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Original poster

Center Parcs - I thought it was to be kept within my marriage

231 replies

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 17/10/2019 17:09

My family are currently at Center Parcs because we are Scottish, on holiday and we come every year.

Dd ages 15 and add age 13 and I went to the pool at Center Parcs at the busiest time of the week and we are somewhat regretting this choice. It was like people soup, and I have seen every body shape imaginable today ( and honestly no-one cares I know, I cart this awful body around). Anyway, the rapids are our favourite, however it’s possible to get stuck at various points ( we give them names - The pool of unbearable sadness, Dumpy Mermaid gulch, the eddy of despair etc) and at those points it’s possible to get split up from your own friends and family and end up engulfed in the arms and legs of other parties....suffice to say, what happens at Center Parcs stays at Center Parcs, and I suspect some lovely young mid twenties boys who go to the gym may have been turned off women for life.....

I knew that a certain amount of specific intimacy is expected at Center Parcs, however I thought it was supposed to be with my husband and not some student boys from Stafford in the rapids....

OP posts:
Tailendofsummer · 12/10/2021 21:57

I'm trying to work out if this is enjoyable or not. You don't have to do it do you, they don't actually round you up and fire you down the rapids?
I'm Scottish but we're too poor for CP, just a caravan for us this half term Grin

Laiste · 12/10/2021 21:47

Never been on the rapids, but friend and i ran into trouble a couple of years ago at the shallow end of a ''beach pool'' when they turned the waves on at the far end.

We were sitting chatting in 2 inches of water and was amused to hear the warning siren come on. Being in the shallows we awaited the gentle lapping of waves but instead got hit smack in the faces by a tsunami which took us both onto our backs, legs in the air, smashed against the wall and washed back round into the shallows. With being in hysterics plus the relentless pounding of the waves we simply couldn't get upright.

We rolled around in the surf with tits and arses alternatively surfacing for a good 5 minutes. And this was right in front of the glass wall of the cafe - full of bemused onlookers Blush When it finally stopped we stood up, adjusted ourselves and walked quietly away.

Faircastle · 12/10/2021 21:33

@BathshebaKnickerStickers I'm impressed at your dedication. I was reading through this thread, vicariously enjoying the anecdotes, and saw one that I had posted - a memory that I had fully repressed until this evening.

Sn0tnose · 12/10/2021 21:31

We’re going to Elveden next year. I can’t swim, I’m incredibly clumsy, I hate water going up my nose and if I have to haul myself over anything then it’s just not happening. I assume I’m best off avoiding the rapids?

Dustingiseasy · 12/10/2021 21:05

@Redshoesandtheblues

My family are currently at Center Parcs because we are Scottish

🤣

I'm hilariously bemused at the connection!

It’s our half term
Original poster
BathshebaKnickerStickers · 12/10/2021 20:48

Back at Elveden at the moment. Very polite young man suggested I go in front of him on the rapids. I advised him that really wasn’t a good idea and gave him a 30 second gap. Literally at one point let a family of 14 past me as I was in full legitimate beached whale mode.

No intimate contact with strangers thankfully

OP posts:
titnomatani · 14/10/2020 21:06

To be fair as long as you apologise all the way down as a chant, it can be quite a thrill with strangers who probably have nice houses

😂😂😂😂

teaandcustardcreamsx · 14/10/2020 20:43

When I went on them I was on my period. I had no idea how fucking intense they were and never thought it was possible for a tampon to shoot out before ... until then! I’ve never been so fucking scared on a water ride until then Grin

Houseplanted · 14/10/2020 17:02

We went to centre parcs as a big family group. I refused to go on the rapids with my parents in law, couldn’t cope with the level of intimacy it brings (but can cope when it’s strangers I will hopefully never see again or even DSs year 3 teacher)

serialreturner · 14/10/2020 16:56

I nearly bloody drowned and DD who was 3 at the time got swept off!

Random (very handsome) toned and tanned man grabbed her. I'm a shit swimmer anyway but that was off the bloody scale.

She loved it - shrieking - do it AGAIN Mummmmmmyyy!

Original poster
BathshebaKnickerStickers · 14/10/2020 16:52

Just to let you know that we are back at Center Parcs and the rapids are now BRILLIANT. You can only go down in family groups so you can only wrap your legs around your own husband and children...!!!

