Your grans classics

Women were not supposed to whistle according to my Gran. If I whistled she would say 'A whistling woman and a crowing hen will bring the devil out of his den!'
Looking in the mirror if you weren't actually needing to, was vanity according to her and it invited the devil to appear over your shoulder!

My gran once made my mum and dad go with her to her church coffee morning. My dad took a sip of his coffee and remarked gloomily that it was the worst coffee he'd ever tasted. And when the lady came round to ask if everything was all right, my gran smiled confidingly up at her and said, "D'you know, my son says this is the worst coffee he's ever tasted." I love this story because it sums up their entire relationship.

Two different grans:

Gran 1: Out for a meal with Gran and my siblings when we were all early teens.?Sis asked Gran for a Fanta. When the waitress came she got forgot the name and ended up asking for a ‘gassy orange’ and then got very cross when the poor waitress couldn’t understand what she wanted. Gassy orange for some reason that still really tickles me.

Gran 2: At the dinner table. My Dad was complaining of an itchy leg, an allergic reaction to something. Gran (his mum) points her fork at my Mum (his wife of 25 years) and says ‘That’s you, that is. You’ve given him an infection.’ Silence.

She couldn’t stop a pig in an alley with those legs.

I've remembered a few more...

If I complained about the quality of something... "well, you don't get hummingbirds for sixpence"

Another of her favourites, can't think of an exact example, was "the boy who nearly found sixpence" said very scathingly.

'Legs so bandy she couldn't stop a pig up a ginnel '
'Don't pick yer nose or it will be as big as a monkeys foot' (never understood that one)
'Worse things happen at Sea'
Yep Granny had a phrase for all occasions.

Oh I forgot this most recent one, my aunt and uncle are coming back to live in the U.K. after 30 or so years in Canada:
Me: 'That'll be nice for you to see them more often, Nan'
Nan: 'They're only coming cos they think I'll be dead soon, they're measuring me up for my grave'

My gran has Alzheimers, its managed reasonably and not in late stages but my god she's getting sharper.

I split care with my mam, yesterday I went up at dinner time with her dinner.

Granny "it's Thursday I've no one visiting me today have I?"

Me "I'm here now, my mam will bring your tea up and I'll come and see you into bed tonight"

Granny "no one special then?"

"Special" visitors include my feckless useless uncle (her son) once in a blue moon, hairdresser once a fortnight and cleaner once a week, oh and the window cleaner.

Luckily I'm thick skinned!

When I was a teenager my 80 odd year old grandma ‘always carry condoms if you want some slap and tickle’ I used to cringe and want the ground to swallow me up she was also the least racist lady you could meet but asked a black lady in M&S is the trousers come in ‘ni**er brown’

Literally on her death bed my gran could hear us but was too far out of it to open her eyes..my brother lives in another city and couldn't get there in time so I said 'gran db is fine and he loves you' she grunted so I repeated myself to which she said 'I know you've already told me' still tickles me that I got a bit of a smart response before she passed,she was brilliant.

When meeting dh for the first time ‘oooo you got a bit of dark in you don’t you’. He’s Spanish heritage but you wouldn’t think it!
And to my ex ‘what you doing with her? You’re raf. You could have a lovely skinny lne’

Same Nan used to tell me the second I walked in her house that I had piled weight on...... then proceed to get all the cakes and biscuits out while my Grandad fried something for me

When discussing my wedding plans my Nan started telling me that my late DMs wedding veil was still in their attic.

Without drawing breath my Nan added "then again, it's white and you won't be wearing white will you?"

Poor DH (to be) almost choked on his cuppa and my Grandad looked ready to choke my Nan

My favorite memory of my nan is when she went into a car showroom with my mother to buy a new car. The sales assistant come over and asked her if she was looking for a three door or a five door. To which she replied “no, I only want one door- it’s only for me!”
My mum was pissing herself

Bless her, she was getting confused in her old age

When I told her I was getting divorced because H was having an affair, she said 'well men have their needs dear' !

Watching Dirty Dancing, Oh, they'll do their backs in.

I nearly wet myself with that one.

"I didn't know a penis could be soft until after I was married and I thought there was something wrong".
And a damaging one:
"If you don't keep a worry at all times, fate will make things will go wrong"

Daughter invited a friend to stay over Christmas, He'll sleep on the floor in my room, it's OK because he's gay!

After Christmas MIL commented Gay? Gay? I thought he was a miserable sod!
Watching Dirty Dancing, Oh, they'll do their backs in.

When my DM told her my sister was pregnant, with long term partners baby “what, how can she be? I don’t remember her getting married”

When I first introduced her to my OH she said to me “oh cheese, you don’t get any thinner do you, fatty!”

When she first met an ex BF, years back, “I would never have put you with a darkie, I guess that’s what happens when you move to london. It’s all modern there. ” He was sat right next to me. He found it hilarious but I wanted the ground to swallow me up!

Ah this thread is lovely and has made me miss my dear Nana! The saying that has always stuck with me is "treat em mean keep em keen"
She was right about that too because all the boys I didn't like were massively keen on me and vice versa so the theory works !

When I asked her if my cousin who was getting married was taking his name
'Of course she is! What a silly thing to ask!'

The first time she ever met DH, when we'd been going out about 6 weeks and I had tonsillitis (ended up in hospital) she sat him down to tell him he better be careful because my contraception wouldn't be working whilst on antibiotics

'I know everything about Bob Marley except how many women he's slept with, but I don't think even he knew that'

There's no one quite like her.

"A whistling girl and a crowing hen will frighten the devil out of his den".

(whistling was not very ladylike, in other words!)

I've heard the knife one before, but not from my grandma. "You could ride bareback to Coventry on that". Presumably a Lady Godiva reference.

My Nan's most classic sayings are too racist to post here, but one time we were in M&S and I was buying pants, 'Oh don't buy them, Jam, they're crack creepers'

SingingSands

My friend visited her granddad and said commented that he had lost weight. He replied, "we can't all be as fat as you, love!"

When I took newborn DD to see my great gran in hospital she looked me up and down and said "oh thank god you haven't got that great big fat belly anymore"

Yes, that was my baby inside of me.