Your most batshit parenting moments?

@JenniferM1989

"Using the thermometer to check the bath temperature and needlessly adding hot and cold water for ages to get it to the very exact temperature, not even 0.1 of a degree out because he would burn or freeze if I didn't do it correctly in my mind"

Daddy still does this one in our house and ds is 16 months!

Your car seat one cracked me up!

This doesn't really count because we never actually went ahead with it but when we were deciding on which baby monitor to buy, my fiancé really wanted to buy a posh one that had 2 cameras "so you could see the baby from more than 1 different angle at any given time". I stopped him and we got one with one camera!!

When ds was a few months old I had a timetable for his routine up in the kitchen. 'No nappy time' was a scheduled activity, set days and all...

We lived in very central London when my DD arrived, in a very hot summer. The room thermometer was off the scale and I was really quite certain she would combust in the night. My poor husband was forced to walk around the parliament area with me and DD in the pram one night until 1am when the thermometer had dropped down into the "Amber" zone again. The next morning at 6am I back a bag, headed straight to kings cross and got the train to my parents in Leeds because the 3 degrees drop in temperature was the only thing that would keep DD safe 😄

Absolutely unhinged

I remember with DS1, it was either our first or second day home and he was too hot so I phoned the hospital in an utter panic and they suggested that I took a layer off him and retook his temperature in 5/10minutes they were so lovely to me but I felt like an utter muppet!

Called 111 and was sent to A&E because I'd bumped 5 week old DS's head off a cupboard door while he was in the sling. I was crying so hard I could barely tell the 111 operator what was wrong, I think she was imagining a horrific accident. The doctor at A&E was kind and sympathetic but did lose their patience with me slightly when I revealed that DS had actually been asleep throughout the incident: 'What we'd generally say,' he said, struggling to keep a warm tone, 'is that if a child gets the sort of head injury we'd need to see at A&E, then it would probably wake them up'

@Hoppinggreen so glad you posted, I've remembered your layering story from years ago! I always thought it was a great example of how much you loved your child, that you'd give up your coat! It is the sweetest story! How old is DC now?

I found a diary I used to use when sending Ds to mum and mil for childcare. I used to properly rage if someone forgot to write something down, even though I was really scarry and never wrote anything down. Held everyone else to very high standards.

Going to make me sound mental but just remembered arranging to meet a fellow new mum who I’d met at a baby group at a cafe in a park. Ahead of meeting, I started having
a panic that I didn’t know anything about this woman and she could be part of a human trafficking gang who were ready to attack and steal DD. I insisted on giving OH her name, phone number and screen shotted her WhatsApp profile picture in case he needed to alert the authorities of anything.
In the same vein, DD has quite an unusual name and if we were ever stopped by a stranger commenting on how cute she was etc at the shops, if they asked her name I would give tell them it was “Olivia” as I thought we would be harder to track down with such a common name as an alias, should they also be part of some sort of baby stealing gang.
As you may have guessed, I was later diagnosed with severe PND.

We slept with a lamp on a night for about 3 months so I could see the baby at all times. Not a night light, an actual lamp. My DD is 4 now and really hates the dark. I think it’s probably this.

My DS was in darkness to start with,

I used to poke my daughters eyes when she was sleeping because she slept with her eyes open and I thought it would damage her eyes

My pfb was born via c-section and her ears were a bit blocked up with mucus when they did the newborn hearing test. Was reassured by all that this was normal for babies not pushed through the birth canal, no one was concerned!

We brought her home from the hospital, went out for coffee a few days later and I watched in horror as she slept through the cafes fire alarm sporadically going off.

So I did what any sane parent would do...waited until she was fast asleep and did a huge CLAP directly over her. Was relieved when she startled and cried!

Too many to mention, I really did set the neighbourhood high benchmark for hyper-vigilance. It would actually have been nice for someone to have become concerned about me and tried to get me some help, but oh well. Once DD turned 3 I saw it in myself and went to my GP, who got me on a path to better mental health.

But more lightheartedly, I swear I didn’t wear sunglasses or perfume for the first 4 years of DD’s life, because I wanted her to be able to properly see my eyes and smell my proper ‘mummy comfort’ smell.

Pretty much no makeup either, so she’d never have to see me wince away from her touching/kissing my face.

Wish I could laugh more about it now- truth is I still think they are good ideas (which I absolutely took too far).

