Oooo I received an anonymous letter this morning...from THE VILLAGERS 😬

Bloody hell Haberpop I wouldn't be messin' with anything in the fasinate of Ginger! She looks like a bird who can seriously look after herself!!

Looking forward to the phone call update FlyBird - I think you should try and record the call and then us supersleuths can dissect every single word for you! #overinvested

FluBird put your bins out tonight! Please ... double dog dare 😁

I'm back from Cuba, so pub at 9, I hope there's enough room for us all.

Janet pop is that the biggest chicken in the world! It look like a giant chicken from The Goodies.

The parish council clerk is a paid role and should be legit. Unlike parish councillors who are anyone.

Let us know if Juliet bravo calls.

Do you think the parish clerk is in on this? I mean did she really speak to the bobby or is she tied up somewhere?

Do you have a cellar OP ?

Ooo- speaking up her sounds interesting Flybird & possibly intimidating .
I like your chicken Haber

You need a killer chicken like my Ginger, she'll see off all fly tippers and letter wielding fruit cakes.

I think that the OP has been drowned by PC Julia in the creek!

I might join some of you in the pub this evening

Pulls up chair and waits for updates......

I agree with a pp that the letter looks like it's been written by somebody's child. I do believe that they've utilised a small person to cover their tracks.

Dastardly.

My money is on the parish council writing this letter. I bet they gossip about it at meetings.

A small town near me has a police officer that is paid for by the parish. Their (tiny) police station closed a couple of years ago and locals were up in arms about this. Livid. After kicking up massive amounts of fuss, employing their own police officer using a grant was the outcome.

What day is bin collection day? I want to be sure and get a spot on the sofa for the update afterwards. -And in no way am I merely place marking!-

Zaphod EVERYONE must wear flares. Always. And especially your other head has to wear flares.

This thread remind me so much of home 🤓

And DP wonders why i don’t want to move back…

Thank you @WatchaMaCallit!

But nobody has to wear flares, right?

@Zaphodsotherhead - here you go:

Slightly jealous of all your villages. Ours has a school, a church (recently reopened), a grim pub and a post office. That’s all for miles.

Once we had a pcso, but she left the job and no one replaced her.

Would love a takeaway or a chiropodist......

I also feel that this thread should have it' own DUM...DUM...DUMMMMM soundtrack.

I do have to love letters where people try to use long words that they have a) no idea of the real meaning of and b) no idea how to spell.

So letter was either written by very erudite older member of village who is trying to divert attention from her by using fake bad spelling, or Benny of Crossroads lives next door.

Pub, anyone?

I am not normally one to laugh at someone’s lack of grammar skillz but there is something wonderful about the combination of epic grammar fails with such a staggering sense of self importance.

Fasinate 😂😂😂

This thread is amazing!

HOWEVER, under threat of messures, I’d like you all to stop impugning the name of Mike the Milkman. He was with me in eurgh’s sex hedge at the time of the events in question, so couldn’t possibly be involved.

My money’s on Alan. Have you tried leaving ‘well worn’ shoes outside as bait?

Ooh, I know which village you're in! I agree with the locals that the church isn't very much to look at. (No idea which farm or anything about any locals, though, sadly... I want to snoop and contribute...)

Looking hot Tatty! YYY to Slaughtered Lamb at 9pm! Look for FlyBird's DDog but do not, repeat do not, go anywhere in the fasinate of her DCat!

SassyAssassin it's a bit hot! But I'm trying to enjoy it, the cigars are great!

I'm coming back shortly, so shall we all meet in The Slaughtered Lamb at 9pm again, I'll try and get the right pub this time.

You need to put up a few of these.

Has anyone actually seen Dick, the local bobby and the milkman together all at the same time? Is it possible they could actually be the same person? Their various 'personas' trying to write that letter is why it's come across so strange?

I think you might find OP that you are living in a village that only consists of about 2 other people. That's why there are people driving around your house at 2am (because there just isn't enough time to play all the roles during 'normal business hours'). They know you have a camera, they're relying on it to 'prove' all the various 'villagers' actually exist. There's 'Dick' driving past in his red van at 2:30am. ...or is it?

I agree, the cat's in on it. No way to get finger prints off the letter now it's covered in vomit. Phone 101 to report the letter. At least there will be an official record. Emailing the council to contact the PCSO (who all might be one person!!) is just too risky.

Also agree that a light with a motion sensor would be good around your doors, tipping site, etc. They are inexpensive, easy to install and could prove to be a good deterant. Don't trust the CCTV guy to do the installation though, if he's local he can't be trusted!

Are we all going round the pub again tonight? I say we bring OP's dog with us to be a 'threatening' presence to the letter writer who likely tried to sneak over Sunday and was greeted by said dog. Hopefully the look of fear will out the writer tonight!