I appear in my head, where I’m basically a sex goddess, rather than a pink blubbery version of Aunt Lydia.

I have to have a video conference next Tuesday. When I am on camera I look like a potato. My head is a weird shape and I far more chins than I was aware of.
By the way, I hate my voice too.

I have discovered that if I am facing very bright sunlight when on a webcam the over exposure leaves just eyes and mouth on screen, which is quite enough of me to communicate effectively.

I knew my eyebrows weren't looking good as I haven't been able to have them threaded but a Teams meeting has shown me just how caterpillary they are - I'm in danger of growing a monobrow.

Howling with laughter, so much so that’s it’s triggered an asthma attack.
I can relate to you all, which is why I avoid all video calls of any type.

Hahaha have loved this thread

Whilst I'm killing myself laughing at this thread, it's because I'm secure in the knowledge that none of you can see my bulbous nose, red face and saggy jaw onscreen. I look like a gnarly leprechaun.

Oh they couriered webcams and/or laptops to our lot when one or two said cameras didn't work. I just tried fuzzying out the background but now it's all great big moose on screen, no distractions. The background is the only thing I can actually control the look of, not my actual moose face.

I tell everyone that my camera doesn’t work. This is because of the electrical tape stuck across it, but they don’t know that.

I conditioned my hair especially this morning so a scarecrow wouldnt scare the clients.
How can anyone take me seriously when I sound like a 5yr old girl whose eaten 4 bags of sherbet and in hyper mode?

God I'm irritating.

I need a brace.

I need to be extra careful that those couple of dark hairs at the side of mouth are moved. Look like cats whiskers.

I don't know how my DP fancies me. I wouldnt. After this pandemic I am going to a beauty salon and tell them to sort it all out.

I'm going to do all future conferencing/zooming etc making my eyes really big, talking really deeply in the hope it hides all the other aspects.

I've just watched that Hot and Flashy lady doing a youtube video about how to look good in video meetings - I still look like a moose, just one with better lighting. Maybe I actually need the house rewired, that'll be it.

My hairdresser and I were convinced that the new haircut was rather fine, in a shaggy kind of way. That was several weeks ago. I now look like a mop on top of several chins.

I’m thanking all of my lucky stars that my company has banned the use of the video function on conference calls while we all work from home.. Apparently this is something to do with saving the company IT system from collapse. I suspect it’s more to do with a few of the bosses having seen themselves on screen. It’s bad enough that I keep catching a reflection of myself in the laptop screen, I’d have to put a bag over my head if i had to do an actual video call.

Top tip - position the laptop far away from you and use blur background - works a treat