Your grans classics

My elderly aunt, who would have loved to be a granny....referring to my butch sister..."is she one of those transMENderers?

She also told me the other day that she didnt give a fuck about something or other....she's terribly posh usually, I nearly fell off my chair. SHe is 86.

Nominated this thread for classics, it’s made me all nostalgic for my granny!

I lived with her for a bit "Ee yer never gan oot like that ar Proustian" I was wearing a jumpsuit, hardly immodest but it gave her the vapours nonetheless.
When I told her she needed a frou frou pill she'd hiss at me like an old snake and laugh like a drain.

She did all my washing, bless her lovely face, including my underwear. I'm washing my hair and hear "Haddaway man!" And her saying a Hail Mary over my thongs

She once referred to Petits pois at "petits tushy or whatever you call those things". I nearly died.

Good God I miss her so much.

Lancashire grandma

Not bad looking for a paki
Don't go out with a butcher, they're randy from handling all that meat
What's for tea? Jump up kitchen door and bite off t'latch

My grandma was a terrible flirt, when she was 70 she'd flirt with waiters in their 20's

My grans answer to any ailment, pain or illness - "just have a wee shite".

Walking around Tesco and she stops a young boy stacking shelf - "here son, do ye's have any of that CLITbang? Looks great for in the shower". The poor boy was about 16 and nearly died of embarrassment. We dragged her away and told her it's Cilitbang. Then had to explain what a clit was because she couldn't understand why we were pissing ourselves laughing.

She thought "wanker" was a term of endearment. Also had to explain that one when she called ds it while giving him a hug.

Came to visit in hospital when I had dd (my 4th). "Can you just keep your knees together now, hen? I'm getting too old for this, they're making me grey".

She's an absolute gem.

Look at her nipples, you could hang your coat and hat on them (anyone either braless or with a thin bra on)
Put the wood in the hole (close the door)
Hat like a traffic warden ( always critical of other ladies hats)
More muck on her than a whore on a dung heap (rather too much make up)
Gonna wear my harlot lipstick today, I feel like taking a chance

My Granny when she had dementia had just walked downstairs and said there was a 'little black furry monkey' on the stairs and that it tried to trip her up! (Our black cat used to lie across the stairs and pat people's legs!).

Another time she referred to our kittens as 'Little flower girls'.

calling being on your period 'being unwell' with an accompanying look

telling me I looked like 'street walker' because I had tinted my hair red.

'I can understand the gays if they are men because men cant help themselves can they? But there would have to be something gone very wrong with a woman to do that.'

when as a child I asked why my cousin was black when his parents were white (he was adopted) 'well it sometimes skips a generation'

Oh and another one, on discussing childbirth when I was pg with ds1...
‘Well, it smarts a bit... but after 7 days in the nursing home I had had my hair done and looked as fresh as a daisy .... I think your GF had grand ideas for me when I got home.., I soon put him in his place ‘ 😂😂😂

On talking about her ex boyfriends prior to dear grandfather- ‘Ooooh, he was GORGEOUS Darling, GORGEOUS!’
She was probably a bit of a ‘goer’ in her day!
Think of an 80 year old Edina and that’s pretty accurate!
I adored her, and like to think there’s more than a little bit of me in her

My mums friends were chatting to my Nan, mum said Nan liked to bet on horse races. One of the women said, a bit patronisingly, to my Nan "How do you choose the horses, do you go by the names you like?" to which my Nan replied "No, I study the form."

Nan used to make lots of money from Ladbrokes, sometimes she'd forget to pick up her pension because she was living off her winnings!

My Nan walked up to the hearing loop desk at the theatre and asked for one because, in her words, 'I've got aids, you see'

Still makes me laugh the this day.

Turned up nose- she 'as a pig's snout. If she went out in the rain, she'd drown.
Straining the greens- going for a wee

My gran used to watch the Tena Lady advert (which is filled with smiling ladies who supposedly wear pads for bladder leakage) and say "I don't know what they're so happy about - they're pissing themselves".

a short legged woman was described thus;
she has duck's disease
if she jumped orf the kerb she'd 'it her arse on it

Spitting blue winkles- very very angry
and
'you would laugh to see a pudden crawl'

Ooh, notsure has reminded me of my friend's grandfather at their 50th wedding anniversary party.

He climbed on stage with the band, and said that he was a man of few words, but wanted to sing a song for his beautiful wife of 50 years. Awww. And he broke into:

"Pleeeease release me... let me goooo..."

He thought it was hilarious. His wife did not!

My nan about my ex husband who was a womaniser:

He'd shag a hole in the barbers floor if it had hair around it

Love these - I might even put "When the balls are full, the head is empty" on a cross stitch
I've only really had my dad's mum as a nana, no others as they died before I could meet them. One Sunday dinner we were all sat round the table, and out of the blue she turned to me and asked if I wanted to be cremated

My Nan asked me if I shaved my legs and when I said I did she replied 'Never had all that in my day!'

My grandma told me to drink champagne when you are down, it cheers you up. The day she dies I toasted her with champagne.

"He's as foul as 40 arseholes!"

About anyone who loved themselves or was a cheat.

Ladies who were 'decent' were always described as 'clean'

My nan explaining who I'd got my looks from when I was about 7: Well, you've got our Fred's nose and Ada's flat arse (Ada was my other nan).

My octogenarian grandmother in hospital after a stroke, arguing with the young consultant as to when she should be allowed home.

“If I put both my legs behind my head, would I be allowed home then?”

The poor man didn’t know where to look as she did exactly that, demonstrating the results of daily yoga for most of her life.

She did get to go home soon after that

She's not so green as she's cabbage looking.

Our is looking well, mind you last time I saw her/him they looked like a dogs breakfast.

A stitch in time saves nine.

Least said soonest mended.

Sugar gives ye worms. (Usually followed with a wink and a chocolate bar)