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Original poster

People keep having sex in my hedge...

926 replies

eurgh · 25/06/2018 17:00

I guess it's more of a WWYD as I know I'm NBU but every few nights people (I assume the same two) keep having sex in the hedge which divides my back garden from the road behind. It's pretty brazen because there's no real cover to hide under!
Every few nights I'll be out sitting with my new rescue dog and letting her potter about and I'll hear my hedge making groany sex noises. I'm so tempted to cough loudly or say something but for some reason I just keep quiet and feel weird listening to other people's sex noises!
So I guess more for fun, I ask you, what would you do?

OP posts:
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Original poster
eurgh · 25/06/2018 21:12

This is complete speculation but I figure they both live in the nearby flats but not together coz you can hear the door go after the job is done and then the same door a couple of minutes later - in my mind they must have other partners at home because why else would you shag in a hedge outside?

I wish I was bold enough for some of these suggestions, I'd be the stuff of legend. Unfortunately I would probably bottle it but I do like the idea of playing some Marvin Gaye or similar through hedge

OP posts:
Dakiara · 25/06/2018 21:05

Stink bomb each time they try? Unless they like that... ConfusedHmm

TornFromTheInside · 25/06/2018 21:01

They don't need itching powder, they're already being a little rash!

WigglyBlossom · 25/06/2018 20:56

Itching powder. Lots of it!

mrjoepike · 25/06/2018 20:56

is there poison ivy in your part of the world

Mia184 · 25/06/2018 20:53

OP, you mentioned that you think they live nearby but separately. Do you think that they actually have partners? If so, maybe you can find out his name and the next time they’re in your bush, just yell “Mrs Xy, your husband’s in my bush” Grin

SerenDippitty · 25/06/2018 20:52

Buy a cheap walkie talkie set, hide one handset in the hedge, when the groany noises start join in and say you want a finger up the bum too.

GrandTheftWalrus · 25/06/2018 20:46

Brilliant!!

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 25/06/2018 20:44

Legover Batman 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

TornFromTheInside · 25/06/2018 20:43

Brings a whole new meaning to unzipping his flies!

MipMipMip · 25/06/2018 20:41

Bucket of water your side of the hedge. Leave for a few days so you get some eggs laid. They'll soon stop once they find the mosquitos are getting a bit...personal.

Original poster
eurgh · 25/06/2018 20:41

My Lego Batman voice is actually excellent Grin

OP posts:
TornFromTheInside · 25/06/2018 20:39

More like Legover Batman!

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 25/06/2018 20:38

Rebecca I vote for Lego Batman. He has a great voice. 😆

TornFromTheInside · 25/06/2018 20:37

Maybe the lady's called Elisabeth...

He's hedging his Bet

YouTheCat · 25/06/2018 20:35

Get a remote control fart machine and put it in the hedge.

Clutterbugsmum · 25/06/2018 20:33

Do you know the local gossip, shop keeper could discreetly mention about these people have sex in your hedge and their poor performance and see how quick it goes around the area.

TornFromTheInside · 25/06/2018 20:28

Stick your arm through the hedge and fondle him... when he asks what the heck you're doing, just tell him you're confirming the rumour - there's an under-growth by the hedges.

TornFromTheInside · 25/06/2018 20:27

Hedge shagging is a no-no these days. The hedges need to consent first!

Anon12345ABC · 25/06/2018 20:21

If you don't have a hose, I'd definitely use a water pistol.

Thesearepearls · 25/06/2018 20:21

I'm actually getting quite nostalgic for the days of hedge-shagging

(those were days I never had but now I'm feeling like I missed out)

OP I think you have a big shaggy overgrown beech hedge. It's not very clear from the picture but I think it's a beech

Definitely needs trimming

TheCheeseStandsAlone · 25/06/2018 20:20

OK so here’s what you need to do.

Buy one of those remote control doorbells.

Instead of putting the speaker part in your house, put it in the hedge.

Keep the button with you. Press on it at the appropriate moment......

NeepNeepNeep · 25/06/2018 20:20

OP the line where you suggested just sticking your arms through the hedge made me proper giggle Grin

ZispinAndDisappointingTea · 25/06/2018 20:20

A hedge sounds terribly uncomfortable...

My first encounter with outdoor shaggers: as a teen I was out walking with my DB in bright daylight, taking a little short-cut through a slightly wooded bush. We literally stumbled into a couple having sex in the undergrowth. They were on the path. We stepped over them. They didn't seem to notice. Neither me or DB ever talked about it.

TornFromTheInside · 25/06/2018 20:17

I must be getting old, all I can think of is "how scratchy".

It's the 7 year itch