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Original poster

Center Parcs - I thought it was to be kept within my marriage

231 replies

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 17/10/2019 17:09

My family are currently at Center Parcs because we are Scottish, on holiday and we come every year.

Dd ages 15 and add age 13 and I went to the pool at Center Parcs at the busiest time of the week and we are somewhat regretting this choice. It was like people soup, and I have seen every body shape imaginable today ( and honestly no-one cares I know, I cart this awful body around). Anyway, the rapids are our favourite, however it’s possible to get stuck at various points ( we give them names - The pool of unbearable sadness, Dumpy Mermaid gulch, the eddy of despair etc) and at those points it’s possible to get split up from your own friends and family and end up engulfed in the arms and legs of other parties....suffice to say, what happens at Center Parcs stays at Center Parcs, and I suspect some lovely young mid twenties boys who go to the gym may have been turned off women for life.....

I knew that a certain amount of specific intimacy is expected at Center Parcs, however I thought it was supposed to be with my husband and not some student boys from Stafford in the rapids....

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Original poster
BathshebaKnickerStickers · 17/10/2019 19:37

@Pandaintheporridge - it’s that brilliant British mixture of hysterical and cringeworthy.... plus it’s fairly anonymous, it’s not like it’s people you work with

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Pandaintheporridge · 17/10/2019 19:32

Is this actually enjoyable? ConfusedGrin

Faircastle · 17/10/2019 19:31

Most recent time on the rapids (Woburn)...

I had trouble hauling myself over the initial hump before the thing had even begun.
For some reason, instead of diving over forwards on my front, I thought it might be more dignified to turn around and sort of lift my bum over first, going backwards.
Ended up kicking some random bloke in the balls, whilst trying to avoid kicking either of his two small daughters.

Not my finest moment.

Original poster
BathshebaKnickerStickers · 17/10/2019 19:31

My 2 eldest girls and I have just made an amazing theory about compulsory Center Parcs for Scottish people coming from William Wallace being taken to London to be hung drawn and quartered. We figured Center Parcs are the Scottish Equivalent of those Eleanor Crosses - it’s where William Wallace stopped to do pottery painting on the way to his death

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ThomasRichard · 17/10/2019 19:24

DP crashed into a group of women in burkhinis last time we were at Woburn. He felt awful! We set off at the same time but I’m fatter he got swept on faster than me.

MissHemsworth · 17/10/2019 19:21

We were at Sherwood last week. Those rapids are savage!

Elllicam · 17/10/2019 19:20

I am also Scottish but we did our yearly CP trip at Easter. I find the trick to the rapids is encumbering yourself with small squealy toddlers. No one wants to bump into them.

Ohyesiam · 17/10/2019 19:16

Is that part of the Scottish Constitution then, having to do your yearly holiday to CP?

Sagradafamiliar · 17/10/2019 19:12

There's a goose who goes by the name of Daddy Duck at the sherwood one. I know him.

Zaphodsotherhead · 17/10/2019 19:12

Perhaps the unexpected arrivals section of the rapids is how all the stories of Centre Parcs being the place for anal sex got going?

Any sign, OP?

Original poster
BathshebaKnickerStickers · 17/10/2019 19:03

Or squirrel feeding

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Original poster
BathshebaKnickerStickers · 17/10/2019 19:02

The connection with being Scottish is simply that our kids are off school (and I work in a school) so no taking kids out of school for intimate encounters with strangers

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L0bstersLass · 17/10/2019 19:02

@movehimintothesun, love that anecodote. I'm giggling in my living room picturing that scene in my mind's eye.
Brilliantly told.

AuntImmortelle · 17/10/2019 19:02

Oh God yes.

This has brought the whole horror of Centre Pukes back to me. The human soup that is the pool (followed by several days of family bonding over norovirus). And the arms and legs touching other people's fleshy bits.

We've not gone back.

Original poster
BathshebaKnickerStickers · 17/10/2019 18:56

In addition to this, we have had a squirrel in our house twice today - pictures below are of the first visit.

Unfortunately there are no photos of the second visit. It stole an empty old El Paso soft stand and serve taco from the dining room table, and tried to leave by our bedroom window. It took a few attempts for it to sufficiently pivot the taco to facilitate it leaving, to climb up a nearby tree. It came down later, I swear, looking in need of guacamole

Center Parcs - I thought it was to be kept within my marriage
Center Parcs - I thought it was to be kept within my marriage
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kateandme · 17/10/2019 18:55

and i only just understand my gramps comment when we got out and he said "good god,that is the only place a man can grab a random child in your arms and not get into trouble but thanked!"

flashingbeacon · 17/10/2019 18:51

I’m so pleased you started this thread. I hadn’t been in rapids since I was a nimble and taught teenager. I went recently, as a dumpy wobbly mother, with a group of friends. My dear friend brought her new bf who speaks little English. I speak no Polish so we didn’t have talk after his face mashed into my boobs and my leg slid between his. Haven’t looked him in the eye since.

If it happens to everyone i might be able to shake the shame.

kateandme · 17/10/2019 18:50

i remember this when i was little and have only just thought about it! landing far to many times in the open v(legs) of stranger!

Redshoesandtheblues · 17/10/2019 18:50

My family are currently at Center Parcs because we are Scottish

🤣

I'm hilariously bemused at the connection!

Original poster
BathshebaKnickerStickers · 17/10/2019 18:48

Thank you everyone- it has helped me get over this afternoon’s trauma....

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Goldrill · 17/10/2019 18:47

Surely if you're Scottish you should be at Penrith?! Although you mentioned rapids good enough to get stuck in so maybe not!

I narrowly avoided the entire year 11 rugby team of the school I'd just started teaching at a few years ago. No one needs to see their science teacher in a cossie, and I steered well clear of any tangling possibilities.

Zoidbergonthehalfshell · 17/10/2019 18:45

What a brilliant thread! I have nothing specific to contribute, but I know exactly what you mean about the rapids.

OP, you really ought to write professionally. Not only did you make me laugh out loud, but DH too, which is nothing short of a bona fide, solid gold, Pope approved miracle.

CocoLoco87 · 17/10/2019 18:40

I love everything about your OP Grin we're avid CP goers so I understand the alarming intimacy between strangers on the rapids! I particularly love it that you're at CP because you're Scottish 😂

Helmetbymidnight · 17/10/2019 18:40

GrinSmile

Original poster
BathshebaKnickerStickers · 17/10/2019 18:40

@spaniorita thanks for that image. I’ve just eaten (at CP so cost a fortune...)

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