Your grans classics

My grandma said to me 'so are you going to do it the right way or not then?' when I told her I was pregnant - she was referring to whether or not I would marry before or after the baby was born! Reading it sounds like she was being mean but it was actually said with such kindness!

My Gm was telling me about my Df new Gf and she said shes a flat back that one.

Totally outing but the day she asked us what a prevert was as teens was pretty hilarious

Some others ‘you can’t fatten a thoroughbred’, she was always slim. When my cousin was very overdue with her baby and was sitting eating a cornetto and then a sandwich ‘mibbe if you stop eating that baby will come out for a feed’. To the young asian girl in the corner shop ‘you’re awfy nice for a p*ki’ I was mortified ‘gran you can’t say that!’ Gran asked why as people call us Scots. The girl was fine and knew it wasn’t meant to be rude but I gave her a strict lecture about it.

We mentioned seeing someone she knew ‘oh aye him, wouldn’t give ye the reek aff his
Pish!’

Always ironed her pants and was affronted that I didn’t ‘what if you fell over and your skirt went up and everyone saw you hadn’t ironed your pants!’ Can’t say it’s ever happened and if someone trips you don’t try to check if they ironed their pants. When my mother had an operation and then my uncle she said sadly ‘I didn’t make you two Very well!’

To my vegetarian sister: "how do you expect to ever hold down a decent man if you can't cook him a proper fry up?!"

Jpclarke I'm crying here! Your poor grandfather! But so funny

My poor old grandfather fell in the garden one day. My gran went out with a pillow and told him to put it under his head and if any of the neighbours ask tell them you are sunbathing (in October) while waiting on df to come and pick him up.

Another time my uncle phone her to say he had Chinese work colleagues travelling around and he told them to stop by their way. She told my grandfather with mobility issues if he seen any Chinese walking up the drive to hide behind the chair as she didn't want that chicken disease( it was around the time of the sars scare)

She came out with plenty of them and this thread is reminding me of her so much and making me laugh.

My DD's exGmil said to her son: I brought you into the world and I can take you right back out of it.

My DM to DD about her then boyfriend: He must have a good personality because you're not with him for his looks.

My DGF described someone as having a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp (pronounced wazzp)

Cure for everything: wash your face, change your undies and run around the garden. Almost always worked!

Not my gran, but her sister, so similar

"Let the children sit on the sofa. You should be the one to sit on the floor because you have the most padded posterior"

My beloved Grandmother had some great sayings. My favourite - ‘the more you do , the more he’ll let you ‘ . I learnt that the hard way !

Friends granny talking about having 11 children "there were no central heating in them days. It were sex or shiver!"

My gran when I told her I was in a relationship a few years after getting divorced " oh love he's not going to leave you the last one did is he? "

She also said leggings made me look like a prostitute as I was 'wearing just your tights in public and all the men will see'

Nan: would you like a turkey sandwich
Me: no thanks nan, I'm vegetarian
Nan: it's only turkey!!

Anerak was your Granny welsh?! That was totally my Nan's motto for life! It was practically the law to worry , as this kept things going wrong. Apparently this was how welsh people lived so long, according to her

“Can’t you buy 3ply? My fingers have just gone right through that thin stuff”
😳

I'm convinced Katherine Tate's Nan is based on my own Cockney Grandmother.

A conversation between my Nan and my fifteen year old self while she perused page 3 of The Sun;
"Ere, you could do this." (Turns topless pick of Sam Fox in my direction)
"I really wouldn't want to Nan!"
"You know what your trouble is?" Nan shakes head sadly. "You've got no ambition."

My Nan announced one Christmas that she didn't know why we were celebrating Jesus's birthday because "He was a jew, and we're Christians!"

My nan when I was looking for a new job in a new field told me " don't forget, you're sitting on a goldmine" hahahaha!

And on taking a new boyfriend round to meet them when I was 16 ish
He was slightly older 18 maybe with a car. She handed me a polo on the way out and said " keep that inbetween your knees on the way home please missy" laughing her socks off as she said it.

My wee granny when talking about how she met my now passed grandad.
"We actually had an arranged marriage."
Me totally shocked said "oh my god really!?"
Her "Aye I arranged it."

Still makes me laugh when I think about it.

Not my granny but a little belfast granny who was dear to my heart.
She had a dislike of a person one day and the girl said to her “ y’know you can get someone wrong Edie” Edie folded her arms over her chest gave her and up and down death stare and said “ you can’t fucking half” I loved Edie.

Dh's great aunt told me that I should get the coach home because "nice girls don't use trains dear".

My granny is convinced I'm 5ft 5in. I'm 5ft 1in but she's shrinking and in denial.

My nanna used to tell me 'everybody has a gift, even if it's just the gift of the gab', used to love that one. She taught me a poem when I was little ' Shit, shite, and cacky, all went out to tea, Shit let flight with a ball of shite, right in cacky's tea.' My dad was non too impressed with that one. She answered the door once whilst I was there to the police doing door to door enquiries. She opened the door and said ' Our name might be *(Irish surname), but we're nothing to do with the IRA,' and slammed the door. I have no idea what that was about. We have never lived in Ireland.

My MIL (so the DCs granny) swears blind she saw the Pyramids when she visited Lourdes in the south of France. She wasn't overly impressed and doesn't understand why people make special trips to see them. I think she meant the Pyrenees?

My grandad had emphysema and so had a lot of nebulisers - once he sat surrounded by smoke puffing away on the nebs and turned to me and my brother and said "I could close my eyes and be back in an opium den" And then he laughed so much at the on our faces he couldn't actually breathe

The woman I considered my nan and loved to bits ( actually my great aunt complicated family) used to offer me back gifts I'd bought her forgetting I'd bought them ... " some idiot bought me this but you have it...." she passed away four years ago and I still miss her. Such a character and even my memories of her make me laugh.

My gran ( from belfast) used to tell me if I looked scruffy that I looked like a Catholic. Dreadful.