Your grans classics

My gran... speaking about her lovely neighbour...'oh Teresa is fine, I mean she's.. . (At this starts drawing letters in the air) me: what gran?
Gran: you know (draws letters again and mouths RC)
Me: she's what now?
Gran: oh for goodness sake she's RC.

I gave up and asked my dad... turns out the neighbour is Roman Catholic.
West coast of Scotland and my gran acted like they ate babies or something😂

My dear old IrishCatholic (now sadly dead) nan:

Upon hearing that a male celeb had undergone a vasectomy: 'Never could stand the man and now he's a EUNUCH!'

When the GP asked her about family history (early stages of dementia), my Auntie informed him that her dad was a British soldier in Ireland: 'No he wasn't! He was a HUSSAR!'

Esther Rantzen wasn't exactly flavour of the month, either: 'that woman has witch's teeth!'

The stuff mine comes out with is too racist to say

I'm 34 and not eaten lamb for 30 years.
Recently we went to hers for lunch.
Me:what's for lunch nan?
Nan:roast lamb
Me: you know I don't eat lamb
Nan: oh, I thought you might have grown out of that now.

My great great aunt when I was 15 and she must have been in her 80's
GGA: (in a great cackaly cockney accent) now tell me dear, do you have a boyfriend?
Me: no
GGA : That's right bean! Play the field, test a few out and see what you like!.

So so many from my dear old Granny, wish I’d written them down.
Of the least offensive - ‘she’s got lovely plump girls skin’
When me, my other grandmother and aunt were sat on the sofa ‘oh look, three fat ladies sat in a row’

On Christmas morning, my wonderful, glamorous other Grandmother wearing a full face of make up and velour tracksuit, Dear old Granny piped up ‘now dear, don’t you think you ought to go and get changed now? The cameras will be out in a minute’.

I miss her SO much

Loudly telling everyone in a cafe how she’d just come back from Ireland and the prices were different to here. To get her point across, she listed every item and its price in the Irish currency at the time; the Cunt

"She's t'much off" meaning someone to is too full of themselves

As we stood around her deathbed "well don't all look so bloody sad then!" We were surprised and laughed as she hadn't the strength to say hardly anything at that point and sounded just like her old self in that moment.

She passed on a few hours later.

Back in the 60s, when slacks for women were coming into fashion, my nan apparently said ‘well, that’s just asking for trouble.’

My Nanny was amazing

Often said -

don’t tie yourself to a man and marriage when you are young there is so much more to life

From the day you find out your are pregnant that’s it you never stop worrying

Many things that people would do was “as common as muck”

Men are only after one thing and if they are not it’s becuase they are probably (lowered voice) puffs

I told her once I had asked for a pay rise. She was absolutely horrified and replied “why when you have such a nice little job what will they think of you”. I got a better deal than I asked for but my nanny still wasn’t impressed

What others thought of you was something my nanny was rather obsessed by

I miss her everyday and one of my biggest regrets is her (and my granddad) not seeing me settled and happy. she was right she never did stop worrying I get that now they would have absolutely adored ds

My mil so not my gran but my kids gran, rang the hairdressers one day looking to get a blow job!! had to try really hard not to laugh.

Just spent an hr doing my hair and curling it for a wedding and was ready so sat in the living room next to my nan..she looks and me and says "you not gonna do your hair??", i said i have... nan" gosh it looks like steel wool" ... the shaaaame. My nani was not shy with her words lol

Not gran but an elderly relative asked at the dinner table what oral sex was.
There was a horrified silence as everyone paused with their forks halfway to their mouths, except for her quick thinking son in law who told her it was talking during sex.
“Oh,” she said in disappointment. “I thought it was something more exciting than that.”

She also used to regularly declare that she wouldn't kick Alfie boe out of bed!

My great aunt "I wouldn't get married again if he had a diamond studded arsehole"

What I loved about her most was that every boyfriend of mine was always worshipped and loved by her until we broke up when she would always declare " I never liked him anyway"

Another! My nan upon meeting my brothers first serious girlfriend for the first time said " you're a busty girl you might fit these, no one else does" and gave her a bag of her old bras! My brother still recalls this as the most embarrassing incident of his whole life!

No meeting my first boyfriend aged 15 "you be sure and keep your cock in its own hen house"

My nan knitted me a bikini for our first holiday abroad in the 70s & was most put out when I wouldn't wear it in the pool.

Also just remembered a few years ago she bought my then 13ish year old dd an erotic novel by accident for Christmas! Dd was a big reader and had made a book list and she had got one of the titles wrong! I love this thread, it's bringing back some very happy memories of one of my favourite ever people. Thank you op

Oh string and glitter my nan had a full bookcase of mills and boon in the spare room. If I was ever off school sick as a child I would be taken to hers as parents both worked ft and tucked up in spare bed and would spend the day being served soup and reading her collection! From a very young age!!

Mine on bedmaking in the morning. 'Always pull the covers right back to let the little night gases escape.'

My late gran told my DM that the flat opposite her watched ‘them blue films’ as she could see them through the window. As said window was over the other side of a quite wide road DM asked her how she could see that far. Transpired that the neighbours had a sun bed and she could see the blue light it emitted. She thought the rude films were literally blue. 😂

If a person she encountered were from a different country she would tell me where they were from and then say 'but he/she was lovely'. I used to try to explain why she didn't need the 'but'. Also when she unwrapped a present she unfailingly said 'you must have shares in sellotape' . She made lovely cakes though, shame grans aren't around forever :-(

I used to buy my nan romance books as she enjoyed reading them. (I didn’t read them first just went by title and cover). She would pass them on to my mum after who told me that one I’d give had loads of raunchy sex in it. My mum said she was really embarrassed by me!

Next time I saw my nan:
Me: Sorry nan, apparently that last book I bought you was a bit blue. I’ll be more careful next time.
Her: Oh no, I really enjoyed that one! Are there any more in that series?

(She was 90 at the time!)