Your grans classics

‘For a girl of your size you’ve got a lovely slim ankle’...cheers nanna.

‘Ohh I know you’re a vegetarian but you can have a little bit of ham!’

Looking out the window..
"Look at Beryl in that old fashioned cardigan, anyone would think she was old, you won't catch me in old people's clothes"

Beryl was 80 and my granny was 86 at the time. She always looked amazing.

My gran at the age of 75 - in the kitchen by herself one day

"Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Cunt"

In unison from the other room

"Grandmother!!!"

From the kitchen

"I have ALWAYS wanted to do that. I feel so much better now and I will probably never do it again!"

We still laugh about that

Not my GM but my DF. The next door neighbours used to make him soups and meals since he was a poor old soul living on his own. He accepted these 'gratefully'. But would say about the neighbour, 'Betty's a poor cook'. Old bugger.

My 80+ grandma looking out at the bus queue (all younger than her) over the road: "I feel so sorry for all those old people in this weather".

The one I always remember because Mum, her daughter, used it too: "you've got to eat a peck of dirt before you die".

My Irish granny had so many it’s hard to pick a favourite. Absolute classic has to be saying to my gay younger sister (who never had a boyfriend because, you know, she was gay) “you’ll never find a man at the bottom of a beer bottle” 😂😂 ahh I miss her

"Honestly, the way people sneeze into their hand, then hold it out and expect you to shake it - it makes you want to keep your gloves on!" She was a devout Catholic, but she didn't like taking part in the sign of peace at church.

"I do not see what is so inspiring about... the human face!!!!" This would come out whenever the Radio Times had a cover with a wide-eyed or open-mouthed celebrity.

I also remember her saying to somebody else "You know when men walk into a shop, they see a gun hanging up, and they just can't resist it..."

Can't remember any fun things she ever came out with. Sadly she was too busy imagining people were slighting her. With drink it got worse. Cannot tell you the number of Christmas family photo's where she has a 'face' on her because of an imagined slight. Which was strange because she loved company and did get very lonely but it was my dad that did not want her living with us, not mum. Though she got the blame for dad not visiting that much.

I remember when I was about 4 or 5 my grandma told me to only call her by her first name in public as she didn't want anyone knowing she was old. She was in her early 40's at the time. As I am now, and find myself using more and more of her sayings. Like 'going to hell in a handcart'. I remember her watching Jackass a few years back and when Johnny Knoxville received a missile to the groin she said 'oooh I'd kiss it better!' Also, after watching the love scene in The Holiday where Cameron Diaz exclaimed 'that was amazing' to Jude Law she pursed her 80+ year old lips and said 'if it was that good you wouldn't still have your bra on love'. Classic Nan.

Not my granny but my dad's last remaining aunt, so DD's great-great-aunt, to DD:

Are you seeing anyone? Any boys you like? No? You are obviously a very sensible girl!

Not my gran, but my friend's

Friend lived with her DH, but at that time he was DP, and Granny didn't approve of this, but didn't say so in so many words, instead

"Ah winna come o'er the watter"

That was said because Granny wouldn't cross the bridge over the river to visit.

Also when friend and DP were staying with Granny after some family event, Granny put them at opposite ends of the house, saying,

"There'll be nae sin in MY hoose"

Used to crack me up

My DS when he was small told her he wanted to do a wee, she replied "I have nae where for ye to go, ye'll have to suck it up and spit it oot!"

My dear dear Gran, when she got back from a church service “well the vicars awfy nice but does she know that God wouldn’t love her any less if she combed her hair and pit a bit a lipstick oan”.

My gran didn’t put the bins out with out her lipstick on 😂

Not my gran but my elderly dm speaks scathingly about women who have “had more men than days of the week.”
Not impressed with me pointing out that seven would be considered a fairly low or average number of partners by most people these days!

@ScribblyGum
I grew up in Luton and didn't have my bag stolen -ever

Granny would get up at 5 to ‘do the house through’ and when it was all done would tell everyone the house had had a ‘good bottoming’

My Granny when the house work was done, always said that's more Protestant looking now!

nan - "You'm looking fat"
My sister - "I had a baby last week"

Gran to friend: How's your mum?
Friend: oh, my mum has passed away...
Gran: Are you sure?

Gran (in a loud stage whisper at a local restaurant) 'That's the one who was arrested for kerb crawling...' as our local councillor came in with his wife.

My gran informed my father (her DS) that she'd spent the day painting the dildo rail in the hall. She meant dado rail.

My father spat his coffee across the kitchen.

Don't sit on the floor it'll give you piles.

Cup of tea with Bubbles on top - 'money in that cup girl'

What the fuck she's on about I don't know. But god I love them both!

When I was at Middle School (36years ago) my darling late Grandma came out with 'If they taught you properly at school, they wouldn't need to give you homework!'....

Now I'm a mum of a 13 year old, I half see her point!

Couple of DGM classics.
Neighbour who had flirted with her husband " fur coat and no knickers that one" "Lady muck just because she got the first inside bog in the street" and woe betide anyone who put new shoes on the table or opened as umbrella indoors equivalent to breaking a whole room full of mirrors.