Thread for really fucking ugly houseplants

How have you all got peace lillies that won’t die? I’ve bought several over the years and they look lovely for a while then the little bastards just...give up. The leaves go yellow, rot from the base upwards and I pick them out in the hope of saving the rest until I’ve just got one sad frond gloating at me. Still, I’ve got some lovely (but empty) pots now.

I have recently mustered the courage to throw the Christmas poinsettia away though. No matter what conditions it was in (shade, not shade, partial shade, dappled light, light reflected from a Louis XV mirror, watered, not watered, watered with mineral water, watered with Sauvignon Blanc at a whisper below room temperature) it dropped leaves everywhere. But only when I was there, just to taunt me.

You know that bit in Good Omens when Crowley terrifies his houseplants and holds up an empty pot as a warning to the others (its original occupant having been fed into a shredder)? I’m going to play that on a loop to my plants, especially the strawberry plant that produces Jumanji-like quantities of runners but NO FUCKING STRAWBERRIES.

The children are a bit afraid of it!

I've got a different problem. Bought a plant from ikea to go in a nice bright spot upstairs. Plant was quite small when I bought it. I basically neglect it other than emptying leftover water from a bedside glass in it once in a while when I'm passing the plant on my way downstairs.

Plant is massive now. It's so big it pokes us when we walk past it and it is taking over the upstairs landing. I don't have a bigger spot to move it too. It's big but not particularly attractive. Arsehole.

(that's a big laundry basket next to it for scale)

I can't send a picture because it was 40 years ago, but my DGran had a tall rubber plant in a pot next to the door to her conservatory. My DSis and I, helpful little souls that we were, would water it (watering can kept next to the plant) every time we passed it. Over time it lost all it's leaves from the soil up, ending up as a 6' stick, and everyone was so puzzled why it died...

I have managed to kill a peace lily that I had for over 10 years and DH's mum's geranium that she gave him before she died . We no longer have any live plants in the house. Only the ones in the garden are safe because DH is in charge of them. Send them to me and I will deal with them mmmwahhahha ☠️

@ScribblyGum - bit late, but I had a similar plant, and chopped it right back. 6 weeks later...ta dah!!! I'm SO proud.

I even kill cactus.

What do you mean, die? Sansevieria can DIE?!

Oh yes, water them too much and they rot and die 👹
We got given one years ago, I can’t stand them.
Ugly, ugly things.
Discovered quite by accident it really doesn’t like loads of water

@VenusClapTrap What do you mean, die? Sansevieria can DIE?!

Who knew?!

TheNoodlesIncident Sansevieria plants stink like the devil’s armpit when they die. It is a stench like no other.

This is the funniest shit I’ve read for ages!! I wish I’d taken a picture of the Maidenhair Fern I SET FIRE TO to try to kill off the infestation it had.

Annoyingly, despite wikihow promising success, after months of a charred lump sitting on my windowsill, bugger all sprouted like the Phoenix I was hoping for.

I quite like Harry

Lolling at Harry, Ron and Hermione. That lot sure aren't going to make it through the Sorting Hat

L-R Harry, Ron and Hermione. Disappointing.

I noticed that at work, @Poutintrout. Every time I went past a particular place I got a whiff of what smelled like vomit. I tracked it down to a Sansevieria plant which had had the misfortune of having one of my colleagues tip their tea and coffee dregs into its pot. I had to point out to them that plants can't "digest" milk in any form, seeing as they are not mammals...

That company went into liquidation and I ended up with practically all of the office plants, some of which would have been worthy candidates for this thread. I had them all for many years until I realised I didn't actually like them, so composted the lot via the wheelie bin

I finally realised that it was the plant that stunk.

So . . . it's one of you bastards . . .

I can't post a photo because the offending plant (some kind of palmy thing) got drop kicked down the end of the garden. I thought that we had some kind of sewer leak because every time I had a bath I could smell the most disgusting stench. After resealing the toilet waste pipe and after weeks of throwing massive amounts of disinfectant behind the toilet and scrubbing like a lunatic, I finally realised that it was the plant that stunk. When I stuck my nose near the soil I actually retched.

pebble21uk that looks like something an insane computer might dream up. Are you sure you don't live in Japan, or failing that a graphic novel?

Thanks, bob, I'll see if that kills it off for good!

Glen, that is a truly special cheese plant.

@ScribblyGum? See? Utter useless!

Thank you @woodencoffeetable I don't even try!

actalent = a talent

glenn you certainly have actalent