OP posts:
marvellousnightforamooncup · 21/10/2019 17:10

I didn't realise the bumsex at CP was inadvertent.

galvantula · 21/10/2019 15:35

I think we need a special Mumsnet wave/nod sign for next October's compulsory CP week. Just in case you're stuck in dumpy mermaid gulch and need to signal for assistance/wine or to find your swimsuit/child/husband.

sarahC40 · 19/10/2019 23:51

Worst cp memory ever: rounding a corner on the rapids and hearing ‘hello miss’ from a year 11. Don’t know who got out of the water faster. It was never mentioned again.

Original poster
BathshebaKnickerStickers · 19/10/2019 23:11

Embrace it..!! You get the chance to absolutely legitimately get in very close and intimate contact with

Guys like your husband
Guys nothing like your husband
Women like you
Women nothing like you
The young nimble teenage children of these people.
The 6 - 10 year old children of these people
Possibly their grandfather
Other random people
All oh humanity.

You might just be brushed by, you might entangle limbs, you might be more intimate than you have been with your husband for years.

There are limbs to get entangled but also fingers and toes and faces which can easily become entwined with very polite and apologetic strangers.

To be fair as long as you apologise all the way down as a chant, it can be quite a thrill with strangers who probably have nice houses

OP posts:
Inthemoment38 · 19/10/2019 21:25

What is this.. bizarre nudey rapids madness??

This thread has come at best/ worst time for me depending on how you view it.. I just finished teaching and changed jobs and delightedly declared to best friend I can now finally join in with a CP trip not in term time! We are booking for Jan!

I was really looking forward to it but now, WTF!

Hubcapdiamondstarhalo · 19/10/2019 15:57

My DC are in their thirties now, but we used to go yearly with them. This thread has had me laughing myself stupid and cringing at my own memories. The worst wasn't on the rapids but the flume. I got stuck on a dryish bit about halfway down and couldn't get speed back up. Situation solved when a solid bloke came barrelling into me hairy legs akimbo, and we spent the rest of the ride down with me locked between his legs until we dropped into the pool all tangled up. I never saw if the rest of him was hairy - I was so mortified I didn't look round and escaped from the water as fast as I could. Blush Happy days.
We went without DC once but it wasn't half as much fun.

Mother87 · 19/10/2019 15:35

Bananas - hairy backsBlushShockBlushShockBlush

Cocolapew · 19/10/2019 14:34

It was at Disney as well, we just left the ride and carried on with our day. Now I'd sue them Grin.

galvantula · 19/10/2019 14:22

Oh my Coco that gave me the heebie jeebies just reading it. 😱

Cocolapew · 19/10/2019 14:19

When I was a thing slip of a thing a hundred years ago me and the then BF went to Florida.

I was going down a water slide and, at high speed, shot over the top of it at a turn, I was totally terrified.
Luckily I landed on the next bit that was underneath where I took off. Unluckily for some poor bloke I landed on him.
Poor man, lying on his back sliding down, minding his own business, when from the skies a screaming, flailing woman heading straight towards him.
My coccyx was bruised for months. Not sure about his.

galvantula · 19/10/2019 11:57

In hindsight the guy watching as we all hoiked over the ridge did have a fairly amused expression...

Now I know why!

Any ones further round probably get a better view - I also noticed as we walked past outside that there are strategically placed mirrors along the rapids so they can see any chaos/stuck mums/ detached children building up further down..

Original poster
BathshebaKnickerStickers · 19/10/2019 11:53

How are the lifeguards not in a constant state of hysteria....

Are they immune to the slapstick that is a lumpen middle aged mum careering uncontrollably into a tangled mass of lean superdry shorted boys and bikini clad angels...

OP posts:
SpiderCharlotte · 19/10/2019 11:18

It's the lack of control. Once you hoik your lardy arse (in my case) up and over the ridge at the start of the rapids, which was a feat in itself, you literally have no control of your fate. It's in the will of the Gods from that point forward.

SmellMySmellbow · 19/10/2019 10:05

I went down Longleat rapids on my own (DS left with DH as too young). I put my big toe up some blokes crevice.