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Original poster

To be annoyed that no one has ever told me I look like an actual sea monster in real life?

307 replies

MaudBaileysGreenTurban · 21/04/2020 13:27

I have just watched myself on a recorded Teams meeting.

Sweet fucking Jesus.

My face is basically a blancmange in a plastic bag with two googly Mr Potato Head eyes stuck on wonky. One is half-shut all the time.

When I talk, my mouth sort of does a collapsy thing.

Where is my chin? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY CHIN?

I can't believe I've actually been walking around, conversing with people, looking like this. For years.

Why did no one tell me I looked like this????

OP posts:
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8
Crickets · 25/04/2020 12:23

All of our team has put stickers over their cameras. We are going to do a Teams meeting by special appt next week. I'm going to practise and stage. The thing I'm most worried about is how massive my boobs look. I think I need to find a top the same colour as the background and just be a face.

Thanks for the tips.

danni0509 · 25/04/2020 08:43

I usually have my lip and chin waxed it stops it growing back every 2 days. Obviously that can't be done now so I'm shaving. I've got permanent stubble.

Ds asked me why I have splinters on my chin last night?

Atla · 25/04/2020 00:32

Joining late, but where the fuck is my jawline? My head is just a massive round circle, like a child's drawing.

PerkyPomPoms · 25/04/2020 00:13

Glorious! After teaching via 4 Zoom calls a day I have given up and am rocking the wicked witch of the west look! At least the children always seem pleased to see me haha

SerophenaPickle · 24/04/2020 23:25

Ahh this threat has had me in tears. So so funny! And some very vivid descriptions 😁😁thank you lovely mumsnetters!

Autumnchill · 24/04/2020 18:24

Aha! Put the laptop on two photo albums today (yes they're from the 90s). Looked a lot better!

BacklashStarts · 24/04/2020 15:28

Apparently my head is the same width as my neck? Wtf? I knew I had no chin but that’s only an issue in profile where I look like queen Victoria. I thought I had a nice shaped face but no I’m just a neck with a pair of specs stuck on the front!

Zaphodsotherhead · 24/04/2020 10:50

This is THE best thread to read when you are suffering Covid-Blues!

ssd · 24/04/2020 10:46

It's my voice that's the problem. I lwats imagined I had a strong, clear voice. I sound like your grans just sat on the cat, a sort of mixture of gran and cat.
It's not nice.

GoodbyeToCare · 24/04/2020 10:43

Why am I orange? Where have my eyes gone? Are my cheeks really that huge? I look like a hamster who is binge eating.

OVienna · 24/04/2020 08:30

LaMarsch Staaap it!!! My hound is howling at me laughing and waking up the entire Crescent!!!

SlowHorse · 24/04/2020 00:05

FFS. As previously posted, resemble my username but didn't realise. What effing fresh hell is this? I chaired a talk and I 'wobble' my head - WTF? I've had training [thousands of years ago] on how to present!!!

FelicisNox · 23/04/2020 23:47

I was watching myself on Tik Tok with my daughter today... I literally look like a blancmange.

I feel your pain sister.

LaMarschallin · 23/04/2020 23:01

Thinking about the high-enough-to-cause-vertigo earwax melting pitch of my voice, they may have to be masochists as well.

A specialist market, but one I think I could corner.

LaMarschallin · 23/04/2020 22:50

Craftycorvid

The really disconcerting one is where my voice comes back to me on a FaceTime call like a west country mouse on helium.

This ^^ Except Welsh. Andreallyreallyreallyfast.

I was so pleased one day when I walked in to hear my secretary transcribing some letters.
Huskily talking away was this smooth-talking, pre-USA Catherine Zeta Jones soundalike.

Then she explained that the only way she could understand me was to turn the speed down to its slowest.

And gave me a quick blast of what I really sound like Shock

I'm considering looking into jobs (wo)manning a sex chat line for premature ejaculaters:
"I'mwearingblackundiesOhthat'sgoodBigBoymoremore... ohyoudonethen?"

1point21gigawatts · 23/04/2020 22:06

games that should say 🙄

1point21gigawatts · 23/04/2020 22:05

I also seem to sound like a he's mistress from the chalet school. Jolly hockey sticks gals!!

1point21gigawatts · 23/04/2020 22:04

I just woke DD up giggling out loud at the shaved mole comment on the first page 😂

During lockdown someone appears to have stolen my neck. My head goes straight down to join my shoulders with no visible neck in between. I'm sure I used to have a neck. I have lots of scarves. Where will I out them now I have no neck?!

OVienna · 23/04/2020 20:47

@bringincrazyback

I can't even laugh out loud anymore because I irritate myself so intensely, thinking about the racket I emit.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 23/04/2020 20:45

I look so GAUNT on Teams. Like an old witch. I am 39 but look about 400.

Speminalium · 23/04/2020 20:06

Thank you thank you! I had to record myself singing this week, turns out I am totally the wrong colour these days, hideous hideous hair and look like Ibe been wrestling small children all day (I had)
Then oh my God, listening back to an out of practice voice, I didn't know where to put myself. Then I had to send it to be put into one of those split screen videos choirs are doing. Which might God forbid go viral. Then I'm officially leaving planet earth.

JoeExoticsHusband · 23/04/2020 19:55

This is everything! Been laughing so much at this, thank you 😁.

Troels · 23/04/2020 19:48

I hate myself on zoom. Tonight I looked so pale with fair hair, I was almost invisible against a white background. I need to move to a different wall so people actually know theres someone there. It's so weird.

bringincrazyback · 23/04/2020 19:34

I always knew I had a round face, but till webcam I never knew it looked like the actual moon.
Or that my voice makes me sound 12.
Or that I have no detectable jawline when I look down.

Sounds like we're all going to need self-esteem counselling by the time this is over. But not via Skype, obvs.

bringincrazyback · 23/04/2020 19:31

I sort of feel for you, OP. But you haven't heard the sound of my fucking voice. 25+ years in the UK and I STILL sound like Janyce from Friends.

Hahahahahaha (sorry, couldn't help myself Grin )

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