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Original poster

Thread for really fucking ugly houseplants

315 replies

ScribblyGum · 06/03/2020 17:51

That you wish would just die naturally, but because they just won’t you are burdened by guilt with prolonging their pitiful heinous existence.

Here is my entry, a 14 month old poinsettia. Just look at the state of it, ugly Christmas 2019 bastard.
Can I bin it? No I cannot. Have I taken it outside to die by cold twice and then brought it back in again? Yes, yes I have.

JUST DIE WILL YOU.

Show me your horrid plants.

Thread for really fucking ugly houseplants
OP posts:
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Original poster
ScribblyGum · 07/03/2020 09:19

@housinghelp101 but presumably you need to water them though, in their state of darkness? Do you have to water them in the dark too? I really had no idea. I loathe it even more now knowing that I really should put it to bed like a fucking tortoise for a quarter of a year.

OP posts:
Lamentations · 07/03/2020 09:14

I must also confess to not being able to throw away the potted herbs that you buy in the salad section easily. I have to put them outside to give them a chance before they can go in the bin. Some of the bastards actually grow back - but never enough to provide useful edible foliage - just to annoy me.

housinghelp101 · 07/03/2020 08:49

Love this thread! Poinsettias need to be covered with a box (not even a chink of light) for 16 weeks a year in order for them to flower properly the next year. So you don't even need to witness the ugliness for 4 months! 😂

labazsisgoingmad · 07/03/2020 08:41

no hopeless i like them buy them then end up either drowning them or they are drier than the sahara

Squidwitch · 07/03/2020 08:31

@ScribblyGum I'm gonna find that book!

Oblomov20 · 07/03/2020 08:23

This thread is really funny. Well done OP. Cheered me right up!

Original poster
ScribblyGum · 07/03/2020 08:15

@TheNoodlesIncident whaaaat? Covering it up with a bin bag? What is this plant high-maintenance fuckery? I'm glaring at my stupid hateful poinsettia now having really strong end of life thoughts about it. Maybe if I put it in the garage? That’s not quite as extreme as putting it in the bin. The garage is very cold this time of year...

OP posts:
Original poster
ScribblyGum · 07/03/2020 08:11

@Squidwitch have you read The Girl With All The Gifts? Spider plants jumble sale spider plants...

OP posts:
Oohmegooliebird · 06/03/2020 23:43

I have just said goodbye to one of my three plants. It was given to me by one of my patients. They have a terminal illness and I was desperate to keep it alive.

Unfortunately I couldn't even manage that :(

TheNoodlesIncident · 06/03/2020 23:35

Poinsettias tend to look really really shit in the following year, as you have to go through an arduous regime of covering them up with a black bin bag daily for a certain amount of time, and who could seriously be arsed with that? If all it needed was a brisk haircut, then yeah, but honestly, having to force them like rhubarb is tiresome.

Just bin it. Then buy a different leafy victim and post how it looks in six months' time. Grin

Squidwitch · 06/03/2020 23:34

The problem is in the 70s and 80s you couldn't go to a jumble sale and return without an adolescent spider plant in a white plastic cup. Then they were nurtured for ten years on a windowsil sat in a coleslaw pot. Then IKEA was invented and people bought plants that actually looked good and the Spidey's developed a strategy: only the strongest would be allowed to survive. Hence the ironman bastard's we've got now

Original poster
ScribblyGum · 06/03/2020 22:46

You accidentally killed your ugly aloe plant @DdJames! You are the thread hero. An accidental death is the only way the rest of these travesties are going to meet their maker.

OP posts:
TheMemoryLingers · 06/03/2020 22:39

My last house plant died in 1998 but I'm loving this thread.

DdJames · 06/03/2020 22:33

And this is why plants don't tend to survive in my care!

Just shut it's arm in the clothes horse and ripped it from it's pot! Confused

Thread for really fucking ugly houseplants
Imonlymoominafterall · 06/03/2020 22:32

This thread isFUCKING BRILLIANT. I have a hideous peace lily and can tell you they thrive on neglect the shit heads. Thank you so much for cheering me up.

dementedma · 06/03/2020 22:24

What is it with peace lilies? My mother donated the huge, pot bound one she kept in her bath ( seriously) to me. I called her Audrey, prised her from her root bound home and set about her with a fork and trowel to try and split her up. I now have Audrey, who survived the surgery, Audrey 2 and Seymour. All thriving but Audrey has now outgrown her new pot and needs to undergo the knife once more. These things are fucking indestructible!

DateLoaf · 06/03/2020 22:24

The most terrifying are passion flower plants. We used to have them growing up through the floorboards looking for light like skinny, pale, waxy fingers

BobTheDuvet · 06/03/2020 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WentToMarket · 06/03/2020 22:21

Ooh! I know this one! Cheese plants whose leaves don’t split are deficient in something. Light, water, something. One of those things.

BursarsDriedFrogPills · 06/03/2020 22:16

@quirrels

Those of you who plucked up the courage to throw the mo sters on the compost heap. You do know that when you dig it over the plant will still be there, growing yellow in the dark?

No. This cannot be. I refuse to believe it.

TheVanguardSix · 06/03/2020 22:13

I just want to shout ‘USE A NIT COMB!’ at it.

TheVanguardSix · 06/03/2020 22:12

Reality...

Thread for really fucking ugly houseplants
TheVanguardSix · 06/03/2020 22:10

Wanted this...

Thread for really fucking ugly houseplants
quirrels · 06/03/2020 22:04

Those of you who plucked up the courage to throw the mo sters on the compost heap. You do know that when you dig it over the plant will still be there, growing yellow in the dark?

WouldShouldCould · 06/03/2020 21:50

TheSandman do you have any pictures, yours sounds far too fab to be ugly.