First snow wanting pictures, I wrapped up the 14month old, in about million layers-literally 5 hats, 4 coats and my adult blanket
Said child is now an adult and regularly braves the snow living in Toronto, with a barely a coat!!!
Same child, at 10yrs old wanted to walk to school alone, I was super paranoid.
Not my proudest moment but I casually followed them home, hiding (behind actual trees) generally behaving like a idiot!
In my defence I was quite young ish and this was not my child (family member)but one I was entrusted with(parents did not care), so felt I had to go the extra mile.

Though the child did everything I told them, looked properly before crossing, mindful of the surrounding and walked with purpose! I felt strangely proud!!!

I have many more-I used to always eat a bit of the fruit that I was giving, to make sure the fruit was not off or too sour.

DS is ASD and would only learn to swim with me pretending he was Woofie the dog. I had to be the Mummy dog Woofo. He would swim doggie paddle woofing like a dog to me and I had to give him pretend bones and cuddles.

One time I looked up and noticed another Mum from primary was watching us

The first time we took the PFB aka DS1 outside it was January 2012. He was the first born grandchild. MIL was visiting. BIL who lives around the corner was over on a Saturday morning. PFB was maybe two weeks old. It took us 30 mins to get ready. It is not clear why. Then we began to walk down the road. BIL brandishing his flash new camera and taking pictures of this sleeping baby every 45 seconds. Every minute or so we stopped to make sure he was fine. MIL told us that despite the buggy shade being pulled over him (and it being a not very sunny London January morning) she was worried about the angle of the sun on the PFB’s face. So she decided to walk at a particular angle to the buggy to offer him protection.

So that was us- me, DH, BIL and camera and MIL walking at a funny angle, all walking very slowly with PFB. We went around the block twice. And came back home.

DS2 did the school run in a sling the day after he came home from hospital. 😳😳😳😳😳

I Had a panic when DC1 was about 3mths, he had a black ‘void’ in the top of his palate. I started panicking and hyperventilating, then a rational thought of, if something had been wrong they’d have seen it at the hospital. It was a piece of paper stuck up there grin]

Taking a towel with me to the supermarket every time to act as a cushion for DD while sitting in the trolley.
Taking DD to a large park for the first time with friends and refusing to sit with her on the grass in case a dog ran over and sniffed near her and I couldn’t jump us both up to safety in time.
Regularly pulling over during fairly short (no more than half an hour) journeys because DD was crying so I would pull over and jump in the back to give her a cuddle and a boob rather than let her cry for a few minutes until we got home.
I could go on all day!

Glad i’m not the only one who fretted over bumpy pram rides. I did a lot of pushing DD on just the single front wheel to minimise jolting on dog walks, bonkers but had fantastic upper arms from it.

Co-sleeping with DD when she was about 9 months old I tried to lift her over me for a feed on the other boob and panicked because her sleeping bag was over her head. Except it wasn’t, I was holding her upside down. She was fine, just a bit confused.

Tipped her three-wheeler buggy over when she was about that age too. Having a nice picnic, and leant on the front to stand up, luckily she was buckled in.

I saved examples of not only locks of hair, but early toe and fingernail clippings, bits of cradle cap and the bit of umbilical cord of pfb. Mainly for nostalgia reasons but in a particularly sleep deprived state i did wonder whether we would be able to clone him in future if the worst ever happened.

I then did the same for ds2 - less batshit but in case he feels left out when he's older

Also I used to make her dad put a towel undoher bum for changes, but I made him go upstairs and warm it by blasting the hairdryer first....

I was given a copy of GF by a colleague.
I actually did iron DD cot sheets to achieve a smooth finish.
Just the once mind...

I did the sheets, went for a pee, looked at myself in the mirror and had a word with myself....

I used to leave written instructions for DH when he was looking after the baby if I went out for a couple of hours

I lost count of the times I put my hand on sleeping baby's tummy while he was asleep to check he was breathing. Only to wake him up.

Putting my finger under DS's nose every 5 minutes while he slept to make sure he was still breathing

Using the thermometer to check the bath temperature and needlessly adding hot and cold water for ages to get it to the very exact temperature, not even 0.1 of a degree out because he would burn or freeze if I didn't do it correctly in my mind

This is my best one. I bought a really good car seat but still, I put a doll and 2 bottles of water into the car seat that weighed what DS weighed. I then drove around a car park doing emergency stops to see if the doll slid out of the seat/got the harness caught round it etc to ensure it was safe enough!

This was all 3 years a go and tonight I watched my 3 year old DS eat a cracker he found under the microwave... yup, I've calmed down now!

I drank a big gulp of bubble mixture after 1 year old DS licked the bottle - had already googled to see it wasn't toxic but wanted to make sure if he had any problems that I would know because I'd have them too

I did feel sick all night (they taste horrific). He, however, was fine