Thread for really fucking ugly houseplants

I love the poor cactus with erectile dysfunction . I'd be tempted to ruthlessly cut back many of these pathetic plants to try to instil a new lease of life. That spider plant looks like it just needs all the dead, crispy leaves removing, for example.

@bettytaghetti same! In the back you can see it's younger sibling accepting the same fate...

Oooo Venus you have given me hope 🙂

Seeing some of these is making me feel a bit better about mine!

Here is the sod that refuses to die, no matter how neglected it just keeps on growing bigger and bigger. Everything else I actually try my hardest to nurture dies in a nanosecond

@Frouby Venus fly traps go dormant in winter. It will be back in rude health very soon.

I move mine to the greenhouse for the winter because they struggle to go properly dormant in a centrally heated house. But this winter has been so mild, they’ve stayed fully active all winter. I checked on them today and one was cheerfully sucking on a shocked snail.

@KevinBaconHoofDressing I have actual tears running down my face

@KevinBaconHoofDressing you win, that cactus is hideous!

Hold the front page; I think I may have a winner!
I am desperately clinging on to this sad specimen. I grew it from an avocado stone & it had a magnificent collection of leaves until all of a sudden they started turning brown & dropping off. What I thought was a whole load of budding points turned out to be some horrible scaly insect infestation. Got rid of them and desperately hoping the new shoots will sprout but no joy. 😢
Planted a whole bunch more stones (look at how millennial/woke I am with all my avocados! 🤣) and they're starting to sprout finally. Yay!

We have an avocado tree in a pot in the kitchen. As it was dying (we're not good with plants) something else grew out of the pot. Turned out to be a passion flower which is now two storeys tall, growing up through the downsairs ceiling through a lightwell up to a velux in the roof- and it's lost all its lower leaves. So, basically, downstairs in our kitchen, we have a pot with two sticks in. Upstairs it's like a fucking jungle.

Just went to inspect the 2 year old poinsettia and the bastard is starting to turn red. I’ve guilt watered it.

Kevin your plant looks healthier than most, put it’s the only one that made me snigger out loud.

I had a plant once that DM gave me. Dear God, that thing was ugly. And HUGE. And in a pig-ugly pot.

Not sure what sort it was because I don't do plants, but it kind of had tentacles. DM loves plants and thinks that I should, too. So she dropped this monster off with lots of instructions on how to cosset it and fulfil its many requirements. It was very delicate, apparently, and she'd taken great trouble growing it to its current massive size. Needed to be kept in the warm indoors, given lots of sunlight, etc etc.

Now I had just moved house with a newborn baby. That frondy fucker was straight out into the back garden behind the shed, where I ignored it for a year. It got snowed on, waterlogged, you name it. Would it fucking die? Ohhhh no. The bastard looked exactly the same.

In the end I had to chuck it in the wheelie bin, pot and all. It took up half the bin.

We've managed to keep a dragon tree alive for 29 years (given to us as a present in 1991 by student friends as thanks for letting us crash at our house for graduation). It's brother the yucca is long since dead. It's ugly, spindly an the soil is a bit mouldy but kind of feel at the right old age of 29 I need to keep it going

Should also have said it was 30p and a yellow sticker in Tesco when he bought it. Not one to spend money was my old man....

Thing is, poinsettias aren’t really very nice even when they’re in full health. Catch it, bin it, kill it.

I have a plant that my Ddad bought me in September 1998. It has moved house numerous times, been left with my Mum for a year when I was abroad, had various branches snapped off accidentally and yet it still thrives. My mum hates it and wishes it would die but my DDad passed away in October 2017 so I still water it and moved it 300 miles in December.....

You poinsettia looks lush compared to mine @ScribblyGum 🙌🏼 I was going to chuck it out last week, but then noticed it’s started sprouting new leaves. Is there still hope?😬

Behold Lazarus in all his glory. Cat is going in for a further snack. Notice the flowery fingered salute he is giving me.

Here it is...

Ladies and gentlemen... I give you this spectacularly grim cactus. Looked quite neat and pleasant originally. Little did we know it would turn into this droopy horror.

I'm swear I'm on mumsnet so much that it can read my mind. Was just lying on the sofa staring at my shit spider plant and thinking how shit it is; open MN and this thread is there!!! Pic to follow...

My DF is 86 and has more houseplants than Kew Gardens. I witnessed him inspecting them picking up any that weren’t perfect and hurling them into the compost bin. I was really shocked, seemed so wrong.

I binned a leafy bastard a couple of weeks ago after nursing and neglecting it in equal measure for three years. The bellend loved the bathroom, but only in the summer. Literally everywhere else in the house it flumped about resentfully but never had the good grace to actually die. Nothing was ever good enough for it. Prick. I plan on being exactly like it when I’m old.